Sunday, December 8, 2013

Again on the subject of love...

Been thinking about this a lot lately. The heart is such a funny thing. It's interesting how many people think love is so strange. I have for years now decided that love was the most important thing. Not just because I'm a Christian and I know it's what Jesus did and what I know he'd want from me, but also because it's so much more easy to love than to not. Recently someone did enter my life that I have found loving not so easy. It's hard to feel free and open when someone wants to take something important or someone important from you. I have been pushing and hoping that someday I could convince the person I fear I'll lose to see what is going on, but instead, I'm creating some grief for myself and for this person that is not necessary.  I know that the person this is directed at will know what I'm babbling about. Anyway love is not an emotion that has to be earned when it comes to me. We're interconnected and love is sometimes the only thing you can give, so from this day forward I am gonna try harder.

Sometimes the best way to fix things is to let them be.

Now a little on loss.
Isn't it so funny to sad to think of what the people that have moved on are missing out on. Yesterday while uploading a stupid YouTube video, I thought about my grandpa would be cursing that, since he loved the whole "spacebook" thing so much. I miss his comments about technology so much. I just miss him. Life is so short, I hope all of you are making choices that embrace that.

I know... I know.. Haven't blogged in months and then this one is all weird.. I'll try to do better.

Xoxo.. Millions.. To infinity and beyond

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Change in a year

It's amazing how fast days and months and years go by the older you get, but something I thought of the other day was "It's almost Christmas again, but was this time last year, when I lost the job I thought I'd be a retiree at."  I know...Who would have thought that such an irritating turn of events would put me where I am today?  I have to say, there is NO other company I would want to work for.  I just found out today that if we actually use our 6 volunteer days, we get 1000 dollars to put towards our charity of choice.  There is not really another company I can think of that does all this wonderful things for it's employees and the community, and how do they find the perfect people to be around?  I dunno, but it's totally fantastic.

A year ago, when I was planning zach's birthday bash, we were in Lebanon and I was broke because of the business and no job, yet we made a great day for the boy.  This year, it's such a strange place to be.  We're in Greenwood, which is feeling like home more and more.

Life is just one weird change after another, and I remember feeling like my life was falling all apart.  Actually I've had that feeling twice in one year.  (almost a desperation)  I'm glad I gave up my control of the situation and let God lead me. I am in love with my life and with my man and with my kids and well just about everything.  I wish you all a happy light at the end of the tunnel.

To all my Wabasheans - I still miss you all.  I will probably always miss you, but na na a boo boo I have it way better than you. ;)

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Warning!! If you want negative, do NOT read. . .

Yeah I know, I know.  It's been a long time since the last one.  Quite frankly, I don't have enough to complain about anymore to keep up a daily blog, and honestly I know that hearing happiness rolling off of me is not that exciting for everyone.  It's kinda like the news, if it isn't like a train wreck, it's too easy to look away.  What do I mean by that?  Well if you aren't hearing bitching and complaining and someone is just well seeing rainbows and butterflies, no one wants to hear it all the time.  It's hard to complain when I am almost giddy happy in my career, and my personal life, and my church family and my friends and well when I am filled with a pure joy so often.  I'll try to come up with some quirky complaints at times.

So I'm going to just try to come up with weird off the wall stuff for a while.

I started playing with a new tool today called jing.  It is really cool, I think everyone should check it out.  It's a fast easy way to send someone a screencast to show them what you're doing or seeing on your pc...and it's FREE.

I am definitely not an economist.  I struggled through my homework last night which I got a B on somehow.  Somehow...seriously I didn't realize how much math went with the economy.  Dumb, but true.  I have to calculate 20% for a tip on my fingers, so this is going to be challenging.

So watched the last ever Dexter earlier, and meh...not impressed.  Didn't really care for that ending.  I am getting excited about the new show that I have recording right now Marvel's agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. that Zach talked me into earlier.  Oh my goodness I love superheros.

I am still looking for a vampire, so....if you know anyone that can help me with the immortal thing, please let me know.

Oh and I won a giftcard at work today for posting twitter and instagram ET posts.  How CRAZY is that?  I do this stuff cuz I love it and I get rewarded.  Now if only I can get the +ExactTarget to follow me it might make my life. I am seriously in love with being Orange.  Thinking about dying one strand of hair orange.  *smile*

Have I told you that I love you lately, probably not if you don't talk to me on a reg basis.  I do though.  I love you all.

Have a GREAT week or so until I blog again.

xoxo..millions and infinity.

Monday, September 9, 2013

My flying experience. . . Superwoman

Okay - so. . .Who knew..
Jumping out of a plane does not make your tummy do flip flops (other than nerves).  You do not get the feeling of a drop like riding a roller coaster, although, if you are too afraid to do a roller coaster, there is no way you will jump out of a plane at 12000 feet.  Let me just say, we were about half way up (about 5000 feet) when I asked if we were almost there, and I was almost laughed at.  Well that is when I started thinking, I do not really remember anything this handsome guy has tried to teach me.  Then when Jenn decided she wanted to go before me, I was fine, until I saw her leave the plane. . . Probably that's when I felt most nervous, for a second or two until I followed her.  And then it was like, crazy not scary..more like "I am flying" and "oh my gosh, the ground doesn't even look or feel like it's getting closer" Until the moment when the parachute went open and then everything was super super calm.  Honestly the calmest most serene feeling EVER.  Like it would be good for a person who meditates to feel that.

Anyway - after the super soft landing, Jenn and I hugged and decided we wanted to go again.  I have already purchased our second jump that I think we'll schedule for April or May.  This is an amazing experience that I think everyone should try.  I know everyone won't, but it was fantastically cool.

Okay - and so. . . I love my job btw...LOVE it.  My heart is filled with joy when I even think of it.  Next week is Connections in Indy which is a week of Marketers coming together from tons of companies all under the ExactTarget umbrella.  Pretty neat.  Imagine Dragons next Wednesday.

Now I am going to determine my next wild and crazy thing...Any suggestions?

Thursday, August 29, 2013

You'll want to read the whole thing. . .

There are some things about living in an apartment on the third floor that SUCK.  Like yesterday I left my keys in my car (yeah, I have a push button starter key that was in my pocket, but when I left to go meet my beautiful new niece, I locked up and took my keys to the car).  This meant that this morning, I was the last one out and I decided not to even lock the door cuz I was too lazy to walk down to my car and then back up.  Another thing that has happened to me a few times is that I forget the key fab in the apartment and get to my car and realize and then have to come all the way back up.  Not to mention that shopping and carrying stuff up the stairs really is so much FUN..I know this is all small really, but they're just things I decided to complain about.  I do have things in my life that aren't all peachy all the time, just not that much.

So. . . I also had a moment of intense sadness today.  It didn't last a really long time, and the reason is quite personal, but I did actually feel the feeling and let tears flow for a few minutes and then, I got better.  I decided that I couldn't keep feeling that way.  It was a new thing for me.  I am really working on feeling bad emotions and letting them go.  I don't mean forgetting or not recognizing them, it's just that so many things can't be changed by you feeling bad about it, so I don't want to dwell anymore on the bad or the sad.  I challenge you to do the same, it is sure liberating to know that you don't have to carry that load.

Now on to a happy thought..
Transport - yes, they can transport atoms across the room now, how long do you think it will take to transport a person around the world?  Do you realize that less than 100 years ago was when we first went into space..?  Can you even fathom how far in technology we've come in the past 50 years, heck how about the last 10?  I'm so excited to see what happens in the next 10.

Did you know that Cottonelle has a wet wipe for adults that is flush-able?  I didn't either until I did some research on a common household item for my Marketing class.  Yeah seriously, they need to be more out there with that one.  I think I might try it.  This is gonna sound ridiculous, but it was only a few weeks ago that I was thinking about how really gross it is that we wipe our butts with dry paper.  How clean can that really make you?  :)

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

We're having a baby. . .

No - DUH...not me...that would so not be cool. . .
So tomorrow is a very exciting day.  My new baby niece will be here in the morning, and I will go meet her for the first time in the evening.  Pretty happy about all that.

So. . . Have you ever seen someone or known someone that has a mean resting face?  My bro mentioned that to me the other day when we saw a poster of a couple of mean looking but beautiful women.  He said, "Those are some mean resting faces."  I have been noticing mean faces ever since.  There was this man walking down the road downtown yesterday that had a frown face so big, I don't think that if he did smile the cracks of his mouth would even break an even plain.  I wish people as a whole seemed happier.

It is way cool to work at ET.  I seriously think there are so many people that think their jobs are good, but they have NO idea how good it could be.  Like I know that I liked working at Wabash, but  . . . Wabash National has NOTHING on ExactTarget.  This is the most fantastic place ever.  I've been there almost a month and I can't believe it's been that long.  I'm not saying the job is easy, because it's definitely a lot to learn fast, but it is so nice to work at a place that knows that they're force feeding you information and that you are not going to fly on day one.  Although, I have taken a few cases this week and closed them...yay...
Got a new pair of Orange Converse and wore them today.  Orange - what a great color.

Last nights -- Newsroom  - - - Whoa right...I'm glad we finally found out what the lawyers were actually doing, and that it ended the way it did.  LOVE that show.

So I started using Spotify this week.  It's interesting that I've had an account for a long time, but just realized how cool it really is.  Awesome how it learns what I want to listen to on my radio channels.  Music is GREAT.  Hey, did you know that at Ryobi, I was told that  we were not ALLOWED to listen to music.  How crazy is that...?  Anyway, I think music is a staple that I will never live without at work again.

Monday, August 19, 2013


It's kinda hard to blog often when all you can do is talk about how great things are going. I don't want anything to jinx things, and that sounds superstitious.  I could talk about how things seem overwhelming sometimes. Learning lots and started school back up and Black Box fall sessions starting.. Lots of stuff.. BUT.....
ExactTarget is a fabutastic place to work. It's nice to know all these people I'm meeting. They are likeable and soft, but not soft like you're thinking. I worked at a foundry last and the people were hard there. The kinds that hold grudges and are just tough.. That's not bad either, but not laid back and comfortable. This is a new kind of love... It's great. 
New John Mayer cd out tomorrow.. Not a Huge fan anymore, but i got it anyway.  Maybe I'll review later.

We'll anyway
Love you
Xoxo.. Millions and infinity

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Happy happy happy

I'm making some yummy spicy chili for dinner. I was so happy when I went out at lunch today and the weather was so perfect and the people downtown are so fun to watch, even without gencon. I admit I am excited about lunch tomorrow though. Maybe I'll get some awesome pictures. I am definitely going to take a walk.
I have to say that I believe more than ever that everything happens for a reason. There are a few people from Ryobi that I really miss and I can only figure they were the reason for that time in my life, but i feel so awake and vibrant now. I love technology and actually being able to help people with problems. I think this job, in thanks to my brother, is sent from Heaven.
Downtown is something I never expected to like. I was so wrong. So I'm a people watcher as most of you know, and today I stopped in Starbucks to get an ice coffee. While I was waiting, I noticed a guy sitting at the counter was coloring on a little food baggie. Not only coloring but intently coloring a scribble mess, but i think to him it was a masterpiece. I found this fantastic. I, of course, knowing people would not necessarily believe me, decided to take a few pictures that were completely unbeknownst to him. I will not post them or anything, because I obviously judged him, and it was completely wrong of me. I love people though and observing down there is really interesting to me. Consider this my confession to the world.

Don't forget tonight is a new duck dynasty.

Love you all.
Xoxo.. Millions and infinity

Thursday, August 8, 2013


Wow.. Been a long time since the last one. I wasn't sure what to say or what not to say for a bit now, didn't want to jinx things. I can honestly say that I am in love with ExactTarget. I cannot believe how wonderful it is to be orange. The people are great along with the product and concept. We just had a four day on-boarding training the was a group of people from all different walks. It was fantastic.

Yeah so yesterday was my birthday and I am very thankful for all of you that let me know you were thinking of me. Of course, I am feeling a little old and this year was the first so far that I've felt that way. Also it interesting to work at a company where the average age is probably 30.

Its weird at Ryobi I only felt like I connected at all with 2 people and this week alone I feel so much a part of everything and everyone at ExactTarget.  I have a fb friend from Sweden now even. He's Italian, but lives in Sweden. Also met a Scottish woman living in Australia now. Been an amazing week. I hope I always feel this way. Weird to almost be excited about what tomorrow brings at work. I'm certain I have never felt that way before.

Also this week I started a marketing course (back to the Masters Program). How fitting is it that I started a marketing class and started at a wonderful marketing company in one week? Very cool how things work out.

So.. In case anyone is interested.. Almost caught up now on Game of Thrones. Very awesome show.

K... Loving you
Missing most of you too..
Xoxo.. Millions and infinity

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Shots and hair cuts ...

I'm going to talk about shots that hurt..

Personally the worst shot I have ever received was behind my eyeball.  That was gross and it crunched as the needle went in.  HURT like .... yeah..
Second getting a shot in your heel of your foot - Like from the side - burns and hurts too...The doctor said it would but I was like - yeah whatever. okay it hurt about as bad as getting the spinal block thing..  Anyway..thought I'd share that.

Also, when zach was getting a hair cut today - a lady was telling her son that he was going to get a foehawk even though he was like - no I don't want one...the boy was about 10 and she was telling him how he was going to do what she wanted.  I started thinking..I do push zach to get a haircut when it's over his ears and looks shabby, but I don't tell him what he has to get.  I felt bad for that boy...I don't think parents should tell a kid how they have to wear their hair.  The parent doesn't have to wear it to school and get made fun of...Just some of my thoughts today..

K. bye
Jess - xoxo - millions - infinity

Monday, July 29, 2013

Eye Lashes and Toilets. . .

Good Monday Afternoon to all you gorgeous people.

Today - I fixed my mom's toilet - yeah that's right - I took it up and replaced the wax ring, and yes, there were a few small issues.  Why is it when you do something you've done a few times and you know how to do it and it should be the easiest job on earth is there something that goes wrong or doesn't want to work as you have planned in your mind?  Why are the small jobs sometimes the hardest...?  Well I have determined that maybe I should think that all housework jobs are going to be horrible and then maybe when they're not, I'll be so pleasantly surprised that I'll do a little dance.  I am so glad to live in an apartment where I have great maintenance men to do all my handy work.  In the meantime, are there any good single men out there that want a 50 something beautiful woman - She's honestly the nicest most wonderful mom I've got.  I'd love to set her up with a new handyman that can do things like changing wax rings.

Anyway today's messy job was done about 11 and I had dropped my car off to get new tires...

NOW a praise..I love Pomp's Tire of Lebanon.  Those guys, names Scott and Joe are awesome to work with and they are honest and good guys.  I will continue to take my car there even though I live in Greenwood.  They were the easy part of my day, and they take good care of Watts..even remembering his name...which to me is so amazing..

Then Zach and I went to Center Grove - Got his schedule and walked around.  We put stuff in his locker and found all his classes which he's feeling GREAT about.  Thank goodness.  Few more days and school starts for him and then a few after that and I start my new exciting job.   God is good.  Certainly.

On a side note, can anyone tell me what eye lashes are really good for...?  I'm so tired of having them fall into my eyes..would it hurt anything if I pluck them all out?  :)

love you
xoxo millions and infinity

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Putting it out there again. . .

I'm not writing this to offend anyone, but this is my thoughts blog and if you don't want to read it - I totally get that.

Everyone in their adult life has overcome something, or maybe is in the middle of overcoming now.  I really can't stand when I hear an adult at any age blame their childhood for why they are they way that they are.  Everyone has the right to be whatever they want or whomever they want.  So I know this guy that seriously has no legs from just above the knees down, and he's climbing mountains.  I know that you may say, well mine was the loss of someone important..well we all lose someone important at some point in our lives.   When I was in high school, I had a good friend that got into a car wreck with his sister who was my biology partner.  His sister died in that wreck and he had to go through some major rehab to just walk again, so please give me a break..we all have trials and tribulations.  I know that things get hard sometimes, and that we all have moments where we get depressed, but maybe before you put it out there in a way where it's all doom and gloom you can think about all of those that have it worse than you do, or have had it worse.  And then..what always helps me - I know you're not all me, nor would you want to be - but what helps me is to love someone or do something nice that you wouldn't normally do for someone.  Look into their eyes when they're truly grateful and then you'll know you're okay.

Something else, I'm gonna ask my facebook friends..this is not a demand, it's a request...I am okay when I'm out at a bar or hanging with someone and the occasional curse word escapes, heck I do it to sometimes, but please don't post a lot of "F" this and "F" that on your status.  I don't want to block anyone that is regularly on my news feed, but I don't want to read that crap.  Be tasteful please, and know that our children are out in FB land too.  Thanks..

On a lighter note, some of you know this, some of you don't...I will be starting next Monday at ExactTarget and I'm oh so excited about this...I love the place, so different than my life has been lately.

Love you all..
xoxo, Millions and Infinity

Monday, July 22, 2013

Rambling on. . .

Okay while last week was quite busy and interesting, this week, not so much so far.  That's okay though, I'm sure it'll turn out fine, and I'm sure that once I get my boy back home on Thursday I'll be feeling better about some stuff.
Still in the middle of Season One - Game of Thrones, and while I see the appeal, i'm not sure that it appeals to me all that much.   I do like the brute gorgeous men in the show, don't get me wrong, but i'm just not enthralled at this point.  Maybe I'll get there as time goes on, maybe not...Zach keeps trying to get me to get into Dr. Who, and well, I feel like I gave that as much time as I want to give it.
I realize I have been blogging less and less, but it's harder and harder for me to come up with topics I want to talk about.  I know right, me not rambling is kinda strange for me too.  I still have plenty to ramble on and on about, but I'm less inclined to do so right now.
Oh yeah, I talked about how great the best buy protection plan is, and it is a good deal, but used to be that I could just walk in anytime after they got my phone and they'd let me have the new, now you have to make an appointment or you can walk in, but it's with Geek Squad, so the walk in times are ridiculous.  Kinda pissed me off when I went to pick up Saturday morning.  The guys said it'd be at least an hour wait; this is seriously me picking up a phone, I don't need help from them to swap a sim card..geezz..Anyway, I didn't do it, instead I called in and made an appointment for 2 today.  Just thought that the process was going to be better now that they let me keep the old phone, and maybe it still is...I dunno..
Went to the Train concert Friday with the kids and my mom.  Gary has no desire to go there with us, but I don't really get why, honestly the best concert I have ever been to, besides them last year.  They do a great concert.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Nothing too important . . .

By the way - this is post 302 ever..kinda neat that I missed 300 and woah...really, I've written 301 of these things.. wow..

Okay so, a few things..One down - two more to go...what an exciting week.
Zach's braces are off, and it's not like I thought he wasn't handsome before, but again..woah..he's a cute young man..with that handsome gorgeous smile.  He's happy and so am I.

I think being friends with Phil from Duck Dynasty would be awesome.  He's so..calm and well..grounded..haha..I'd like to listen to his wisdom all day long - not eat anything around him or maybe even touch anything around him, but I would like to listen to him.  Happy Happy Happy..

So I created a Tumblr account today, because I saw the CEO on the Colbert Report last night.  I had no idea what Tumblr was or is really, but I figure I'll try to figure it out.  So far, I'm not really impressed, less impressive even is that Yahoo owns them I said, I'll figure out if there is anything great - and if there is - I'll report on it.

Oh - BTW..if I haven't blogged this before, Best Buy has the best phone replacement insurance EVER.  I got my Samsung Galaxy S4 about a month or so ago, and took it in for a replacement (cracked screen) - they ask no questions, just order you a new one.. Jenn has used it like 4 times and I used it about 3 with my Galaxy Note - and not this S4 - honestly the best insurance..just saying.  I even have Zach's iphone covered with them.  So if he does anything to it, drops it - or I even run over it - they replace it for like 8 a month, and as many times as it happens.  So if that means 4 iphones a year, that's fine with them.  (it's all about the odds of a person not using the insurance ya know - I'm sure some people buy it and don't use it, not my family though).

love ya

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Dreams and reality. . .

So, I'm caught up now on Newsroom, which I have to say is my favorite show, and I totally do not like the News which is hilarious.  Last night, Gary said, "Oh yeah this is about the Occupy Wallstreet" and I said, "huh?" and he was like, "You remember it lasted a long time, it was the protestors..." and I heard blah blah after that...but I said, "Nope, remember I don't watch the news?" and he said, "You did know that we got Osama Bin Laden, right?" to which I told him that only because of the Newsroom show, and I was totally on a more serious note, it's weird, cuz I don't want to hear all the negative stuff going on in the world, but I do love that show so much that I hope they make it forever.  Yeah peeps, I just said forever, knowing that the word is a fictional word.

I'm also caught up on Dexter, these shows have been our evening viewing lately.  Dexter has lost it's ummppff for me over the years though.  I'm kinda glad it's gonna come to a close.

I had one of those nights where I had several dreams that kept leading back to the first one last night and it was kinda eerie.  The first one was at a college and my grandparents were there taking classes.  For whatever reason I asked them to stay there until I got back, because I had something to take care of.  Later, I felt guilty when I was kinda in a completely different dream and jumped on a water slide that took me back to the college and I found them again.  And when I found them in a library type place studying, my grandma said, "well we were waiting on you to get back."  She asked me for computer help and I told her I had to find where it was plugged in - when I left the room, the dream when totally in a different direction and I forgot about them again, I was chasing some kid down a hallway and I remembered that I said I'd be right back to my grandma and felt guilty again.  I started looking in all the rooms and couldn't find them anywhere.  Well anyway, I didn't find them again and woke up feeling miserable at about 3.  I sat on the side of the bed and let the sad feelings over take me for a few minutes and then laid back down.  No more dreaming all night.
Okay so why do we sometimes let our dreams effect us so much?  I dunno, but sometimes I feel like they're truly the only way to hold on to some things.  In my dreams, I can see people I can't see anymore, and do things that no one knows or cares about.  Isn't that cool really?

Wish me luck this week...this is the week of interviews...yes I said interviews..multiple.  woot woot - say a prayer.

Millions / Infinity / xoxo
Love to all

Friday, July 12, 2013

Are all feelings a choice. . .

So...I was watching After Earth with Zach a few days ago, or hell, maybe yesterday..I dunno but in that movie Will Smith explains how fear is a choice, and how you do not have to feel that. Agreed.  I made sure to make sure Zach heard that, too...cuz he was more than a little scared on the Queen Mary earlier this week.

After that I watched the show Perception which is quite possibly one of my favorites and Daniel Pierce is giving a lecture about love where he mentions that maybe love is only "what you perceive" of the other person.  He explains that love is maybe something that we also can choose.  I have been a person that advocates that you can choose how you feel and how you deal with that for many years now, but here's the thing..I choose to love people when I don't necessary like them, but I'm not sure I can choose not to love someone.  Fear is something that I can see that is a choice, the same as anger, and sadness.  I am not sure about love though.  Is that my weakness or is it a strength?

Next - I am a Christian, but I also believe that everything evolves.  I think that it is closed minded to think that it isn't possible that we change to fit our surroundings, so next my question is...have we always loved?  and also, do animals love, you can see that they fear and get angry, so do you think they feel love like we do?

I have been in love many times in my life, not a one quite like the other, but that kind of love isn't something I feel like can be dismissed.  It's not something I feel like I can choose, but on the other hand, if it is possible, that would be a good thing to learn.  And then I think, did I actually love these people as deeply as it felt at the time, or was it my perception of what I wanted them to be like.  Did I instead love only the perception I created in the time I thought about them for endless hours?  Hmm...ponder that..

The love for my kids...that cannot be helped..Not a just is.

Okay - well for now,  I love you..prolly not in love, but love none the less..Well maybe in love..depends on who you are..;)

TTYL - Jess
Millions and Infinity..

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

you know where i'm at

I wrote this whole serious blog and then determined that I'm just not ready to share it.  Maybe someday.
Been listening to some Gavin DeGraw - Love that guy

Well, before you go away
I'm gonna give you all that I can say
The truth is harder to amuse
But when you know it's wrong
You got to cut it loose

Oh, it's better up ahead
The worst is over now
Remember what I said
Live, you don't have to look back
But if you ever do,
You know where I'm at

Well now you know where I'm at - back in Indiana after a week of paradise.  Of course, this trip did have many more hiccups than any other California trip, but it was still fantastic.
I found a new hotel favorite - Sand and Surf Resort in Laguna was really nice.  The Capri - NOT so much..even though their website looks good, it's a sure thing that I won't be going back there.

Well - love to all.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

wish you were here...

As I lay here..i try to think about what to blog about..
I'm here in this place I love so much, but with only a few of the people I love.  I hear the waves lapping outside and we're all wore out.  Love doesn't feel like the right word for how I feel about California and the beach here.  I realize that I'll prolly never live here and that's okay, it is a nice place to visit.  Bliss...I feel like this place makes me feel a total blissfulness.  Like the puffy clouds on a spring day with no humidity in Indiana...makes me happy.  Not Like a Winter day in Indiana though...definitely not into cold..

I do have a more serious issue I'd like to address with you all.. but on a more serious day..

Okay - so...
yeah..I got nothing..really
Been a great day...and yesterday and the day before...Wish you were here..if you aren't..


Friday, July 5, 2013

Patience, Understanding and Love...

So... I still love this place.. Had a bit of a rough start as far as hotels.. Hard to choose a hotel over the Internet but I do not recommend staying at the Capri of Laguna.. We're switching to the sand and surf resort.. For tonight we're on a wait list but we're going there tomorrow for sure... Anyway.. We've been having fun despite the horrible accommodations and no parking..
Yeah.. So.. Patience.. Understanding and love.. That's what I'm trying to maintain throughout..
Patience is hard for me.. I am kinda an instant gratification type of soul.. I do know sometimes things can't go the way I want them to though, and I can't help feeling that just sucks..
Understanding.. That ones a little easier, I can empathize with most.. I get that your thoughts and emotions and well world in general is different than mine.. And that's okay.. As long as there is communication, I believe I can understand what you're feeling.
LOVE... no explanation necessary.. I feel it in everything.. And everyone.. Some more than others and differently, but love in and of itself is so easy..

Hope you have a cherished and peace filled day...
Know that I love you

Monday, July 1, 2013

It's for the BEST. . .

When I first heard this song, I didn't really listen to the lyrics, but recently, I did...and wow...I knew I liked the song, but now I love this song, and thought I'd share...such a catchy Michael Buble..The song is about being rejected, but instead of him being all torn up, he's just happy that the day is still beautiful..cup half full..

"I don’t know why
You think that you could hold me
When you couldn’t get by by yourself
And I don’t know who
Would ever want to tear the seam of someone’s dream
Baby, it’s fine, you said that we should just be friends
While I came up with that line and I’m sure
That it’s for the best
If you ever change your mind, don’t hold your breath

‘Cause you may not believe
That baby, I’m relieved
When you said goodbye, my whole world shines

Hey hey hey
It’s a beautiful day and I can’t stop myself from smiling
If we're drinking, then I’m buying
And I know there’s no denying
It’s a beautiful day, the sun is up, the music’s playing
And even if it started raining
You won’t hear this boy complaining
‘Cause I’m glad that you’re the one that got away
It’s a beautiful day"

Watching Bill Maher and AGAIN why wear ties...Well I'm not watching really, but it's on.  All the men have on tacky ties..dorky..just saying..

Okay - well tomorrow I get to hug my favorite girl in the whole world.  
Love you all
Millions/infinity ... xoxo

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Giving...Forgiveness. . .

So a question was posed today?  How should you treat co-workers and those that you may see begging for money along side of the road...?  Well, I guess because I have heard and thought about how many times people may be just begging as a living, it has been a long time since I have handed money or anything out my window...Honestly, I just assume that they are better off then they are letting on..Honestly I just think, why aren't you doing something different.  Now though, I guess I'm thinking I was wrong and that was very judgmental of me.  It's not my place to decide whether someone really needs the help or not, it's my job to do my best to give of myself to everyone and know that I won't be judged badly for it in the long run.  How far from being one of those people are any of us anyway?  As far as co-workers, most of you know me personally.  What you might not know is that in the last 6 months, I have been tried this way.  I have been told who is "stupid", and who I should and shouldn't be friends with.  I have been told it would "be a bad idea" to go to lunch with certain people.  I have been told that "I was getting to close" to certain people, well...I like to form my own opinions, even if that means that I am pushed out for it.
People are fantastic most generally, even the rough ones, that seem like they are scorned.  People just need to feel loved and cared for, and why shouldn't everyone feel that way.  Treat others the way you want to be treated..that's not a religious thing, it fits, but it's just the way i wish we all felt.  Something funny tho, the person that kept telling me how "ignorant" and "stupid" people are is someone who goes to church on Sundays and Wednesdays and acts like he's a real "Christian" (not that he isn't a Christian that also does bad things, but geezz).. No offense, but "Christianity" has a bad name, and honestly, this kind of thing is why.  I am not a great person or a great "Christian", I just try hard to make sure that love is at the forefront of my life.  I have made mistakes; I make mistakes daily, but I hope that if you know me you know where I am going with this.  I know along the way, I have screwed up some relationships, and I'm sorry for that.  I have trouble with thinking before I speak at times, and well, I know that I can say things and make you think too much about them later.  I apologize to anyone that I have hurt or upset or pissed off or whatever...and yes, that even goes to those people that I don't get along so well with.  I'm working on forgiveness.  I feel like not forgiving is wasting emotion and in turn, wasting time.  I don't want to waste time on something that means nothing in the long run.
I'll bet most of you know today's song.  The Beatles - another one of my favorites, said it best.
"There's nothing you can do that can't be done
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game
It's easy
There's nothing you can make that can't me made
No one you can save that can't be saved
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time
It's easy
All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need"

The love thing seems to be my broken record.  Oh well.. 
Have a great rest of your Sunday and start to your week.
Love - Jess
millions, infinity, xoxo

Saturday, June 29, 2013

My perfect storm. . .

Been a lazy day - watching the rain.  Nice temperature and nice sweet rain.  Get my boy back tomorrow and Jenn comes Tuesday - yay..
Interesting feelings today too...I guess it's good that I recognize all of them and not dwell.  
Today's lyrics are from one of my all time favorite artists - Andy Grammar...Yes...I'm not ashamed of him being one of my favorites..

"The glow that the sun gives
Right around sunset
Helps me realize
This is just a journey
Drop your worries
You are gonna turn out fine.
Oh, you'll turn out fine.
Fine, oh, you'll turn out fine."

It seems like every time I start to get a bad/sad/lonely feeling I hear this song.  It tells me that no matter what I need to keep my head up and keep going.  Pushing forward.  This is just a journey that we're on and no matter what happens we can only turn out okay.  In the long run, this day is just this day.   I just heard a line from A Perfect Storm - "Remember, I will always love you, never goodbye, just love" and I thought about how true that is. 

As Lucy grows older, and my kids get older and taller, I think of how short things are...How much time we waste being what we don't want to be and where we don't want to be and do what we don't want to do...why...why can't we be who we want and do what we want in this one lifetime.  I'm gonna try to do only what is right, but what I want to do ... and be where I want and around whom I want and  . . . so on..I'm going to try to do all this, but in my own time.  Also, I think I need a time machine, so if anyone has one, pls let me know.  And, I am still waiting on my vampire bite...again, if you know one and can send them my way -'ll be in my debt...

Love you all
millions and infinity xoxo

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Behind Blue Eyes. . .

You ever wonder why men wore/wear ties?  What ever made someone think that looked good?  I think a tie is kinda a weird tradition.
I think we do all kinds of stuff that is weird..Like necklaces ... ever notice that all women on the news wear necklaces..why?? and again..I don't watch the news but Gary does and I just noticed all this weird stuff.  Is it like a requirement that if you're going to be on TV you have to wear ties and necklaces?
So today is a beautiful day. I or do I not talk about my opinion on the same sex marriage thing???
Hmm..yes, I think so...I think marriage is a sham anyway.  I don't think the relationship itself is, but the idea of marriage is a traditional thing and the government wants to control so many aspects of our lives.  Maybe instead of making it legal for same sex to get married, we do away with marriage by the government standards all together and everything becomes a union between people and their own religions.  I do realize what getting married in the eyes of the government give a person, and I say why does it have to be that way?  Why does it matter to me that a person can insure their same sex partner and file taxes together?  People act like marriage gives a person so many benefits that they wouldn't get otherwise, but why is it that way?  Why do American's have to be married to get the benefits of Social Security and insurance - and the tax thing isn't a benefit really..?  I say we let anyone call whatever they want to call whatever they want to call it.  Of course, I am not a judgmental person.  - - Before anyone judges me for my thoughts...These are my thoughts and you're reading them.
Today - I'm feeling like sharing some lyrics from "The Who"
When my fist clenches, crack it open 
Before I use it and lose my cool 
When I smile, tell me some bad news 
Before I laugh and act like a fool 

And if I swallow anything evil 
Put your finger down my throat 
And if I shiver, please give me a blanket 
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat

I think for a while I'm going to share lyrics of my favorites...And for no reason necessarily other than I just want to.

Love you

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Pickles and Hugs...Hugs and pickles - what a combo

Today is one of those days when I'm thankful for things.  I'm thankful all days, but today I'm thankful for pickles.  I'm not sure who decided cucumbers in vinegar was a good idea, but I sure am happy they did.  I'm also thinking that there are two kinds of people in this world; those who like dill, and those who don't.  I can't remember anyone ever saying, well I like Dill kind of.  I did talk to someone today that said, "only the chips kind" but I think that is a mental thing.

I would like to know if you are a dill person or not.  I would like to know if you like tomatoes and olives and lemons.  That is one whole food group for me.  No joke actually.  We could add a few things like artichokes and jalapenos.  Those all fit into the same category for me.  FAVORITES.  What about you?  Do you like my favorites list?
I got to hug my baby again today.  That was nice.  He's such a good kid.  A good hug..a good hug is very very important to me.  Love is in hugs.  A while ago, a young girl I know hugged me, but it was that one-armed half hug thing, and I said, "Can I have a real hug now?".   She came back and I embraced her and said, "isn't that nicer" - she said, "yeah, that hug feels more like you love me."  And, I said, "yep, this is the way you should hug your momma, too."  Yeah, I do love her and so giving a good firm strong hug is important.  A friend once told me that I was a "patter" and I quit that, because that makes the hug feel somehow fake. Now every time I see her, she gives me a "real" hug.   When my kids were younger, they used to complain about their dad's hugs.  About how he gave them the half hug and it hurt their feelings.  I'm so glad that I know how to make people know my true feelings with a hug.  Hugs are really really important.
Give a HUG today.  A real one to someone you love.  You don't have to say, "I love you", just hug them tight and they'll know.  Now wrap your arms around you tight and know that is me hugging you; I think you should do this and send me vibes so that I can feel it..(haha..and now we'll hold a childrens show.. I need your help kids..hug me ... I get power from your - some of you will get that)

Love you..
millions - infinity

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Another zombie post..

Over the years.. Love has come and gone, friendships have come and gone, time has come and gone.. I think for sure I recognize what is important at this point. For sure what matters are those people and relationships that stand firm. Those people that love you through the heartache and support you even when you know you're being irrational. 
The last few weeks have gone by slowly for me, and honestly I am having trouble with self esteem a little. I know most people that know me don't think this is possible, but self worth is important and quite frankly, I am not gonna act like I feel totally worthy.
I consciously decided how I was going to handle everything, and that has been helpful. Not great and there are still moments when I feel myself falling. I am a pretty positive person and know that no matter what happens I am fine, but that doesn't stop the anxiety at times..
I cannot keep up this blog everyday, sorry tommy, but my life is simply not that amusing right now and neither are my thoughts. I do love you all and I will blog every couple days or when I have something interesting to say.

Went to see World War Z today. I liked it. Very much actually. I do believe those zombies were much scarier than the zombies on Walking Dead.  Brad Pitt.. Yeah I don't see the heart throb thing. He's not all that... I'll tell you what though, I've been listening to the book "Scarlet" it's the sequel to "Cinder".. There is a character in the book named Wolf and he's this rough, large, disturbed guy that is protective of Scarlet and I think I love him.. Think my favorite book character since Wade Watts.. My cars namesake.

Okay enough for today and yesterday.
Love.. Xoxo.. Infinity and millions..
9 days til CA.. Wonder if I'll even come back to Indiana this time.

Friday, June 21, 2013


So lately I've been on a tomato kick. I sure love everything about them. I'm thinking it's helping my waist line too, but I seriously have been getting excited about the idea of a tomato for lunch every day. It seems like every summer I go a little crazy about some fruit or veggie.. This summer is the tomato.. Last was pluots (plum/apricot).. Tomatoes are much better for you tho with very little sugar. I've said this before but dill pickles, olives and tomatoes, I am certain they are part of my heaven. Along with laguna Beach of course. It's weird because I know God made those things specifically for me. :)
In an hour or so my sweet baby girl will be here to swim with aunt jess and grandma Nanette and then we're all going to the Marion County fair tonight.
Zach will be back tomorrow;although, he's going straight to his dad's for another week, at least I'll get to hear his voice and text with him again. This week has made me an emotional basket case. I'm not sorry about any of it, but I know I've had some crazy thoughts and feelings. I can't wait for next weekend when I get to cuddle up next to him and watch a movie or something. I love that young man, and hope he has learned a lot on this trip.
Love to you all.
Xoxo.. Millions and infinity

Thursday, June 20, 2013


Today... Went to Lebanon to do some black box work.. Then went to see the most beautiful 2 year old I know, my niece.. And her wonderful beautiful smart grandma... Nanette is so good with her.. When she needed her diaper changed and aunt jess volunteered.. She said "and you can show aunt jess what you can do with shaving creme.." wow.. What a fantastic idea.. We made all kinds of stuff on that mirror..
I love Nanette..
Grandma's are so cool right..
Mom.. You know.. This is why zach is weird about you right..
Grandma's are wonderful..

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Inappropriate Swimwear. . .

Okay - So..I love going to pools.  I love to watch people.  You ever wonder if they look in the mirror at themselves before they decide to wear that suit?   I get that I am not skinny, and I'm good with it, but I also don't try to make people see more of the fat then they need to.  I seriously saw a woman today with a tattoo around her belly button, and maybe once when she was young and skinny it looked good, but now I just think "bad choice" when I see it looking like her belly button is a mouth.
On the other hand, I am kinda proud of women that don't care what anyone thinks.  I like how people are okay enough with themselves and confident enough to wear it; I just don't necessarily want to see it.

Happy Happy Happy.

Hope you're all having a great day.  Love you

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Good day

I never thought that I had anymore to give
Pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same

Yeah that's right.. Those are lyrics
Anyway, Today was an okay day with sheila tomorrow will be better... Pool was closed today, so we had to figure out our own thing, but we did good.
Small doesn't mean not good.. Nothing homemade in this post
Love you all

Monday, June 17, 2013

What is the meaning? . . .

What does it all mean?

Life is full of changes
full of happy and sad
to what do I owe this moment
How do I give back

I feel over the top
Happy to know Happy to see
Happy to feel my feelings
and elated to know the truth

It's good to know I'm not alone
It's good to feel your heart
I hope you know what you given to me
I hope you knew from the start

Freedom is an excellent feeling
Deciding what should come next
How do I decide what that next is
How do I feel all that is supposed to be felt.

Tomorrow is a new day
We'll see what it brings
I'll be here either way
There is no other way to be


Sunday, June 16, 2013

Air Guitar/Air Drums - Dorky . . .

It's amazing how sometimes things happen and you're like, no no no...and then given a few moments you're like...hmmm...okay maybe this is good..and then within a few days you can be like..yes that was a good thing..I love my life and my boys and my family.  Things will always be there to bring you down or to try to bring you down, but I think if you don't let them and you figure out how to rise above, you'll be that much better off.

Dad - I love you - Happy Father's day - it was great to see you for a bit today.

So at the concert last night (Tom Petty) and we had fantastic seats, but this dude next to Gary thought it was imperative that he played air drums and jumped around.  What a dork, and it wasn't just one song, it was the WHOLE night.  The two guys in front of me were playing air guitar too and I started thinking about how men/boys do this and I think it's so silly.  Especially when you don't play guitar or drums.  Girls do not think this looks cool (yes, I am speaking for the trees) - - we think it's okay to bob your head or dance a little but air whatevers...NO..that is not cool or cute..
Also, why do we still do the encore thing.  I've been to a lot of concerts, and that tradition I find funny.  We already know it's gonna happen even without screaming and beating on things (like the back of chairs - weirdo next to us).  I think they should just say - "Okay here's our encore - we're not coming back out to play you a few's our few more.." - - Probably not as fun I know..

Okay - this blog was a little more meaningful - Hey so I'm gonna work on getting a children's book illustrated soon, anyone ever publish a children's book.  Could use tips or whatever..

Saturday, June 15, 2013


So went to the Tom Petty concert and had fabulous seats. Very good time with very good company. Tomorrow morning early my boy leaves on his mission trip to Birmingham. I'm honestly nervous. Silly I know, but he's my baby. I know my blogs have sucked lately, but it's cuz I've just been trying to get them in. I know I'm late on this.
I'll try to come up with something meaningful on the next one.
Love you all

Friday, June 14, 2013


this is me saying..good night
it was a fabulous day and a fabulous night with spectacular people.

thanks to you..happy Friday night

xoxo..millions and infinity

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Green Trees

Tired tonight.
Not much to talk about. What a beautiful day.
Today was what I like to think of as a "happy place" sky. Hope everyone had a great day.
Love to you..

Wednesday, June 12, 2013


What to say.. What to say..
Why do penguins have wings? Why not arms? It seems like the wings really serve no actual purpose.
Had a great black box meeting tonight. I think it's amazing where we are now compared to last year.
Gary hates that I mention him in these, but it is really nice to have such a supportive man who really does know a lot about my internal mind. That is scary for him i bet sometimes. He probably knows as much as anyone can know about how my thoughts work. Maybe Jennifer might know me a little better since she is so similar in her thinking. Sorry I did that to you kid.
Got a call from my oldest today too.. It's so nice to be hearing from him so often lately. I love my kids so much.
When we were walking yesterday, I saw the ugliest bird. Wren maybe, but it was ugly and kinda creepy with a long neck and long legs. I'm not sure I've been creeped out by a bird before, but eewwee. The pond we walk around has ducks with baby ducks and they are cool to watch. I do like the wildlife.
Got to see Tommy for a few minutes tonight; love that man.

K.. Boring I know.. Love you all
Xoxo.. Infinity and millions

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Hugs . . .

Life is fantastic.  I am honestly so thankful for so much.  There are things that happen and sometimes you're like - - WHAT??? -- but then after a day or two you think, yeah..this could be really good.  I can't pretend like I know what tomorrow brings, but whatever it is...I'm sure it will be ok.  I mean how else can it be, right?

So..I want to tell you about my day..I woke up after a not so good nights sleep and decided I was going to go down to the pool and just relax today..well on my way I started looking for my purse, and it was no where..then I remembered that last night when we went out I had put it on the back of the chair and must've left it there.  I called them and they had it so headed over.  The nice girl gave me my purse and I felt like a boulder had lifted and then once I was going down the road, I noticed - no wallet.  ... urge - this meant that today was going to be a day of recovery from credit cards to bank cards ... and so on..Well.. I called her back hoping and she said she did have it I turned around and went back to get today was going to be bad, but ended up being not bad at all..oh yeah and then i dropped my brand new phone at the pool, but ... at least i have insurance..why am i telling you all this..well - I have decided that I am going to stay positive and try to just pray and let things take me where they will.  It will be nice not having someone trying to bring me down or talking bad about others every freaking day.

I have a couple really good friends that I met in my short time at Ryobi and I'll cherish them forever, but overall not a good experience.  I'm ready to figure out what will happen next.  Thanks to all that love me.  I do love you too..

HUGS..xoxo..millions and infinity..

Monday, June 10, 2013

This is for you...

I know there are a few of you anxiously awaiting my words tonight. To this all I can say is hold true to what you believe is right. I know the real reasons and believe whole heartedly in karma. Sad. I do not have to be in power to make people my friends. I can have them honestly, and I believe it's sad that others have to do this with paychecks. But then leaders are people that have charisma and get people to follow them using things other than brute.
It is amazing to me how many people act like others are stupid because they live in different areas of existence.  Words alone Do NOT make you intelligent.
I have recently been pushed to believe that because people didn't want a system FORCED on them that they are somehow.. What's the word.. Oh let's see ignorant, retarded and stupid..
We'll this is what is I think.. Those people know their business much more than some guy that never even visits the floor. I have friends and you know who you are.. Thank you for being great.
I couldn't join the "club"  and that was the end of me.. We all know the truth about what's going on there.  Eventually everyone gets what's coming to them..
My friends, You all know I was not happy in that environment anyway.  To you all.. I love you.. Yes.. Got that... I love you and to those that didn't like that.. Blah.. Get over it.. I'm not that easily controlled, but thankfully for you.. You have someone that is.

Enuf tonight.. Millions and infinity xoxo

Sunday, June 9, 2013

diet dew.. .

Why would restaurants have mountain dew but no diet dew...seriously??  Got to spend time again with Roy, Sarah and Luce today.  I love warm happy days.  Zach's been gone no time at all and I'm missing him.  Getting ready to watch some Identity Thief and relax.  Dude she punches the bar tender in the throat - which is what I always say "I'm gonna punch you in the neck" - and yes, it did give the reaction I expected..Funny..

It's been a happy Sunday - hopefully that way for all.  I know - I can't be entertaining all the time..Sometimes, I'm just plain boring..

Love you
millions infinity.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

ants - - eewwwee....

Good day with family and food.  Summer is such a great time for grilling and cookouts and walks and hikes and ants.  Okay so..when I was 4 or 5 we went to Texas and mom picked me up outta the car and stood me in a fire ant hill.  I was wearing pants so they traveled up my pants and bit me a bunch until mom realized I wasn't just squirming.  Well I feel so lucky because much of the same happened today.  I got out of the car, got stuff outta the back and then thought my jeans were poking me in weird spots,.... was a bunch of ants and they were about creepy - and people don't understand why I don't like things with more than 2 legs...well that's the reason..lots of ants died today..but not before they made me a little miserable.

I'm all about enjoying whatever season we're in, except for really cold winter - not sure what kinda weirdo enjoys that. I think that Fall and Spring are mostly my favorites, but the weather lately has be fantastic for summer in Indiana.
Not a long blog, but I'm exhausted today.

Love to all
millions and infinity..

Friday, June 7, 2013

Little details...

What makes one person different than another?  
I think most of who I am was formed pretty early on.  My parents were really great at letting me express myself and be opinionated.  I remember always being asked what I wanted to eat and what clothing I'd like and so on.  My childhood was not all roses and butterflies, but there were a lot of good things that happened to go along with the bad.  My parents were a good combination to learn from, even if they should not have had kids biologically (too many hereditary diseases).  I was obviously married too early (age 19) to a man that had two kids already and by 21 we had a third.  I'm counting that whole marriage as part of my childhood, because honestly it was.  It was only after that when I decided it was time to know who I was and what I wanted and what I believed. So who am I?  What do I want? What do I believe?

Well, I believe that I am compassionate, loving, and nurturing, but also I'm courageous, sarcastic, opinionated daring and fun.  I am pretty quick on my feet and generally happy about most things.  I also have many weird quirks, but they are mine to have.

I want happiness and love.  I want people to recognize the importance of relationships and how nothing on this earth matters besides that and Google of course. I want sunny 75 degree days with blue skies, and long bubble baths.  Also I want the greatest best phone out there, which I have with my new one. More than all things, I hope for the success and happiness of my kids.

I believe in God and Jesus and love and the Beatles, oh and myself.  I believe that people choose who and what they are or want to be.  I also believe that we did land on the moon, although, I know it aggravates some people in my life when I act like I don't think we did. 

I think the most important rule in life is treat others right, so I hope you feel like I have always treated you good.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Ah yes.. Ah yes...

Tonight.. No walking.. No tanning.. No working out... No driving to Lebanon..

I'm going to be direct in this blog.. Sometimes I'm vague, but you should know that I love you and thanks for loving me.. There are moments that I get bored of this, but then I look at my stats.. Wow.. I love you.. Thanks for checking in..

I also love bathing.. And my new bathtub is fantastic.. I guess most of you are like 'Well that's good..' But seriously one of my favorite things is to take a bath with a glass of wine while listening to an audio  book. It's a nice wind down and well just so warm and comfortable.. I like taking a really hot bath, finishing my glass and then taking a cool shower to wash off.. So so nice..

Okay so tomorrow night I basically say goodbye to my son for three weeks.. He's with his dad for a week, and then home for a day before he goes on his mission trip for a week and then back to his dad's for another week. Most of you that really no me know that I am going to freak out a little. Maybe I'll stay busy enough where this will be okay, but I guarantee you that I will have a really rough week the last week. Sorry in advance, but I am not sure I've ever been without him that long.

Anyway.. Millions and infinity..

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

expectations . . .

We all have them.  Even when we don't mean to.  For instance, you're coming to my blog because you either a) expect me to say something interesting or b) feel like you have some obligation to do so.  I have an expectation of being in Laguna beach in a month.... . and so on..  Do you think it's possible to live life without any expectations at all?  I don't actually.  I think we can be conscious of it when it happens and push it aside, but I think we're wired to be expectant.

Sometimes we base our expectations on the filters in our life.  We constantly compare things and have an idea what it should be like based on what we know from the past.  We think of how people should behave and how our lives should be, but it's all based on fantasy.  How do we keep ourselves from falling into the rut of expecting things all the time?  I think we need to ask the question - - "am I living to the fullest?"  In order to live fully you have to live for what is happening around you now.  This doesn't mean you can't look into the future and get excited about upcoming events, but. . .it does mean that you should live the moments you're missing possibly right now.

I remember I used to get upset when things wouldn't go as planned.  (I'm not going to say that this never happens now, but definitely much less)  I remember when I'd build myself up for something and then feel way let down when it didn't turn out that way. So many times a person tries to control an outcome that is out of their control.  We cannot predict what tomorrow will bring, so why do we push ourselves in that direction and obsess about what we want rather than what we have?

And now I know a bunch of you are wondering why I would venture onto this topic...well..a friend of mine and I were talking about expectations today, and I had a long drive and plenty of time to think about that.  I feel like I wasted a lot of years expecting things to go a certain way and that never really worked out for me...I'm hoping that a few of you will read this, and understand and take it to heart.  Things happen so fast and our live is over.  We should look at all we have right now and enjoy life as more comes our way, but not try to push something to be that may never be.

well okay I've been in Lebanon and back and now watching "through the wormhole"...
Good night and Love to all
xoxo..infinity and millions

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Sappy kid post...

My kids..
So many of you know that David and Jennifer are my step-kids.  They were from my previous marriage, but I hope that this blog helps people to understand that blood is so unimportant in the feeling of family.

The first time I met David he was five and Jenn was two.  David came running into the living room when his father and I were working on a school video project.  He was missing his front four upper teeth, and was just the most gorgeous kid.  He was tiny for five, and had a sweet sing song voice.  He was wearing a little blue stripped long sleeve shirt.  I'm not sure why I remember that other than it was love at first sight.  The way he said "daddy" melted my heart, and at that moment I thought "this man is raising his two children and they have such a great relationship."  - - It's interesting what you find out over time, but this isn't to undercut the relationship my ex has with his kids.

Jennifer had cute little chubby cheeks and little budda like belly.  She had blonde hair, and her eyes were so blue.  I can honestly say, I didn't want kids or even like them, until I met this babies.  Jennifer and I seemed to connect only through looks at first, I couldn't understand anything her two year old mouth said, but Dave could.  I'd say "what, honey?" and David would say..."she said,...."  It went on like that for nearly a year.  He could understand her, but to me she was speaking gibberish.

I remember when we were married, and he was working in Lafayette, he'd leave, and I'd hear the pitter patter of little feet coming down the hall..first it was David and he'd jump in bed with me, and then Jenn would quickly follow.  Those kids were my everything; suddenly it was like I knew my purpose in life was to be their mommy.  I'm not saying any of this to hurt anyone, btw...I'm just saying it because it was so real.  They felt like mine, but something was missing.  For a while, I had them completely, but every now and then they'd leave to go visit another mommy, and I remember standing at the dryer and crying and smelling clothing, because I longed for them so much.  That was when I made a conscious decision; I needed one that I wasn't going to have to share. Zacheriah was the product of that decision. He was born too early and way too small, but not that you could tell any of that now.

The older two are adults now and Zach a teen, but I can honestly say that I love them all so much. I was truly blessed and am so thankful to have each of them. I wish everyone had three just like them, so they could feel the joy they have brought to me.

Feeling a little sentimental as I wait for the tanning room to free up.

Monday, June 3, 2013


Definitely a good gorgeous day.
Do you think that smiling causes happiness?  If you smile at someone are you happy in that moment?  I think it's possible to smile falsely and not be actually happy.  But I did try to smile a few minutes today when I wasn't necessarily happy, and it did make me happy, but mostly because I started laughing at myself (felt foolish).  I do think that optimism and happiness go hand in hand; of course, this is my thoughts, you can disagree.  But i think that if a person is generally a "cup half full" type of person, they are more often more happy than those that tend to look at all the "cup" as "half empty".

Have you ever thought of how many things we do as a society because of tradition?  Sometimes I find it overwhelming and astounding.  I really don't mind everyone's traditions, but sometimes I feel like people think I'm crazy because I don't want to just follow to follow.  
Like the whole burial thing.  I have no desire to have a traditional funeral and burial.  I'll be dead, people, so just do whatever you want to, and my body will seriously mean nothing to me anymore, so . . .I suggest cremation. I expect that at the point you all are being sad about my passing, I'll be having a margarita on the beach (Laguna) with my grandparents and Shawn in my own little piece of Heaven.
Also the wedding ceremony.. And spending an arm and a leg to tell the world you're married. I just think we overkill and sometimes make ourselves miserable just for the sake of tradition.
And why do we work a five day work week? Why can't we work more hours less days..? I know that some places offer stuff like that but why do we, as a whole, traditionally have a five on two off thing?
As I think of more, I'll mention them..

Went walking tonight at Liberty Park. That is gonna work; it's not Lebanon Memorial Park, but it is definitely better than walking in a cemetery. Did I mention that today is gorgeous?

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Church talk...

<p dir="ltr">Been a pretty lazy day. Did go to Lebanon for church, which was nice. In Sunday school today we talked about hope vs. Wishing and it got me thinking. I believe that the worst times in a person's life have to do with loss. I was thinking about control and there is only so much a person is truly in control of. For me.. Loss and sickness of loved ones have been the worst valley lows. I'm not a person that is too hung up on anything other than love and relationships so I guess that makes sense. <br>
Another thing, Daves message today was about the people in your life that have been your inspiration... Honestly I think so many people have inspired so many different things from me. My mom has a heart of gold and I have taken that piece from her, but everyone I know and have known have made me who I am today. I learn from people daily, and I am thankful for that. Also we talked about righteousness and how some people walk with God. I think there is a fine line between being really a righteous and spiritual person and believing you are better than others. I  think often times Christians fall into a believe that because they believe a certain way they are better than others. Yup that bugs me. I say we just love each other and treat everyone the way we want to be treated..

Okay enough.. Millions and infinity

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Why do you do that . . .

Some kids...Some dinner...some family - love to all of them.  And got to talk to my oldest sweetie for a few minutes tonight too.  Love you David.

Today, gary and I took a walk through a few cemeteries.  No place to really walk long distance around here.   Saw a turtle that was cracked in half - seriously saddened me.  What the heck is up with the turtles in this area?  All I can figure is that there are a lot of ponds.  This day was pretty good overall.  Gary's kids and grandkids filled our evening, which is always a good time.

The apartment is starting to feel more like home.  Got two pictures on the wall today and I think every box is unpacked now.  I do like the tanning room and the gym and the pool a lot.  Makes me feel like a spoiled rich kid a little.

Hmmm...a question was posed to me today..Why do I recycle?  I recycle because I feel like I'm doing my part to save our planet.  I recycle because too many people think it's okay to trash stuff that can be used for other things.  I recycle because I want my great grandchildren to still have a place on this planet. We waste so much, if a tiny bit of what I use can be reused for the something, I'm all for it.  I also try to buy recycled products that way I feel better about all that I use and reduce my footprint of waste on this world.  There ya go..that is the best explanation I can give.  I don't hate against those that don't recycle, I just really believe it is important to understand that we waste so much that even our own children and grandchildren are going to have to pay for what we're doing now.  The earth has limited resources, and we're so wasteful.  I love you, tommy.  Hope that was good enough.

Love ...Millions forever and infinity forever and xoxo..

Friday, May 31, 2013

A Herman Turtle night...

Saved a turtle tonight.. Okay so imagine this... A turtle about 1 foot around decided it would be a good thing to cross state road 135.. Most that really know me know that I have a weird turtle thing that I think stems from childhood. Anyhow this turtle (we'll refer to him as Herman) was slowly crossing the road while cars were swerving to miss him. We were pulling into the apartment, so I had Gary pull over so I could run into traffic to save Herman. He was in the middle turning lane when I ran out to him and he snapped at me to try to eat me. So we circled each other a few times while I yelled "Herman you are going to die out here. You have to let me help you." I'm sure it looked pretty funny. I finally got behind him and lifted him up while he was snapping wildly and a man had gotten out of his truck and told me to put him down he'd get him. He actually said, "put him down, he'll take your finger off" and then he told me that I should grab them by the tail as he picked him up. He put him in the bed of his truck and told me he'd put him in his pond. So yeah..
Yesterday I fell in front of God knows who.. And looked like a fool of course and then today I ran into the middle of the highway and yelled at a turtle. Definitely a cool person to become friends with all of you Greenwood people. Good times.

On another note... If you didn't know, I live Google and Chrome and all of you that don't well... Shut it...

Love you all.. Xoxo.. Millions and infinity

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Drip. . Drip. . .

Winnie the Pooh..Most interesting thought today, but someone mentioned how Eeyore always seemed sad.  That got me thinking.  You know what..That show held a wide variety of emotion.  Eeyore - depression, Tigger - happiness/joy, Pooh - 'la de dah', Kanga - Love, Roo - eagerness, Rabbit - stern, Owl - content/wisdom, piglet - hmm. Yes, i get some of that isn't emotion, but rather the characters were all perfect to make a story.  Much the same as life, really.

Okay some slightly ridiculous facts about me:
  1. I am the biggest klutz ever.  I just fell walking down the damn sidewalk, seriously, and then I got up and walked on like nothing was hurting and like it happens all the time.  I'm sure if there were people on their balconies they were laughing their asses off.  I know I would have been. 
  2. I used to eat lemons with salt on them all the time.  I mean like one a day at least until well not sure when or why I stopped doing that.  It's been years tho.
  3. I think I could probably survive on dill pickles and olives alone.  I like the big olives though that are stuffed with jalapenos.  And, I am not really a picky pickle eater as long as they aren't sweet.
  4. People's feet really do gross me out.  I don't know why, but the thought of feet without socks touching me or well just thinking about what a person's feet might look like, kinda freaks me out a little.
  5. I grew up in the country (seriously - the sticks - until I was 14) and I have always been creeped out by spiders.  I would go outside and climb trees and build and sleep in forts, but seeing something with eight legs is just completely not natural.  AND...I even collected snakes when I was a kid a few times.
  6. Sometimes when I'm in an enclosed space with people, like even an office - - not always but sometimes - - I start thinking about breathing air that was in that other person, and usually that is not a great thing.  I have even imagined it vividly in the past and if you want details, ask me.  I know this is crazy, but it's true.
  7. I kinda have a thing for turtles.  They're awesomely cute.  
  8. Air conditioning makes me sick I think.
  9. Bruises form all over my body and sometimes horrible ones and I don't even remember getting hurt.  It's a weird phenomenon.  and sometimes like the fall - I do remember. 
  10. I can't eat bananas and I miss them so much.  They make me really sick like feel like I'm gonna die sick, but the smell of them makes me want them so badly that someday it might be worth it.  I have the same problem with egg yolks, but on a much smaller scale.  I don't really crave egg yolk though only miss deviled eggs a bit.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013


Getting close to being unpacked - all things are finding a place.  I have my boy home with us, and everything is feeling right.  I am excited about a normal day tomorrow.  A normal work day, leave from here, come back to here.  Went to the pool with Zach when we got back here today, I'm sure he's excited about the eye candy.  I would be if I were him, lots of cuties.

I made a meatloaf tonight.  Actual first meal I have cooked in the apartment.  Yeah...I love cooking.  LOVE it.  Wendy (cousin) made a desert the other day - - - OMG it was a crescent role cheese cake thing...I'm so making it soon.  It was fabulous.

There was a parent today that I watched correct her child in a way that I never would.  I always wonder how people act behind closed doors if they are almost abusive in public.  I try to give the benefit of the doubt and hope they just lost it for a minute.  We're all human after all.  My kids are pretty spoiled and I get that, but I guess I think of them as little friends and well people in general.  They've always been really good kids overall though.

Love. . . I love you

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Build me an app to do that. . . Pls. .

Sixteen years ago today, I lost one of my best friends.  We were babies together and grew up together.  We learned so many things at the same time.  Forever, you will be missed and loved.  You taught me how to handle loss at a young age, and how to love and how to show it.  I promise you that I'll not lose another person in my life without telling them exactly how I feel about them and words are cheap, I'll show them too. Thanks Shawn, for being who you were to me.

How did I ever like regular mountain dew?..I accidentally hit that button today instead of the diet, and YUCK...Way too sweet for me now, sometimes even the diet seems too sweet.  Funny how tastes change so much.  I remember when I didn't like bleu cheese, what a crazy thing.

At one point today I wondered "if I close my eyes hard enough, will you disappear."  i tried for good measure, but nope..didn't work.

Today - I decided that I really like Matt Nathanson.  I shazamed a song; I do that quite a bit, and downloaded the whole album.  Wow!  I love when i stumble on something great. There is a song "Bottom of the Sea" - - - I love it. I'm not even sure what genre he is.  I don't even care; just love him.  Has a pure sound and he somehow seems to speak to me.  Isn't interesting when you are starting to get tired of listening to music/books there is something that sparks your interest?  I was feeling tired of all the old and needed something new and fresh..found it.

OH yeah...I want my key to be my phone.  Can someone please make that happen for me?  The push button car feature is nice, but I don't want to carry any keys at all, only my phone.  I want it to unlock my doors and start my car.  (and no..that app doesn't exist yet - - - so build it)

Monday, May 27, 2013

mustard. . .

I've had a few moments today when I wished I were a boy.  Boys really don't even know how lucky they have it.  It's been a very productive weekend, and I wish I had more to say, but I don't.  Spent a lot of today with family enjoying lots of good food and good laughs.

Momma got me an Orchid...she knows me so well..Now I'm relaxing watching Safe Haven. Feels like this weekend has been a Go Go Go one.  Didn't it turn out so nice today?  I know..right..didn't expect that this morning..but bammm...beautiful..

Thankful for so many wonderful people in my life.  I am very very happy to know and love you all.


Sunday, May 26, 2013


Sometimes people ask me, "who's in that movie?" and so often I have no idea who actors and actresses are.. Unless of course they meant something special to me for some reason or another.

I love listening to Zach and friends laugh and have a good time. I think it's great when he's having so much fun.

I got a kick out of Amazon recommendations of music for me today.. It is trying so hard to figure me out, but I think I just have too big of a mix for that. The Bee Gees are on the top of the recommendation list right now.. Haha

Happy Sunday.. Love to you all.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Still Saturday...

Been a long day.. Long long.. Not bad just exhausted.

Will blog more tomorrow.

Hope everyone had a fantastic day.

Friday, May 24, 2013

Nostalgia . . .

When I first looked at this house, I had a kidney stone that I hadn't passed (it'd been like a week of pain meds) anyway I was tired of feeling couped up so it was my bright idea to go house shopping.  There was this interesting room off of the back bathroom that had psychedelic old carpet.  I remember my mom's reaction when I said, "this is the one."  She laughed because she was sure I was joking.  Honestly that back room was my reason for wanting the house.  It needed a LOT of love and care, but that one room was so different.  Well. . . why all this thinking . . . because tomorrow I will leave my "I am woman; hear me roar" house.  As I remember what it used to be like when I moved in here though, I am proud and a little sad to be leaving it.  I'm sure that will only be until we get into the apartment though.

Nice outside, huh...I have a new favorite tv show's "nothing but trailers" - what a great show, silly kinda cuz it's only movie trailers, but I like it.  I can't wait to see "The Internship"  That movie looks hilarious, plus it's GOOGLE..and to me...most of you know my feelings about Google..LOVE me some google..

Why do you only see white people with Blue eyes?  Maybe I'm wrong, if I am...tell me..but also you could tell me why I only notice that white people have them.

OK - enuf of all this..happy friday..

Love you all..xoxo..

millions & infinity

Thursday, May 23, 2013

My Utopia. . .

Finished Delirium today. Yeah, I liked it enough to go ahead and get the other two books in the trilogy. I'm a sucker for the type Utopian and dystopian fiction books.  I love how this society believes that eliminating strong emotion makes people somehow better than those that feel.

Do you wonder what it would be like to have no emotion?  There have been times that I wished I were a man so I could think or feel less.  Plus men have it so easy, really.  No monthly anything and no babies and well, they get to be detached if they want...and yeah..I'm told that men don't usually "thought jump" like women do, and boy it would be good sometimes to get my brain to not think so much. It has been my experience that men can just take it or leave it in most situations.  I think that'd be an awesome thing to try for a few days.

My phone decided today to not inform me when I got email.  Just all of the sudden and for no reason.  I went to the settings and sync was miraculously turned off.  How does that happen?  I didn't turn it off, and I'm pretty sure no one else has been messing with it.  I figure he knew I didn't want to know and thought I needed a break.  Yes, everything I own is a boy.  EVERYTHING.

Guess what - - Tomorrow is my last day as a resident of Lebanon.

Ending with a little Elton John - "And you can tell everybody this is your song..It may be quite simple, but now that it's done. . . I hope you don't mind..I hope you don't mind that I put down in words. . . How won-der-ful life is while you're in the world. . "   My life is surely enhanced by knowing and loving you.  Thanks for that.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Read at your own risk. . .

Have you ever had a day where you think a sharp stick in the eye would have maybe been better?  Yeah..that was today for me.  Coming from a girl who has had MANY eye surgeries, I'm telling you, that means something.  I tried to remain positive (only had one little fleeting feeling where I felt like I couldn't breathe).  So many things to do, it's a crazy busy place sometimes.  It seems like on the days it rains, it really rains hard.  Makes the day go by quickly, but sometimes not a good thing.  I think it's funny how one day, from an IT standpoint, you're awesome, and then next you're under someone's shoe.  People never cease to amaze me.  Actually it's usually women that never cease to amaze me.  Men, most generally, live it and forget it.  Women tend to hold the most horrible crazy grudges that they never forget.  And yes, I can say all of this, because I am a woman.  Every now and though tho, you find a guy who is just as bad, which is interesting.

I kept telling myself today because of how I felt when the day started, that it was going to look up from there, and you know what, it never did.  I even did my stare at the mirror today and said, "You're good enough, you're smart enough. . . and gosh darnnit people like you."  Didn't help.  It continued to plummet along and take me with it.  I think laughing helps, what else can you do.

So I need a crash course ---- a real crash course (friends this is my hand extending to you) --- in EDI. I have to say..I have no frigging clue...I'm trying but I swear those people at Epicor are getting quite tired of my EDI calls.  Any help would be GREATLY appreciated..850, 865 8..whatever..whatever..whateva...

Only one moment when I wanted to high five someone's face with a brick today, and she would have deserved it.  Yes, HIGH FIVE FACE BRICK..(thanks sis)..No I do not have anger management problems. ;)

At the apartment now - last night here without furniture   Woot!  So see, things are looking up, and the drive was only about 40 minutes, but I had to get gas. That is a fabulishous feeling.  2 more days, and Greenwood will be home.  hmm....

Tomorrow is going to be GREAT, cuz i say so.  Love you all, especially those who keep coming back for more of my insanity.  Blog ideas are still welcome...I promise I will cover any crazy topic you want..

xoxo... Infinity and Millions..

Monday, May 20, 2013

Back in the day...

There are times I have trouble remembering things. I'm not sure why this happens, I really wasn't a druggie or heavy drinker. I used to think it was my mind getting rid of the unimportant stuff to make room for the stuff that really meant something, but that can't be it. Some of the memories I hold on to are truly junk, but I've had my friend Jami say.. "remember when we..." and it was something I should remember but really don't. Then I thought maybe I got rid of some of the more painful ones, but once I met up with this old high school friend that told me some stories that apparently I was a big part of, but I had no memory at all. (again stuff I should have remembered) Maybe though since I have always led a very busy life, there was always so much stuff going on, my mind had overload. I think of it like a computer that sometimes I need to reboot, but when it comes back up there are some holes or data corruption in some of the files.

Anyway one of my favorite times in my life was when I worked at the Strand theater in Crawfordsville. Strange how I hold onto so many memories from that time frame. Learning to thread old projectors and splice movies; it's something I've never used since or probably will ever use again, but it was so cool to be in control of that place. I am not sure why this was on my mind, but it was.

Today.. Overall a decent day..
Been listening to a new book on the way back and forth (part of the way.. Can't stick to one thing both ways) anyway it's called Delirium.. About a society without love. The cure for feelings and how a girl figures out that it's not a disease after all. I kinda like it. Not as much as I liked Lifehouse today., but yeah..

So.. Hope I made you smile today with my uber nerdy referral to a computer system and my brain... Lots of love.

Xoxo.. Millions.. Infinity

Sunday, May 19, 2013


Oh my I have nothing to say.
Blog topics aren't coming so easily today.
Been a productive day.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Winds of change

Tomorrow has changed how I feel about today
Thinking about what it will be like
Already missing this day
Already missing this place

I see your confidence and waiver
It's nice to breathe you in
Refreshing like a glass of ice water on the hot days.

The what ifs aren't that scary
The wind blows and I feel the calm sneak in
Happiness is in that wind and that is something consistent

Everything is so fluid
Always changing
But always interesting
Faith and love

Gonna wrap it up mostly tomorrow. Sounds like I'm sleeping on the couch again.. Snore snore..
Love to all

Friday, May 17, 2013

You are so...

I think it's important above all to try to be as honest as you can with yourself. Let's face it, we all at some time or another try to push ourselves to believe something that isn't true or maybe not right because you don't feel like you should or it wouldn't be widely accepted.

It's a difficult thing sometimes to decide that there is nothing wrong with who you are or what you're feeling when you feel pushed in a different direction.

I am not winning many parenting awards, but if there are two things I hope my kids learn from me, they are... Be yourself always and true to yourself first... And love with your whole heart, even if it gets broken a lot.

Message to the girl that means more to me than any other in the world: I'm not always there to hug you and say it's gonna be okay, but I promise everything will be. It used to bug me when Gary would say this, but there is no other way it can be. And isn't that really so true. You just Be you and hold tight to that. You're fabulous just the way you are.--millions and millions