Monday, April 23, 2012

Know that I love you. . .

Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of presenting emotions such as angerresentment, inadequacy, helplessness anddisgust. It is not to be confused with envy.
Jealousy is a familiar experience in human relationships. It has been observed in infants five months and older.[1][2][3][4] Some claim that jealousy is seen in every culture;[5][6][7]however, others claim jealousy is a culture-specific phenomenon. - wikipedia

Love is an emotion of a strong affection and personal attachment.[1] Love is also a virtue representing all of human kindnesscompassion, and affection; and "the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another".[2] Love may also be described as actions towards others or oneself based on compassion, or as actions towards others based on affection.[3] - Wikipedia

Coercion (play /kˈɜrʃən/) is the practice of forcing another party to behave in an involuntary manner (whether through action or inaction) by use of threats or intimidation or some other form of pressure or force. In law, coercion is codified as the duress crime. Such actions are used as leverage, to force the victim to act in the desired way. Coercion may involve the actual infliction of physical pain/injury or psychological harm in order to enhance the credibility of a threat. The threat of further harm may lead to the cooperation or obedience of the person being coerced. Torture is one of the most extreme examples of coercion i.e. severe pain is inflicted until the victim provides the desired information. - Wikipedia

Manipulators have possible motivations, including:[1]
  • the need to advance their own purposes and personal gain at virtually any cost to others,
  • a strong need to attain feelings of power and superiority in relationships with others,
  • a want and need to feel in control (aka. control freakery),
  • and gaining a feeling of power over others in order to raise self-esteem. - Again Wikipedia

Bullying is a form of aggressive behavior manifested by the use of force or coercion to affect others, particularly when the behavior is habitual and involves an imbalance of power. It can include verbal harassment, physical assault or coercion and may be directed repeatedly towards particular victims, perhaps on grounds of racereligion,gendersexuality, or ability.[2][3] The "imbalance of power" may be social power and/or physical power. The victim of bullying is sometimes referred to as a "target".
Bullying consists of three basic types of abuse – emotionalverbal, and physical. It typically involves subtle methods of coercion such as intimidation. Bullying can be defined in many different ways. The UK currently has no legal definition of bullying,[4] while some U.S. states have laws against it.[5] - Wikipedia

The defining characteristics of pseudologia fantastica are:
  1. The stories told are not entirely improbable and often have some element of truth. They are not a manifestation of delusion or some broader type of psychosis: upon confrontation, the teller can admit them to be untrue, even if unwillingly.
  2. The fabricative tendency is long lasting; it is not provoked by the immediate situation or social pressure as much as it is an innate trait of the personality.
  3. A definitely internal, not an external, motive for the behavior can be discerned clinically: e.g. long lasting extortion or habitual spousal battery might cause a person to lie repeatedly, without the lying being a pathological symptom.[2]
  4. The stories told tend toward presenting the liar favorably. For example, the person might be presented as being fantastically brave, knowing or being related to many famous people.
Pseudologia fantastica may also present as false memory syndrome, where the sufferer genuinely believes that fictitious events have taken place, regardless that these events are fantasies. The sufferer may believe that he or she has committed superhuman acts of altruism and love or has committed equally grandiose acts of diabolical evil, for which the sufferer must atone, or has already atoned for in her/his fantasies.

What is the reason for this blog?  Why the definitions? 

Please love each other.  Be kind, be fair, and be honest.


Friday, April 20, 2012

Honking Fools....Really? Chillaxe people..

I believe cars need to be made with NO freakin' horns.  Seriously, this message is to all the people in Lebanon.  I am so sick of your stupid car attitudes.  Grow up.  When I pull out and clearly you were not going to run into me, don't honk you damn horn at me.  Also, if I'm stopped at a stop sign trying to pull out on 39 at 5pm and there are cars both ways, I WILL pull out when I want to, not when you want me to, so shut the freak up.  I do not like the horn honking that takes place there, what the hell are so many people worried about.  If you are that concerned about being somewhere on time then leave earlier.  Geezzz...or or how about you just don't freak out about DUMB stuff.  Chillaxe people.  Really.......

This is part of the reason I like California way more than Indiana.  I'm not sure what makes a culture think they have to be in this huge hurry, but it's going to end up killing people, so slow down and stop being so concerned about driving fast and getting there quickly.  Enjoy life, enjoy the scene, enjoy your drive and leave me the hell alone.  If you can't enjoy that's fine, but you do NOT have to ruin everyone elses day.  When you honk at me, or anyone else, you just look like a jackass, so stop it.

Also, you do not have to race me to get into the McDonald's line.  They now have two lanes, and your racing doesn't do anything...I'll gladly let your dumb ass in front of me, so stop it.  Yeah, I'm serious people, it's FRIDAY and I like taking at easy, and smiling and waving and having a laid back time of things.  Why can't we all just be...BE....calm will be okay...Unless I have to punch you in the damn neck for pissing me off.  I have had a busy crazy week, and I don't feel like messing with your stupid honking ass on a Friday morning.  GOT it...

Thank you

Monday, April 16, 2012

This too shall pass. . .

So we had the memorial for my wonderful Grandfather.  (The best guy ever, might I add)  My uncle Terry read a wonderful poem that I thought I'd share.

by Theodre Tilton

This Too Shall Pass Away

Once in Persia reigned a King,
Who upon his signet ring

Graved a maxim true and wise,

Which, if held before his eyes,

Gave him counsel at a glance,

Fit for every change and chance.

Solemn words, and these are they;

"Even this shall pass away."

Trains of camels through the sand

Brought him gems from Samarcand;

Fleets of galleys through the seas

Brought him pearls to match with these;

But he counted not his gain,

Treasures of mine or main;

"What is wealth?" the king would say;

"Even this shall pass away."

Mid the revels of his court,

At the zenith of his sport,

When the palms of all his guests,

Burned with clapping at his jests,

He, amid his figs and wine;

Cried, 'O loving friends of mine;

Pleasures come, but not to stay;

"Even this shall pass away"

Lady, fairest ever seen,

Was the bride he crowned his queen.

Pillowed on his marriage bed,

Softly to his soul he said:

Though no bridegroom ever passed;

Fairer bosom to his breast,

Mortal flesh must come to clay-

"Even this shall pass away"

Fighting on a furious field,

Once a javelin pierced his shield;

Soldiers, with a loud lament,

Bore him bleeding to his tent.

Groaning from his tortured side,

"Pain is hard to bear," he cried;

"But with patience, day by day,

Even this shall pass away.

Towering in the public square,

Twenty cubits in the air,

Rose his statue carved in stone.

Then the king, disguised, unknown,

Stood before his sculptured name,

Musing meekly: "What is fame?"

Fame is but a slow decay;

Even this shall pass away.

Struck with palsy, sore and old,

Waiting at the Gates of Gold,

Said he with his dying breath,

"Life is done, but what is death?"

Then, in answer to the king,

Fell a sun beam on his ring,

"Even this shall pass away."

I do really like that poem...but while I was looking for it today, I also found this one..

This Too Shall Pass

If I can endure for this minute
Whatever is happening to me,
No matter how heavy my heart is
Or how dark the moment may be-

If I can remain calm and quiet
With all the world crashing about me,
Secure in the knowledge God loves me
When everyone else seems to doubt me-

If I can but keep on believing
What I know in my heart to be true,
That darkness will fade with the morning
And that this will pass away, too-

Then nothing in life can defeat me
For as long as this knowledge remains
I can suffer whatever is happening
For I know God will break all of the chains

That are binding me tight in the darkness
And trying to fill me with fear-
For there is no night without dawning
And I know that my morning is near.

...Helen Steiner Rice 

I'm kinda publishing this for my family.  In case they want them, but this is true for everything.  Today is just a moment.  Tomorrow is just a moment.  Enjoy it all and realize that whatever happens today, it will be over shortly and the next big thing will be upon us.
The last 10 years or so for me has been a little hazy at times with my beliefs.  I have had a hard time deciding that I could truly believe that my God would do anything negative against humanity and against his children.  By negative I mean, Hell is such a scary thing...I am publicly announcing that I do not believe in Hell.  I believe in God and I believe in Jesus, but I believe that as a father, there is no way that my God would damn anyone to a place so horrible as Hell.  I know that people are going to shun me for my beliefs, and I don't even care.  I love my son...and he does wrong things all the time, but it doesn't matter what he does...I would never ever EVER cast him into a burning fiery pit to suffer for eternity. I think that the Bible is full of things like the Leviathan that are there to be metaphors or meant to scare you straight.  It's not like I'm saying I don't believe in all of it, just that why would some things be described as a dragon and that be a metaphor without other things.  I do think people are punished for their behaviors while we're growing here on earth, but to say that my Father would send me to a place where he'd never know me again, I think is a stretch.    
There are probably a lot of people who are going to think this blog is ridiculous, and to those of you that feel that way, I'm sorry.  I think the most important thing to do while we're here on this earth is to love and learn.   If we spend each day, trying to love all of those around us, we'll be just fine.  I also do consider myself a Christian with a relationship with my God, so if you disagree with me that is fine, and if you want to judge me, that is fine too.  I won't judge you though, because that is not my place. 

Love yas

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

My beautiful car and today's feelings....

Okay so my car is not just any Altima - He's a 3.5 liter V6 and honestly, look around, they're hard to come by.  I love him so much.  So this is gonna sound weird, but I've felt a bit depressed lately, but driving my car makes me feel a little better.

Yeah, you didn't think this blog was totally gonna be about my car did you?

So, I got on a soapbox yesterday, and I'm a little sorry for that.  Not totally because I think everyone needs to hear it.  It has been a long time, since I've had a sinus cold, but definitely lately there is a cold a brewin'.

I know that feeling all of the sadness to the fullest is what makes me who I am.  It shapes a person into what we are to feel our feelings and grow from them.  It is okay that I'm sad.  It's okay that you're sad for me.  This is what makes us who we are.  Everyday feels a little bit better, and every day makes me think I have things figured out just a fraction more than the day before.  We will never be complete; we're always growing and changing.  For now, I need to just be happy in the skin I have.  Usually this is not a problem for me, but sometimes I waiver and feel confused.  This doesn't mean that today, I'm just forgetting how I felt yesterday, it just means that I've been upset with myself for feeling something that I should NOT be upset about.  I love and I care about people, and I recently lost one of the people that I loved more than most.  It's okay to mourn this for a long time, but I need to feel it and let it go.  I can't change what happened, and I can't make anyone else's hurt go away either.  I can only love.  "I love me, too"

Gary - I love you more than I can even tell you.  I know that we're human and we make mistakes, but know that I have never and will never love another man like I love you.  Thank you for being there for me through the crazy times (I know...I know...I'm all crazy, but I'm crazy about you too).

Now on to something else. . . .
I'm not sure if I have allergies or a cold, but I started thinking on my way in to work today..
Why do so many people have allergies?  When I was a kid I didn't hear about that so much.  Is something changing to make things worse, and I didn't even use to have allergies myself, but now I'm sure I have a few.  Why is that?

Another a bunch more Android's to add to my collection.  I'll take a picture and post it later.

Love you all..
"I love me, too"  (for anyone who doesn't get that..ask about it if you want..everyone else..hope it makes you smile).

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

STOP being Stupid!

I'm not sure how long I can feel like this.  I get that it's my choice, but just when I choose to be happy, I hear something that reverts me back to not happy.  Anyway, I don't feel like smiling or being happy.  I feel like crying and being sad.  I do have to say this...So many people are just plain STUPID.

Maybe it's easier for me to think this way, but really I just listen to people or hear something someone has said, and I think why do you have to be like that.  What is wrong with you?  Did your momma drop you on your head?  Right now, that's about the only thing that makes me smile, my own internal thoughts.  I know that I'm bitter and upset and a little concerned that depression is setting in. Now know this too, I can think you're stupid and still find love in my heart for you.  People really do not think about the reality of the situation.  We live, and then we die.  What matters is what happens to those you leave behind.  How do you impact those people?  We do not have to live with so much hate in our hearts.  We do not have to hate at all.  BTW..I can think you're stupid and not have any bad feelings toward you at all.

Some people think it's okay to start rumors or to hurt people, and I just don't get that.  I don't get at all why one person would want to maliciously hurt another.  Do you really not have enough to do in your life or excitement in your life that you think it's okay to hurt another person?  Would you want that person to do or say that of you?  Seriously, why is the golden rule so hard for people to follow?  If you wouldn't be okay if someone did or said something about you, then don't do or say something about them?  I really do NOT understand how we all got so damn screwed up.  The only thing that matters on this earth, is our relationships with others.  The only thing that matters is the love you have and feel.  Gosh DARN it people...Love each other before it's too late.  Let people grieve in peace and just show compassion and love.

I know a lot of people are gonna read this, and they're going to wonder what I'm talking about or who.  Well stop wondering.  I'm talking about you.  Make someone happy today. Tell them you love them and hold them dear.  Make your life happy and fruitful without having to hurt anyone.  Stop being Stupid.

Love to all

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Been kinda emotional lately. . .

Been a really strange weekend.  I'm been horribly emotional, thus, I'm exhausted.  It was so so nice to have Jenn here and for her to bring Lexi with.  I enjoyed them both very much.  I can not believe how much a person can cry about someone being gone, even when you knew it would happen eventually.  Guess it's easier knowing that he's at peace and I never ever will question that he knew how much I loved him...Back when Shawn died I worried all the time that he didn't know what he meant to me.  He died so suddenly and left me hanging.  I mean really, he and I were supposed to grow old living beside each other.  I did vow with him that no one would ever not know how I feel about them again.  This is why I am free with feelings a lot.  I don't want things left unsaid.  I don't want you to be snuffed out tomorrow and me to think, "I wish I would've told her..."  It's amazing though, how I still look at things and think "the sky is so blue today, pa  you're missing it.." I've been gathering songs of his to use for the memorial and pictures of course, but I have about a billion of those.  I think I have as many pictures of him as I have of Zach, which is sorta weird.
I don't know why I loved that dude so much, but driving today I was thinking of a story he recently shared with me.  He and I shared a love for the mountains...Yeah mountains, I love them...LOVE them..He told me about the reason he didn't want to live by the beach in CA.  He and Grandma and Terry and my dad were at Long Beach and enjoying a nice day, when grandpa saw a wall of water moving their way.  He said they barely had time to climb up to the street level before a ginormous wave hit.  The wave brought in a sail boat that it left in the middle of road.  They soon after that built the break island thing.  Anyway after that he said he never wanted to live near the coast but rather somewhere where he could clearly see mountain tops with snow caps.  I loved that man so terribly much.  He was a fantastic guy, and I have so many memories to hold on to forever. That story made me think of the story he told me about his car sinking in a sink hole in Danville years ago and him and grandma not being able to get out for a long time.  Sometimes it was hard with him to tell if he was bullshitting or being truthful, but these were true stories.
Anyway..Tomorrow..I will smile more, and I will have less time to think about all the reasons that my life will never be the same.  Hopefully that's is pretty freakin' quite right now.

I really enjoyed spending time with Anna and Taylor this weekend.  They are fantastic kids.  I also loved spending time with Roy, Sarah, Lucy, Nanette, Will, Kate, my Momma, Tommy, Gary and my kids on Saturday.   Also enjoyed breakfast today with my family..and Lunch with Nik, Kenny, Tommy and Kids...Did have plenty of family time.  sorry for the emotions that went with the weekend for me.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Mixed feelings today. . .

I woke up to a call from my Dad today.  Sad news followed.  On the other hand, I'm sad to see the suffering end.  I'm also glad to be spending this time this weekend with family.  My grandpa was a private man, and my memories of him will for the most part not be mentioned in this blog.  I will never love another person on earth the way I loved him.  I will forever be saddened by the loss of him, but I know he's with gma and that their reunion was probably one for the record books.  I've had moments today of intense sadness and then moments of talking myself out of the sadness.  When someone close dies, it changes the dynamics of your life.  I have a feeling I will never get used to the feeling or hole in the heart that it leaves behind.

On a positive note, out of the blue, Jenn changed her mind about coming here this weekend, so she's on her way...and Anna and Taylor and Tommy will be here tonight and. . . . Lucy's birthday party is tomorrow..So Roy and Sarah and Lucy and Sarah's family, and hopefully Dad and Mom...Zach is home and we've spent a nice day together so far, and Gary's been there to hug a few times.  It'll all be okay, as everything always is..

So many memories...I will share one of the greatest things I've ever been told by any person on this vast earth..."I always wanted a daughter...then I had your Mom and Lisa, and they fought too much...they weren't as easy as the boys...but then I got you..."  My grandpa loved me a lot and I felt it all the time.  My eyes are filling with tears again and I can't help it.

To my father - I know sometimes we don't see eye to eye on some things.  I know that I've not been the easiest child or adult to live with.  I do love you very much, and I'll hug you whenever you have time.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

App Review

Okay - so...

I have found a few new apps that I really like.

Draw Something.  It is so fun to watch how another person's mind works.  I have laughed hard a few times...thanks Tyler.

I really have been getting into the Aqua Pets thing again thanks to Jenn.  I like how you can have friends now and gift them stuff each day.  Kinda cool.

I lately have been playing games like the Success Story and Stand O'Food.

Oh yeah, and Angry Birds Space is pretty neat.  I like zero gravity.

Okay on to something else that was interesting for me today.
Tommy - This one is for you.

My kid and I have been texting today, since he's bored.  Anyway, I was telling him that Anna and Taylor were coming to spend the night tomorrow, which he's excited about.  He asks this "So, is Tommy like my step-brother kinda?"  I said, "well yeah kinda, but we don't really use labels right?"  He says, "yeah, but does that make Anna and Taylor like my niece and nefew?"  I said, "Well I guess sorta"  He says, "Good, cuz I want them to be like that."  I said, "okay well they are as much as Ashley and Chesley (my step-sistas) are your aunts"  Which I got a "lol that's funny" to.  Anyway Tommy - I hope you're cool with my answers to those questions.  And, I'm glad he loves you and the kids.  No doubt he was trying to explain to one of his friends at his daycare thing (that's where Brian has him this week) who you and the kids were in his life.

This again gets me thinking about the labels though.  We are such an interesting society.  Everything is how someone is related to you...even if it's a friend, or co-worker or whatever..why can't someone just be a name? I've just been thinking about it for about a hour now, which is sorta weird..but anyone that knows me, knows that this is by far not the weirdest thought I've had in the last few weeks.  When I introduce Gary, sometimes I say, "my husband, Gary" or "my significant other, Gary"...when I differentiate between the Gary that works for me and my Gary I say..obviously "my Gary".  I would like to just start trying to use names and see how that goes for a while.  So.."this is Gary"...with no explanation of who he is to me..  Wonder how that'll work.

About a year ago, Zach called me all upset because his "girlfriend" was told by her mother that she had to "break up" with him.  I explained to him that "girlfriend" was just a title and so what was going to change between them.  They were still going to sit together at lunch and they were still friends, so . . . he didn't need to call her "girl friend" but she could still be that to him.  He loved that explanation and we went on.  It would be great if we could all just BE..or maybe this is too far out there of a concept.  I'm not saying that I want anything in my life to change, just it seems to me that everyone is searching for relationships all over the place.  I don't know..maybe I'm totally over thinking this.  I've been known to do that.

Love ya all...Jess

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Random stuff

Well check one off the bucket list. . . .
I have been punched now, three times...and while I'm a little bruised, I am totally good with it.

I really don't have a desire to be punched again, but I don't think I'm completely against it either.  Maybe I'll take up boxing. I have been trying to decide which thing I want to obsess over next.

People are really funny.  The interpretation of how things happen and the ways you can act with one person, are clearly not the same for each person.

I am so excited for this upcoming weekend.  I get to spend some time with the Neo's grandkids and son.  Also, it's Lucy's birthday party (she turns one tomorrow).  I was hoping to have some Jenn time, too, but a no go..which is okay, I'll see her in a few weekends.  I miss David and Jenn so badly sometimes.  I remember so many kid things and so many hugs and kisses..and now..the time is so spread out between that I get to see and hug and kiss them...Feels like I had too much empty nest to early in life.. I should be completely ready for Zach to move out someday, but I may just hang on to him forever.  Zach's been with his dad this week, and I miss him horribly too.  He's been texting a lot though; I think he misses me too.  He comes home Friday, too, so this weekend should be great.

I can not wait to get the Ice Cream Sandwich update on my phone.  Hurry up already.