Sunday, June 30, 2013

Giving...Forgiveness. . .

So a question was posed today?  How should you treat co-workers and those that you may see begging for money along side of the road...?  Well, I guess because I have heard and thought about how many times people may be just begging as a living, it has been a long time since I have handed money or anything out my window...Honestly, I just assume that they are better off then they are letting on..Honestly I just think, why aren't you doing something different.  Now though, I guess I'm thinking I was wrong and that was very judgmental of me.  It's not my place to decide whether someone really needs the help or not, it's my job to do my best to give of myself to everyone and know that I won't be judged badly for it in the long run.  How far from being one of those people are any of us anyway?  As far as co-workers, most of you know me personally.  What you might not know is that in the last 6 months, I have been tried this way.  I have been told who is "stupid", and who I should and shouldn't be friends with.  I have been told it would "be a bad idea" to go to lunch with certain people.  I have been told that "I was getting to close" to certain people, well...I like to form my own opinions, even if that means that I am pushed out for it.
People are fantastic most generally, even the rough ones, that seem like they are scorned.  People just need to feel loved and cared for, and why shouldn't everyone feel that way.  Treat others the way you want to be treated..that's not a religious thing, it fits, but it's just the way i wish we all felt.  Something funny tho, the person that kept telling me how "ignorant" and "stupid" people are is someone who goes to church on Sundays and Wednesdays and acts like he's a real "Christian" (not that he isn't a Christian that also does bad things, but geezz).. No offense, but "Christianity" has a bad name, and honestly, this kind of thing is why.  I am not a great person or a great "Christian", I just try hard to make sure that love is at the forefront of my life.  I have made mistakes; I make mistakes daily, but I hope that if you know me you know where I am going with this.  I know along the way, I have screwed up some relationships, and I'm sorry for that.  I have trouble with thinking before I speak at times, and well, I know that I can say things and make you think too much about them later.  I apologize to anyone that I have hurt or upset or pissed off or whatever...and yes, that even goes to those people that I don't get along so well with.  I'm working on forgiveness.  I feel like not forgiving is wasting emotion and in turn, wasting time.  I don't want to waste time on something that means nothing in the long run.
I'll bet most of you know today's song.  The Beatles - another one of my favorites, said it best.
"There's nothing you can do that can't be done
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game
It's easy
There's nothing you can make that can't me made
No one you can save that can't be saved
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time
It's easy
All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need"

The love thing seems to be my broken record.  Oh well.. 
Have a great rest of your Sunday and start to your week.
Love - Jess
millions, infinity, xoxo

Saturday, June 29, 2013

My perfect storm. . .

Been a lazy day - watching the rain.  Nice temperature and nice sweet rain.  Get my boy back tomorrow and Jenn comes Tuesday - yay..
Interesting feelings today too...I guess it's good that I recognize all of them and not dwell.  
Today's lyrics are from one of my all time favorite artists - Andy Grammar...Yes...I'm not ashamed of him being one of my favorites..

"The glow that the sun gives
Right around sunset
Helps me realize
This is just a journey
Drop your worries
You are gonna turn out fine.
Oh, you'll turn out fine.
Fine, oh, you'll turn out fine."

It seems like every time I start to get a bad/sad/lonely feeling I hear this song.  It tells me that no matter what I need to keep my head up and keep going.  Pushing forward.  This is just a journey that we're on and no matter what happens we can only turn out okay.  In the long run, this day is just this day.   I just heard a line from A Perfect Storm - "Remember, I will always love you, never goodbye, just love" and I thought about how true that is. 

As Lucy grows older, and my kids get older and taller, I think of how short things are...How much time we waste being what we don't want to be and where we don't want to be and do what we don't want to do...why...why can't we be who we want and do what we want in this one lifetime.  I'm gonna try to do only what is right, but what I want to do ... and be where I want and around whom I want and  . . . so on..I'm going to try to do all this, but in my own time.  Also, I think I need a time machine, so if anyone has one, pls let me know.  And, I am still waiting on my vampire bite...again, if you know one and can send them my way -'ll be in my debt...

Love you all
millions and infinity xoxo

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Behind Blue Eyes. . .

You ever wonder why men wore/wear ties?  What ever made someone think that looked good?  I think a tie is kinda a weird tradition.
I think we do all kinds of stuff that is weird..Like necklaces ... ever notice that all women on the news wear necklaces..why?? and again..I don't watch the news but Gary does and I just noticed all this weird stuff.  Is it like a requirement that if you're going to be on TV you have to wear ties and necklaces?
So today is a beautiful day. I or do I not talk about my opinion on the same sex marriage thing???
Hmm..yes, I think so...I think marriage is a sham anyway.  I don't think the relationship itself is, but the idea of marriage is a traditional thing and the government wants to control so many aspects of our lives.  Maybe instead of making it legal for same sex to get married, we do away with marriage by the government standards all together and everything becomes a union between people and their own religions.  I do realize what getting married in the eyes of the government give a person, and I say why does it have to be that way?  Why does it matter to me that a person can insure their same sex partner and file taxes together?  People act like marriage gives a person so many benefits that they wouldn't get otherwise, but why is it that way?  Why do American's have to be married to get the benefits of Social Security and insurance - and the tax thing isn't a benefit really..?  I say we let anyone call whatever they want to call whatever they want to call it.  Of course, I am not a judgmental person.  - - Before anyone judges me for my thoughts...These are my thoughts and you're reading them.
Today - I'm feeling like sharing some lyrics from "The Who"
When my fist clenches, crack it open 
Before I use it and lose my cool 
When I smile, tell me some bad news 
Before I laugh and act like a fool 

And if I swallow anything evil 
Put your finger down my throat 
And if I shiver, please give me a blanket 
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat

I think for a while I'm going to share lyrics of my favorites...And for no reason necessarily other than I just want to.

Love you

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Pickles and Hugs...Hugs and pickles - what a combo

Today is one of those days when I'm thankful for things.  I'm thankful all days, but today I'm thankful for pickles.  I'm not sure who decided cucumbers in vinegar was a good idea, but I sure am happy they did.  I'm also thinking that there are two kinds of people in this world; those who like dill, and those who don't.  I can't remember anyone ever saying, well I like Dill kind of.  I did talk to someone today that said, "only the chips kind" but I think that is a mental thing.

I would like to know if you are a dill person or not.  I would like to know if you like tomatoes and olives and lemons.  That is one whole food group for me.  No joke actually.  We could add a few things like artichokes and jalapenos.  Those all fit into the same category for me.  FAVORITES.  What about you?  Do you like my favorites list?
I got to hug my baby again today.  That was nice.  He's such a good kid.  A good hug..a good hug is very very important to me.  Love is in hugs.  A while ago, a young girl I know hugged me, but it was that one-armed half hug thing, and I said, "Can I have a real hug now?".   She came back and I embraced her and said, "isn't that nicer" - she said, "yeah, that hug feels more like you love me."  And, I said, "yep, this is the way you should hug your momma, too."  Yeah, I do love her and so giving a good firm strong hug is important.  A friend once told me that I was a "patter" and I quit that, because that makes the hug feel somehow fake. Now every time I see her, she gives me a "real" hug.   When my kids were younger, they used to complain about their dad's hugs.  About how he gave them the half hug and it hurt their feelings.  I'm so glad that I know how to make people know my true feelings with a hug.  Hugs are really really important.
Give a HUG today.  A real one to someone you love.  You don't have to say, "I love you", just hug them tight and they'll know.  Now wrap your arms around you tight and know that is me hugging you; I think you should do this and send me vibes so that I can feel it..(haha..and now we'll hold a childrens show.. I need your help kids..hug me ... I get power from your - some of you will get that)

Love you..
millions - infinity

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Another zombie post..

Over the years.. Love has come and gone, friendships have come and gone, time has come and gone.. I think for sure I recognize what is important at this point. For sure what matters are those people and relationships that stand firm. Those people that love you through the heartache and support you even when you know you're being irrational. 
The last few weeks have gone by slowly for me, and honestly I am having trouble with self esteem a little. I know most people that know me don't think this is possible, but self worth is important and quite frankly, I am not gonna act like I feel totally worthy.
I consciously decided how I was going to handle everything, and that has been helpful. Not great and there are still moments when I feel myself falling. I am a pretty positive person and know that no matter what happens I am fine, but that doesn't stop the anxiety at times..
I cannot keep up this blog everyday, sorry tommy, but my life is simply not that amusing right now and neither are my thoughts. I do love you all and I will blog every couple days or when I have something interesting to say.

Went to see World War Z today. I liked it. Very much actually. I do believe those zombies were much scarier than the zombies on Walking Dead.  Brad Pitt.. Yeah I don't see the heart throb thing. He's not all that... I'll tell you what though, I've been listening to the book "Scarlet" it's the sequel to "Cinder".. There is a character in the book named Wolf and he's this rough, large, disturbed guy that is protective of Scarlet and I think I love him.. Think my favorite book character since Wade Watts.. My cars namesake.

Okay enough for today and yesterday.
Love.. Xoxo.. Infinity and millions..
9 days til CA.. Wonder if I'll even come back to Indiana this time.

Friday, June 21, 2013


So lately I've been on a tomato kick. I sure love everything about them. I'm thinking it's helping my waist line too, but I seriously have been getting excited about the idea of a tomato for lunch every day. It seems like every summer I go a little crazy about some fruit or veggie.. This summer is the tomato.. Last was pluots (plum/apricot).. Tomatoes are much better for you tho with very little sugar. I've said this before but dill pickles, olives and tomatoes, I am certain they are part of my heaven. Along with laguna Beach of course. It's weird because I know God made those things specifically for me. :)
In an hour or so my sweet baby girl will be here to swim with aunt jess and grandma Nanette and then we're all going to the Marion County fair tonight.
Zach will be back tomorrow;although, he's going straight to his dad's for another week, at least I'll get to hear his voice and text with him again. This week has made me an emotional basket case. I'm not sorry about any of it, but I know I've had some crazy thoughts and feelings. I can't wait for next weekend when I get to cuddle up next to him and watch a movie or something. I love that young man, and hope he has learned a lot on this trip.
Love to you all.
Xoxo.. Millions and infinity

Thursday, June 20, 2013


Today... Went to Lebanon to do some black box work.. Then went to see the most beautiful 2 year old I know, my niece.. And her wonderful beautiful smart grandma... Nanette is so good with her.. When she needed her diaper changed and aunt jess volunteered.. She said "and you can show aunt jess what you can do with shaving creme.." wow.. What a fantastic idea.. We made all kinds of stuff on that mirror..
I love Nanette..
Grandma's are so cool right..
Mom.. You know.. This is why zach is weird about you right..
Grandma's are wonderful..

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Inappropriate Swimwear. . .

Okay - So..I love going to pools.  I love to watch people.  You ever wonder if they look in the mirror at themselves before they decide to wear that suit?   I get that I am not skinny, and I'm good with it, but I also don't try to make people see more of the fat then they need to.  I seriously saw a woman today with a tattoo around her belly button, and maybe once when she was young and skinny it looked good, but now I just think "bad choice" when I see it looking like her belly button is a mouth.
On the other hand, I am kinda proud of women that don't care what anyone thinks.  I like how people are okay enough with themselves and confident enough to wear it; I just don't necessarily want to see it.

Happy Happy Happy.

Hope you're all having a great day.  Love you

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Good day

I never thought that I had anymore to give
Pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same

Yeah that's right.. Those are lyrics
Anyway, Today was an okay day with sheila tomorrow will be better... Pool was closed today, so we had to figure out our own thing, but we did good.
Small doesn't mean not good.. Nothing homemade in this post
Love you all

Monday, June 17, 2013

What is the meaning? . . .

What does it all mean?

Life is full of changes
full of happy and sad
to what do I owe this moment
How do I give back

I feel over the top
Happy to know Happy to see
Happy to feel my feelings
and elated to know the truth

It's good to know I'm not alone
It's good to feel your heart
I hope you know what you given to me
I hope you knew from the start

Freedom is an excellent feeling
Deciding what should come next
How do I decide what that next is
How do I feel all that is supposed to be felt.

Tomorrow is a new day
We'll see what it brings
I'll be here either way
There is no other way to be


Sunday, June 16, 2013

Air Guitar/Air Drums - Dorky . . .

It's amazing how sometimes things happen and you're like, no no no...and then given a few moments you're like...hmmm...okay maybe this is good..and then within a few days you can be like..yes that was a good thing..I love my life and my boys and my family.  Things will always be there to bring you down or to try to bring you down, but I think if you don't let them and you figure out how to rise above, you'll be that much better off.

Dad - I love you - Happy Father's day - it was great to see you for a bit today.

So at the concert last night (Tom Petty) and we had fantastic seats, but this dude next to Gary thought it was imperative that he played air drums and jumped around.  What a dork, and it wasn't just one song, it was the WHOLE night.  The two guys in front of me were playing air guitar too and I started thinking about how men/boys do this and I think it's so silly.  Especially when you don't play guitar or drums.  Girls do not think this looks cool (yes, I am speaking for the trees) - - we think it's okay to bob your head or dance a little but air whatevers...NO..that is not cool or cute..
Also, why do we still do the encore thing.  I've been to a lot of concerts, and that tradition I find funny.  We already know it's gonna happen even without screaming and beating on things (like the back of chairs - weirdo next to us).  I think they should just say - "Okay here's our encore - we're not coming back out to play you a few's our few more.." - - Probably not as fun I know..

Okay - this blog was a little more meaningful - Hey so I'm gonna work on getting a children's book illustrated soon, anyone ever publish a children's book.  Could use tips or whatever..

Saturday, June 15, 2013


So went to the Tom Petty concert and had fabulous seats. Very good time with very good company. Tomorrow morning early my boy leaves on his mission trip to Birmingham. I'm honestly nervous. Silly I know, but he's my baby. I know my blogs have sucked lately, but it's cuz I've just been trying to get them in. I know I'm late on this.
I'll try to come up with something meaningful on the next one.
Love you all

Friday, June 14, 2013


this is me saying..good night
it was a fabulous day and a fabulous night with spectacular people.

thanks to you..happy Friday night

xoxo..millions and infinity

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Green Trees

Tired tonight.
Not much to talk about. What a beautiful day.
Today was what I like to think of as a "happy place" sky. Hope everyone had a great day.
Love to you..

Wednesday, June 12, 2013


What to say.. What to say..
Why do penguins have wings? Why not arms? It seems like the wings really serve no actual purpose.
Had a great black box meeting tonight. I think it's amazing where we are now compared to last year.
Gary hates that I mention him in these, but it is really nice to have such a supportive man who really does know a lot about my internal mind. That is scary for him i bet sometimes. He probably knows as much as anyone can know about how my thoughts work. Maybe Jennifer might know me a little better since she is so similar in her thinking. Sorry I did that to you kid.
Got a call from my oldest today too.. It's so nice to be hearing from him so often lately. I love my kids so much.
When we were walking yesterday, I saw the ugliest bird. Wren maybe, but it was ugly and kinda creepy with a long neck and long legs. I'm not sure I've been creeped out by a bird before, but eewwee. The pond we walk around has ducks with baby ducks and they are cool to watch. I do like the wildlife.
Got to see Tommy for a few minutes tonight; love that man.

K.. Boring I know.. Love you all
Xoxo.. Infinity and millions

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Hugs . . .

Life is fantastic.  I am honestly so thankful for so much.  There are things that happen and sometimes you're like - - WHAT??? -- but then after a day or two you think, yeah..this could be really good.  I can't pretend like I know what tomorrow brings, but whatever it is...I'm sure it will be ok.  I mean how else can it be, right?

So..I want to tell you about my day..I woke up after a not so good nights sleep and decided I was going to go down to the pool and just relax today..well on my way I started looking for my purse, and it was no where..then I remembered that last night when we went out I had put it on the back of the chair and must've left it there.  I called them and they had it so headed over.  The nice girl gave me my purse and I felt like a boulder had lifted and then once I was going down the road, I noticed - no wallet.  ... urge - this meant that today was going to be a day of recovery from credit cards to bank cards ... and so on..Well.. I called her back hoping and she said she did have it I turned around and went back to get today was going to be bad, but ended up being not bad at all..oh yeah and then i dropped my brand new phone at the pool, but ... at least i have insurance..why am i telling you all this..well - I have decided that I am going to stay positive and try to just pray and let things take me where they will.  It will be nice not having someone trying to bring me down or talking bad about others every freaking day.

I have a couple really good friends that I met in my short time at Ryobi and I'll cherish them forever, but overall not a good experience.  I'm ready to figure out what will happen next.  Thanks to all that love me.  I do love you too..

HUGS..xoxo..millions and infinity..

Monday, June 10, 2013

This is for you...

I know there are a few of you anxiously awaiting my words tonight. To this all I can say is hold true to what you believe is right. I know the real reasons and believe whole heartedly in karma. Sad. I do not have to be in power to make people my friends. I can have them honestly, and I believe it's sad that others have to do this with paychecks. But then leaders are people that have charisma and get people to follow them using things other than brute.
It is amazing to me how many people act like others are stupid because they live in different areas of existence.  Words alone Do NOT make you intelligent.
I have recently been pushed to believe that because people didn't want a system FORCED on them that they are somehow.. What's the word.. Oh let's see ignorant, retarded and stupid..
We'll this is what is I think.. Those people know their business much more than some guy that never even visits the floor. I have friends and you know who you are.. Thank you for being great.
I couldn't join the "club"  and that was the end of me.. We all know the truth about what's going on there.  Eventually everyone gets what's coming to them..
My friends, You all know I was not happy in that environment anyway.  To you all.. I love you.. Yes.. Got that... I love you and to those that didn't like that.. Blah.. Get over it.. I'm not that easily controlled, but thankfully for you.. You have someone that is.

Enuf tonight.. Millions and infinity xoxo

Sunday, June 9, 2013

diet dew.. .

Why would restaurants have mountain dew but no diet dew...seriously??  Got to spend time again with Roy, Sarah and Luce today.  I love warm happy days.  Zach's been gone no time at all and I'm missing him.  Getting ready to watch some Identity Thief and relax.  Dude she punches the bar tender in the throat - which is what I always say "I'm gonna punch you in the neck" - and yes, it did give the reaction I expected..Funny..

It's been a happy Sunday - hopefully that way for all.  I know - I can't be entertaining all the time..Sometimes, I'm just plain boring..

Love you
millions infinity.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

ants - - eewwwee....

Good day with family and food.  Summer is such a great time for grilling and cookouts and walks and hikes and ants.  Okay so..when I was 4 or 5 we went to Texas and mom picked me up outta the car and stood me in a fire ant hill.  I was wearing pants so they traveled up my pants and bit me a bunch until mom realized I wasn't just squirming.  Well I feel so lucky because much of the same happened today.  I got out of the car, got stuff outta the back and then thought my jeans were poking me in weird spots,.... was a bunch of ants and they were about creepy - and people don't understand why I don't like things with more than 2 legs...well that's the reason..lots of ants died today..but not before they made me a little miserable.

I'm all about enjoying whatever season we're in, except for really cold winter - not sure what kinda weirdo enjoys that. I think that Fall and Spring are mostly my favorites, but the weather lately has be fantastic for summer in Indiana.
Not a long blog, but I'm exhausted today.

Love to all
millions and infinity..

Friday, June 7, 2013

Little details...

What makes one person different than another?  
I think most of who I am was formed pretty early on.  My parents were really great at letting me express myself and be opinionated.  I remember always being asked what I wanted to eat and what clothing I'd like and so on.  My childhood was not all roses and butterflies, but there were a lot of good things that happened to go along with the bad.  My parents were a good combination to learn from, even if they should not have had kids biologically (too many hereditary diseases).  I was obviously married too early (age 19) to a man that had two kids already and by 21 we had a third.  I'm counting that whole marriage as part of my childhood, because honestly it was.  It was only after that when I decided it was time to know who I was and what I wanted and what I believed. So who am I?  What do I want? What do I believe?

Well, I believe that I am compassionate, loving, and nurturing, but also I'm courageous, sarcastic, opinionated daring and fun.  I am pretty quick on my feet and generally happy about most things.  I also have many weird quirks, but they are mine to have.

I want happiness and love.  I want people to recognize the importance of relationships and how nothing on this earth matters besides that and Google of course. I want sunny 75 degree days with blue skies, and long bubble baths.  Also I want the greatest best phone out there, which I have with my new one. More than all things, I hope for the success and happiness of my kids.

I believe in God and Jesus and love and the Beatles, oh and myself.  I believe that people choose who and what they are or want to be.  I also believe that we did land on the moon, although, I know it aggravates some people in my life when I act like I don't think we did. 

I think the most important rule in life is treat others right, so I hope you feel like I have always treated you good.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Ah yes.. Ah yes...

Tonight.. No walking.. No tanning.. No working out... No driving to Lebanon..

I'm going to be direct in this blog.. Sometimes I'm vague, but you should know that I love you and thanks for loving me.. There are moments that I get bored of this, but then I look at my stats.. Wow.. I love you.. Thanks for checking in..

I also love bathing.. And my new bathtub is fantastic.. I guess most of you are like 'Well that's good..' But seriously one of my favorite things is to take a bath with a glass of wine while listening to an audio  book. It's a nice wind down and well just so warm and comfortable.. I like taking a really hot bath, finishing my glass and then taking a cool shower to wash off.. So so nice..

Okay so tomorrow night I basically say goodbye to my son for three weeks.. He's with his dad for a week, and then home for a day before he goes on his mission trip for a week and then back to his dad's for another week. Most of you that really no me know that I am going to freak out a little. Maybe I'll stay busy enough where this will be okay, but I guarantee you that I will have a really rough week the last week. Sorry in advance, but I am not sure I've ever been without him that long.

Anyway.. Millions and infinity..

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

expectations . . .

We all have them.  Even when we don't mean to.  For instance, you're coming to my blog because you either a) expect me to say something interesting or b) feel like you have some obligation to do so.  I have an expectation of being in Laguna beach in a month.... . and so on..  Do you think it's possible to live life without any expectations at all?  I don't actually.  I think we can be conscious of it when it happens and push it aside, but I think we're wired to be expectant.

Sometimes we base our expectations on the filters in our life.  We constantly compare things and have an idea what it should be like based on what we know from the past.  We think of how people should behave and how our lives should be, but it's all based on fantasy.  How do we keep ourselves from falling into the rut of expecting things all the time?  I think we need to ask the question - - "am I living to the fullest?"  In order to live fully you have to live for what is happening around you now.  This doesn't mean you can't look into the future and get excited about upcoming events, but. . .it does mean that you should live the moments you're missing possibly right now.

I remember I used to get upset when things wouldn't go as planned.  (I'm not going to say that this never happens now, but definitely much less)  I remember when I'd build myself up for something and then feel way let down when it didn't turn out that way. So many times a person tries to control an outcome that is out of their control.  We cannot predict what tomorrow will bring, so why do we push ourselves in that direction and obsess about what we want rather than what we have?

And now I know a bunch of you are wondering why I would venture onto this topic...well..a friend of mine and I were talking about expectations today, and I had a long drive and plenty of time to think about that.  I feel like I wasted a lot of years expecting things to go a certain way and that never really worked out for me...I'm hoping that a few of you will read this, and understand and take it to heart.  Things happen so fast and our live is over.  We should look at all we have right now and enjoy life as more comes our way, but not try to push something to be that may never be.

well okay I've been in Lebanon and back and now watching "through the wormhole"...
Good night and Love to all
xoxo..infinity and millions

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Sappy kid post...

My kids..
So many of you know that David and Jennifer are my step-kids.  They were from my previous marriage, but I hope that this blog helps people to understand that blood is so unimportant in the feeling of family.

The first time I met David he was five and Jenn was two.  David came running into the living room when his father and I were working on a school video project.  He was missing his front four upper teeth, and was just the most gorgeous kid.  He was tiny for five, and had a sweet sing song voice.  He was wearing a little blue stripped long sleeve shirt.  I'm not sure why I remember that other than it was love at first sight.  The way he said "daddy" melted my heart, and at that moment I thought "this man is raising his two children and they have such a great relationship."  - - It's interesting what you find out over time, but this isn't to undercut the relationship my ex has with his kids.

Jennifer had cute little chubby cheeks and little budda like belly.  She had blonde hair, and her eyes were so blue.  I can honestly say, I didn't want kids or even like them, until I met this babies.  Jennifer and I seemed to connect only through looks at first, I couldn't understand anything her two year old mouth said, but Dave could.  I'd say "what, honey?" and David would say..."she said,...."  It went on like that for nearly a year.  He could understand her, but to me she was speaking gibberish.

I remember when we were married, and he was working in Lafayette, he'd leave, and I'd hear the pitter patter of little feet coming down the hall..first it was David and he'd jump in bed with me, and then Jenn would quickly follow.  Those kids were my everything; suddenly it was like I knew my purpose in life was to be their mommy.  I'm not saying any of this to hurt anyone, btw...I'm just saying it because it was so real.  They felt like mine, but something was missing.  For a while, I had them completely, but every now and then they'd leave to go visit another mommy, and I remember standing at the dryer and crying and smelling clothing, because I longed for them so much.  That was when I made a conscious decision; I needed one that I wasn't going to have to share. Zacheriah was the product of that decision. He was born too early and way too small, but not that you could tell any of that now.

The older two are adults now and Zach a teen, but I can honestly say that I love them all so much. I was truly blessed and am so thankful to have each of them. I wish everyone had three just like them, so they could feel the joy they have brought to me.

Feeling a little sentimental as I wait for the tanning room to free up.

Monday, June 3, 2013


Definitely a good gorgeous day.
Do you think that smiling causes happiness?  If you smile at someone are you happy in that moment?  I think it's possible to smile falsely and not be actually happy.  But I did try to smile a few minutes today when I wasn't necessarily happy, and it did make me happy, but mostly because I started laughing at myself (felt foolish).  I do think that optimism and happiness go hand in hand; of course, this is my thoughts, you can disagree.  But i think that if a person is generally a "cup half full" type of person, they are more often more happy than those that tend to look at all the "cup" as "half empty".

Have you ever thought of how many things we do as a society because of tradition?  Sometimes I find it overwhelming and astounding.  I really don't mind everyone's traditions, but sometimes I feel like people think I'm crazy because I don't want to just follow to follow.  
Like the whole burial thing.  I have no desire to have a traditional funeral and burial.  I'll be dead, people, so just do whatever you want to, and my body will seriously mean nothing to me anymore, so . . .I suggest cremation. I expect that at the point you all are being sad about my passing, I'll be having a margarita on the beach (Laguna) with my grandparents and Shawn in my own little piece of Heaven.
Also the wedding ceremony.. And spending an arm and a leg to tell the world you're married. I just think we overkill and sometimes make ourselves miserable just for the sake of tradition.
And why do we work a five day work week? Why can't we work more hours less days..? I know that some places offer stuff like that but why do we, as a whole, traditionally have a five on two off thing?
As I think of more, I'll mention them..

Went walking tonight at Liberty Park. That is gonna work; it's not Lebanon Memorial Park, but it is definitely better than walking in a cemetery. Did I mention that today is gorgeous?

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Church talk...

<p dir="ltr">Been a pretty lazy day. Did go to Lebanon for church, which was nice. In Sunday school today we talked about hope vs. Wishing and it got me thinking. I believe that the worst times in a person's life have to do with loss. I was thinking about control and there is only so much a person is truly in control of. For me.. Loss and sickness of loved ones have been the worst valley lows. I'm not a person that is too hung up on anything other than love and relationships so I guess that makes sense. <br>
Another thing, Daves message today was about the people in your life that have been your inspiration... Honestly I think so many people have inspired so many different things from me. My mom has a heart of gold and I have taken that piece from her, but everyone I know and have known have made me who I am today. I learn from people daily, and I am thankful for that. Also we talked about righteousness and how some people walk with God. I think there is a fine line between being really a righteous and spiritual person and believing you are better than others. I  think often times Christians fall into a believe that because they believe a certain way they are better than others. Yup that bugs me. I say we just love each other and treat everyone the way we want to be treated..

Okay enough.. Millions and infinity

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Why do you do that . . .

Some kids...Some dinner...some family - love to all of them.  And got to talk to my oldest sweetie for a few minutes tonight too.  Love you David.

Today, gary and I took a walk through a few cemeteries.  No place to really walk long distance around here.   Saw a turtle that was cracked in half - seriously saddened me.  What the heck is up with the turtles in this area?  All I can figure is that there are a lot of ponds.  This day was pretty good overall.  Gary's kids and grandkids filled our evening, which is always a good time.

The apartment is starting to feel more like home.  Got two pictures on the wall today and I think every box is unpacked now.  I do like the tanning room and the gym and the pool a lot.  Makes me feel like a spoiled rich kid a little.

Hmmm...a question was posed to me today..Why do I recycle?  I recycle because I feel like I'm doing my part to save our planet.  I recycle because too many people think it's okay to trash stuff that can be used for other things.  I recycle because I want my great grandchildren to still have a place on this planet. We waste so much, if a tiny bit of what I use can be reused for the something, I'm all for it.  I also try to buy recycled products that way I feel better about all that I use and reduce my footprint of waste on this world.  There ya go..that is the best explanation I can give.  I don't hate against those that don't recycle, I just really believe it is important to understand that we waste so much that even our own children and grandchildren are going to have to pay for what we're doing now.  The earth has limited resources, and we're so wasteful.  I love you, tommy.  Hope that was good enough.

Love ...Millions forever and infinity forever and xoxo..