Wednesday, December 28, 2011

New Year's resolutions

Years go by so quickly now.  I remember when I was a kid and feeling like the school year dragged on and on.  I actually really remember a time in 6th grade when I thought, wow, this year has gone by kind of quickly.  From then on, every year zoomed by.  I guess the saying "Time flies when you're having fun" is true, but even when things were not so fun over the years, time has flown by.
I can actually see a few age wrinkles under my eyes.  Anyway..
I said a few days ago that I don't do "resolutions" to someone very close to me.  This is not true, so I need to recant that statement.  The truth is, I always do resolutions, but they usually aren't based on the new year.  I quit smoking one year for a New Year's Resolution.  I didn't say that was what it was, but I had my last smoke right before midnight.  I had/have a pair of jeans that I love, I made a resolution one year (not at New Years) to fit into them.  I did too..but. . . I don't now (fit into them that is).
I guess I do have a few resolutions I'm working on right now.  I'll share them, but I haven't before, so . . . Here goes.
Number 1. I am learning to not take things personally.  Everyone is living their lives and are living in their own world.  If someone is upset with me or jealous or whatever, that's not my problem it's theirs.  I can just live my life and love those around me.  I can't change others.
Number 2.  I'm working towards my the Bachelor's now, but I can't wait to be working on the MBA..
Number 3.  I will be happy and exude happiness more often than any other emotion.
Number 4.  I need to wear those jeans again.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Christmas and stuff...

I hope you all had a great Christmas this year.  I unexpectedly had a great one.  Zach came home at 1 and Jenn showed up about 5:30.  Jennifer wasn't planned until Thursday evening, when she told me that she didn't have anything else going on from Christmas evening until the 29th.  So, I got super uber excited, but we didn't tell Zach.  He has a rough time of missing her anyway, and surprising him is tons of fun.
We acted like we were ordering a "dessert pizza" when she was about 30 minutes from home, and then when she got there Gary went out to get the "pizza" while Zach and I waited in the living room.  She walked in and I swear it took Zach a full minute to comprehend who she was.  The light bulb went off and he freaked out.  It was priceless as always.  
Definitely missed some people this year, but it was nice to have two of my kids together with me under one roof again, even if it is only for a short time.  I do enjoy them all very much.
Okay - Movie review time. . . Jenn/Zach/I went to see "The Darkest Hour" - Yep..good movie, but a little far fetched, like it the middle of the movie there are a bunch of Russians that just have missile guns..where'd they get them, and also . . . If you can hide behind glass then why not build some glass shields quickly or something. I have a problem with expendables in movies, too..You all know who they are..those people that are just annoying and you kind of are wishing they'd get eaten by something right away.   I know you have to have people like that, but the ones in this movie were ridiculous.  
"Mr. Poppers Penguins" This movie surprised me...It was pretty good. It did leave me wanting a Penguin even if I don't like Jim Carrey.
The new "Girl with a Dragon Tattoo"...whhoooaaa..K, so this is rated R for a reason.  Be careful if you are at all squeamish.  There really are some intense scenes.  Zach did not see this one, and thank goodness.  Good movie and I love the story line, but it might have been just as good minus a few scenes.  And I do not think that i am AT ALL conservative. 
"Columbiana" - Another really good movie, probably my favorite this weekend.  It was revenge centered, but the girl (Zoe Saldana) was awesome.  I also am all about orchids, and she draws an orchid (Cattleya flower) on people when she kills them. 
Some cool orchid pictures - I want a unique one..

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Happy Holidays - from Android

Another Traumatic Event . . .

It seems like a lot of you liked the 'Eye' post, so I figured I'd go with another event in my life that was totally nuts, and completely unforgettable.
A lot of people know that my son, Zacheriah, was a preemie baby. He was born when I was in my 30th week of pregnancy, and was only 2lbs 10ozs.  A few months ago, I would have told you that he hardly has had any major problems from this, but now we do have some colon problems.  (quite honestly, he's probably always had them, but it's just gotten worse)  Zach is 12 now, and for the most part, he's healthy and happy and taller than most kids his age.  He's also completely beautiful, see the pictures below.  I am very very thankful to be his mother.

Gorgeous 3 year old
So, when I was about 16 weeks along, my doctor told me that I had high blood pressure and that the swelling already starting in my legs was a good indication that I was going to have pre-eclampsia.  Of course, I was sick a lot, but I figured that it was just pregnancy.  About 3 weeks later, I was put on partial bed rest and asked to sleep on my left side.  I did that, and was started on a mild BP medication.  At 22 weeks, I was asked to go on full bed rest for the entirety of the pregnancy, and I didn't do it.  Well, I had just started a job at At-A-Glance, and had some huge development projects in the works, when I found out I was pregnant, and I didn't feel like ti was fair to them for me to just cut out.   Also, though, bed rest for 18 weeks, NO WAY.  That is nutty.  I was sure I could not do that.  I did try to take care of myself, but I thought the bed rest thing was kinda ridiculous, because for the most part, I still felt not so bad. 
At week 27, I felt really bad one night, and went to the hospital.  I was sure I was going to die, and when we showed up at the hospital my BP was 210/115 and immediately they admitted me.  I was in there for what seemed like forever, but really about 10 days.  I missed my older kids, so badly, and it was close to Halloween, and I just wanted to go home to be with them.  They went ahead at 28 weeks and gave Zacheriah steroids for his lungs while he was still in utero.  They let me go home on October 31st, 1999 with the understanding that I was to go to my doctor at 10am on the following Tuesday, Nov. 2 for a follow up and urine check.  The final piece of the pre-eclampic puzzle was they were waiting on protein in the urine.  Well, when I got home on the 31st, I could tell that my urine was thicker, and by Tues. morning, I was peeing jelly, seriously.  
My Dr. Appt on the 2nd, was quick..she did a catheter in her office, and immediately sent me to St. Vincents.  So, by 11, I was admitted again into St. Vincents, which was definitely becoming like a home.  They left me in the emergency department all day, and my doctor came in about 2 to tell me (after about 50 ultrasounds) that they were taking him out that day.  Everything went so quickly from there.   I did some arguing, but apparently St. Vincents is a hospital that was about saving my life over the life of my unborn child, which made my mom happy, but not me at all.  Now, once he was born they were miracle workers, so I can't complain too much.  I remember having a killer BP headache and they gave me some morphine, yeah, while I was pregnant, and then they got concerned cuz Zach stopped moving around very much..I thought that was silly, because I stopped moving around much too..This one doctor kept hitting my belly with a hammer that they normally would use on your knees.  
Magnesium Sulfate - OH GROSS.  That was horrid.  They didn't explain it real well, or why they were giving it to me, they told me I might start to get a headache and they put the bed in a position where my feet were higher than my head.  I thought I might DIE for about an hour or so then.  My face got so hot, well I got so hot, it was bad...
Then they gave me the spinal block.  The anesthesiologist comes in and tells me that this won't hurt a bit, since I had been poked and prodded everywhere.  He was a fridgin' liar.  It hurt...It hurt a lot and I cursed and told him so.  Well then everything below my chest went completely numb and quickly.  My dad grabbed my foot when he came in and I remember thinking, what is that lump he has a hold of...yeah, it was me..
Delivery - Felt like I couldn't breath in there, which was because of the spinal, but of course, it was a rush, so no one explained it really well.  The anesthesiologist was a moron, and he was dancing to Kenny G while I was screaming at him that I couldn't breath okay.  After some details I'm purposely leaving out, my boy was born looking like a wrinkly old man, but he cried pretty quick.  (5:54pm)  I was still an emergency they told me, so the sewed me up, and took me back to ICU, and I didn't see my kid for 2 days.  I did get Polaroid pictures, which were size misleading.
When I was wheeled into the NICU two days later, I thought he was the kid on the warmer next to the incubator that he was actually in, and my immediate thought was, "that's not nearly as bad as people were letting on."  I'll save the NICU experience for another blog, cuz I'm tired of typing.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

My Eyes - As promised. . .

When I was 14, an eye doctor mentioned to me once that I had strange retinas.  I had no idea what that meant, but neglected my eyes for years after that.  When I started working at Wabash, I went to a local optometrist, and he told me I had histoplasmosis in my eyes pretty bad.  He explained to me that while it was laying dormant, that it could flare up at any time and render me virtually blind.
Check this out here for more details.  My optometrist recommended an ophthalmology for a second opinion on what was happening in my eyes. So my first visit to Lafayette Eye Center followed.
At my first visit with Dr. David Magnante (he's cool, if you know who I'm talking about), he left the room after saying "Wow!" and came back with another doctor to show him "How cool my eyes were"...Okay so, NO ONE wants to hear when they go to a specialist that they have something "cool" - most generally this means it's new to them or something unusual.  He told me that day that I have a form of retinal deterioration that causes holes and in my retina, and while "yes" I do have histoplasmosis, this was no where as concerning as the holes and how they could detach my retina.  This was the first definition "You're retinas are full of craters"  apparently a few of the holes had a lot of fluid behind them and I needed to have an emergency procedure done with lasers to correct it.  So my first visit there, I had two head ensuing laser treatments.  What they do during these procedures, is strap your head into a contraption where you can't move (chin on a chin rest with laser machine in front of you), they give you some numbing drops in your eyes and shoot a green laser straight into your eye through a lense that they place directly on your eyeball.
I had many follow up visits and a LOT of those treatments.
Pretty soon (three years later or so), Dr. Magnante moved to Unity and I went to see him up there for one of my regular visits.  That day, Dr. Magnante had Dr. Gary Schraut in his office for a visit also.  It was then another show and tell moment for me, when they both talked about again "how cool" my eyes were.  So, I became a patient of Dr. Schraut.  He is actual a retina specialist at the Retina Clinic in Lafayette.  (I've noticed that besides me, he only sees old patients- guess most people don't have these issues this young)  On one of my normal visits to Dr. Schraut, he decided it would be best to just laser around my whole eye.
If you are squeamish to my story at all so far, you may want to stop reading now.  So this day I went to see him and he explained to me that there were a lot of holes and he was tired of treating them individually, plus there was one hole in particular that was in a really hard to reach place with the laser.  He explained to me that he would have to freeze this particular hole, and in order to do all of this he would need to put my eye to sleep.  Guess how they do that?  Ok, so they give you a shot with a HUGE needle that is "dull by design" in the back of your eye nerve.  In order to get to your eye nerve they must stick the needle up under your eye and all the way to the back.  Yeah that's right, and you ask, is this painful?  Okay well, I say to that, I would rather have a few more children then EVER do that again.  What even made this horribly worse, was that I had to do it a second time a few weeks later for the other eye.  When the "dull needle" passes through gristley parts of underneath your eye, it crunches in your head....oh it's making me cringe just recalling it.
Anyway, so, he didn't explain to me that freezing your eye..means to touch your eye with liquid nitrogen which  even though your eye is totally asleep meaning you can't open it at all, gives you a frozen headache worse than you can EVER imagine.  Also the healing time on that eye was like 4 days.  It looked horrible and infected.
Okay..the cool thing about the eye asleep shot, is as your eye is waking back up, you can look in a direction and the other eye slowly scans the room.  VERY creepy, but it was pretty funny.  Zach made tons of fun of his Momma.
I think I pretty well covered it.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, my parents should not have had children, their genes did not mix well.  At least not with me; my bro is pretty okay tho.

Monday, December 19, 2011

I love Technology...seriously

I know . . .I know..
It's good that I am a geek, but some days, I am so so tempted to go buy a new phone.  I don't need one..I just want every new stinkin' device that comes out.  I have started letting all the little children play with my phone with the mindset that if they break it or drop it or whatever, then it's an omen that it's time for a new phone.  I want ice cream sandwich, too, but I'm not willing to switch from ATT so I guess I'll be wanting for a few months.
I had an assignment for this new class, Organizational Behaviors, to talk about what I see happening in 5-25 years with behaviors in organizations.  I found this somewhat difficult, and kept going over what has happened in the last 5-25 years with technology.  I can only imagine how technology will influence changed behaviors.  I suppose there will be much more connectivity to the workplace from anywhere, if that is possible.  I like how in the last 5 years my job has changed so that if it is necessary it is quite possible for me to seamlessly work from home or the ball field, imagine how in the future maybe we won't even have to have physical locations.  I can see the good and the bad with that.  I am a social person, so I can see missing out on interaction with non-verbal ques.  Already there are quite a few misunderstandings because of text and email.
So this reminded me of the first time I had a truly euphoric feeling about technology in general.  So, I have this retina disease that I've had many surgeries for. Basically, it could detach and does in certain areas and so I have to have it tacked back to the wall of my eyes from time to time.  There is much more to this..and I could go into some yucky details, but that's for another blog...maybe tomorrow...Anyway, everyone who has ever had to explain it to me, tells me that my eyes look like swiss cheese with all the holes.  I went to see my regular eye doctor a year ago, and he asked me if I wanted pictures taken...Seriously, I have them, so i will post them in another blog...but . . .he took pictures of the INSIDE of my eye and emailed them to me.  He also took pictures of my sons so that I could compare.  I remember feeling like...NO FREAKING WAY...that is so cool..
Imagine the global impact with all of the technology that is heading our way.  And Whoa can you think of the houses computer really could be like Hawaii Five O...where they have the virtual air projection that they can slide with a hand movement.  Well actually we already have this technology with the XBox 360 Kinect.  Yeah that's right, I have one of those, too.  My kid is a bit spoiled and he likes gadgets and games, too, but he gets it honestly.  Also, I can't really blame him, because I buy them for me to play with sometimes, too.  Almost salivating about his Christmas gifts.  I was going to open them ahead of time and play them while he was gone, but nah..i can wait.  I'm also anxiously awaiting the new Wii technology.  Nintendo is freaking awesome.

Wonder if the new iPhone 5 will have 3D capability?  I really like the look of the new RAZR..yeah that was a bit random, but that's what the whole blog is.  I am quite random, and you don't know the half of how scary that is.

OH BTW - I got a new flower last night.  It's another orchid, of course...I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!  I named him Punkin...and  . . He's pink and yellow, but I feel like he's a him, so he is.  I'll post a picture after I take one.  He is very zen feeling.  I walked by him at Kroger and had to have him.  I wish I could explain how much I liked orchids.  They are absolutely wonderful.

Friday, December 16, 2011

That is all. . . .

me loves me some Android

I just had to post that.

Nik - I got the bags from overstock and I think Gary and I will be fine being home alone Christmas morning.

So...have you ever been feeling something down deep and you didn't even realize the emotions you had about it until you started talking about it, and then it was like the flood gates opened?
I really miss my Dad.  I guess I didn't realize how much I was missing him until I tried to tell him that last night.   I am a blubbering fool sometimes, and I'm good with it.

I think sometimes a good cry is healthy.  I wonder how many men really cry when we're not looking.  I would rather the crying be when I'm not looking though, I don't know why, but I really don't like to see men cry.  It's okay if someone dies, but not about the stuff I cry about.  You know - - as I'm typing this , I'm thinking wrong is that?  Seriously, I want to be treated as an equal to a man at work, but . . . I don't want men to cry, because they should be tougher than that.  Strange realization.  I also just realized . . . I sometimes answer my feelings with "it's okay, I'm a girl"...hmm..something to think about..I'll bet men would rather I cry when they aren't looking too though..

I love water.  No, I mean I really love water.  I remember when I was younger and I used to feel like 'yuck, water'...  How is it that now, I crave it?  I guess that's good.  I like tea, too, but water - good ice cold water - is so fantastic.  Of course, I love red wine, too.  Last night, in the middle of the night, I got up and drank like two full glasses of cold water, and I went back to sleep thinking about how wonderful water is.
I had the most interesting dream, too.  I swear sometimes my dreams could be movies.  So, I was like in the third person and watching these army guys get blown up by alien forces.  Somehow these two guys took off running up a hill only to see tons of people that looked Zombiefied walking down the hill.  One of the guys walked into this webbing stuff and then started to lose his mind and become also Zombie like, and his friend pulled him out of the stuff and he regained his mojo and they both ran away.  Anyway, long dream short - There were these aliens that took over the world, but they couldn't invade certain towns for some reason.  The white stuff was surrounding plants and made people lose their minds, but if you got them to a town where the aliens were they regained their senses.  Also the AM radio stations were somehow turning people into Zombies and would brainwash them into going out of the towns to get captured, but FM stations were off limits to the aliens somehow.  There was a family I kinda followed and some running guy that was getting in shape to take on the aliens because they killed most of the military..  I woke up dream, maybe I could have that one again sometime.  I know, right?  I know what you're thinking, but I'm not a total lunatic, just a tad crazy.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

This is one of those - I'm happy days.

I'm not quite sure.  Nothing extremely good happened today, and nothing really bad either.  I'm just really content with my life right now.  I did get an 'A' in this Negotiation Class and I didn't have negotiate for it.  I really felt like this one might fall to a 'B'.  I had trouble sleeping last night, nervous things would go bad with a meeting today, but thanks to my buddy, Josh, and a very supportive Support Center (I love my employees) - all went very well.
I know that I'm really open about saying "I love you" so it's hard for people to know when they're special to me. It's hard for me to single out people, because a lot of people are really special to me.  Josh - you're def. one of the good ones.  Ron - I know I give you shit, but you are too.  Thanks guys, for being friends and good team members.
Almost done with Christmas shopping.  I think the UPS guy is sick of my house.
So for our family Christmas present, I got us a new living room set - they're huge pillow chairs.  I'll post a picture later when they're set of what they look like then, but I'm gonna post one at the bottom of them in the middle of my living room which looks so freakin' small with them in there right now.
I'd like to send a congrats out to my brother - he just got a new job, and I'm super excited for him and his family.  Hope it's awesome, bro.
Cross your fingers, my momma has an interview tomorrow for a new one.  Maybe it will be a great Christmas this year after all.  Maybe we'll have some good memories for next year, since last years suck ass.

Joshua King

Yeah - maybe you can't tell
but they're HUGE
Remember - I LOVE YOU!

Monday, December 12, 2011

My take on the Mustache . . .

Please oh please..
Don't do it.
Facial hair is fine, but the mustache is not.  Please don't stop there, grow the whole goatee.  As I get older, my tastes change about some things, but I'm sure that I do NOT know one single woman that wants her man's upper lip to have fur on it without the chin having it, too.  If I'm wrong, please feel free to correct me.

Now - If you look like either of these two men, and you have a mustache, it may work for you...

But . . . if you look like. . . . . 

Now - I do like the full version - very much. . . 

I always love feedback, so if you disagree for any reason, please tell me all about it.

Love ya all.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Not feeling it. . .

I haven't been feeling the "blog" thing lately.  I'm not really sure why, but it's been hard for me to think of things to talk about.  Probably hasn't helped that I've been not feeling good for a while now.  I do NOT like cold weather.
In the last few years, I have decided to become a different person.  You know that old, "if you don't like something, then change it" saying.  Well..I've worked to make me happier.  I do realize that it's within me to be happy and I can not rely on anyone else to even help me with this.
So I went to a seminar yesterday, and anyone that knows or has heard of Dr. Kimberly Venus-Darks knows that her presentations are AMAZING.  She's kind of an Evangelist of sorts, and I think she's wonderful.  She opens up by having the group talk to their neighbors and repeat after her.  Things like "I'm here for me, I'm not here for you." and "Sha,, na, na, na, na".  She gives inspiration and talks about how things are and experiences she's had.  She talks about things like the fact that as mother's we're raising our sons, but we're "TEACHING" our daughters.
One of the questions she asks in the seminar is if you do your thinking with your heart or your mind.  I guess for me this was a hard question to answer.  My heart is sure affected by a lot of things, but the bottom line is that I like the logic in most decisions and try to keep some of the emotion out of it.  Why is it that once you let something emotional in, everything seems to spiral?  I know that you're not my therapists, but GEEZZ..I'm a basket case inside sometimes.
Some of you will get this - and some of you won't -
Man, I'm having trouble with this year.
1.  I don't expect her to want to be around me all the time, but I miss her, and when she pulls a date that I get to see her again a few months out, that about kills me.  I know that we talk everyday, and I know that she has a boyfriend that she definitely likes to be with more than me, and I know that she gets a hard time from some people about wanting to be around me, and I know that she loves me dearly, but all these logical facts mean nothing when your heart aches.  I decided a few months ago, that I would not push her to do anything in her life, instead I would just be there for her like a pillow to lie her head on.  She will always be able to count on me, always.   Whether that is from a distance, or right next door, I have her back and she knows it.
2.  HATE is a strong word.  So to say that you "don't hate me" isn't nice at all.  I would prefer that NO one have strong enough emotions towards me in a negative way as to 'hate or not hate' me unless we've had a child together and I've left you or something.  If you are reading this, then you are friggin' nuts, cuz you purposely tried to hurt me and succeeded.  And yes, I do have emotions and I can be "hyper-sensitive" any darn time I want.
3. If you always do what you've always done, then you will always get what you have always got.  If you want something that you have never had, then you need to do something that you have never done.  If you always think the way you have always thought, then you will always get what you have always got.
4.  Lemon, one of my orchids, is dying.
5.  I'm going to be alone this Christmas morning...(Well not totally, I have my Neo...) Need to work on the bright side of that.
6.  For the first time. . . I do NOT have a High A in this class, and it's killing me.  I just now hit a 91% and that's before she marks things off on the next few assignments.
7.  I've had bronchitis this week, and while I'm getting over it, I'm not sleeping well.

Okay - that was me bitching..
Now. . . . Breathe....  Breathe... I got most of it out..
I forgive you all..I will not take you home with me...I will not make you be the center of my evening.  I will go home and smile and have a GREAT weekend.
there all better.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

my kids

While I want one to be 18 soon, I also wish they would all stop getting older.  Just pause....Take a break...
I miss the little things...

This time last year. . .

I have a hard time with reflections sometimes.  As I age, and it's happening rapidly, I remember the bad things sometimes more than the good things.  Last year at this time, I was having a really really rough time.
Some people in my life live in a special place stored just for them.  My grandmother was one of these people and still is.  It's gonna seem crazy to some of you that I remember this timeline exactly, but I do.  Last year on November 1st, my Grandma was admitted into the hospital for a stomach ache and "lung ache" she had for a few months prior.  She had been told that she had pleurisy before that and was instructed to take antibiotics. On November 9th the diagnosis of actual cancer.  In the meantime, Gary's mom had been admitted into the hospital, and we found out at Zach's birthday party on Nov. 6th that she had cancer also.  Anyway - long story short - my grandma died 2 days before Christmas and Gary's mom died on Christmas morning last year.  I loved both of these women very much.  June was so original and I could always see so much of her in my Neo.  I still do.  Gary - I'm sorry if you didn't want me to share any of this.  I love you.
Anyone that knew me at the time of the divorce of my parents, knew that my grandparents were the people that kept me from breaking.  I always thought that my Grandpa would go first, and I was prepared for that (well as much as I could be), but I never even really imagined losing our family matriarch. I wonder if this season will ever feel like it used to for me, with all the mystery, majesty and glory.  I was seriously thinking of not putting up even a tree this year.   When I was a kid, my Grandparents were snow birds but flew to CA every winter.  When I'd see my Grandpa in the Summer, I believed with my whole heart that he was Santa.  He resembled him so much, and I knew it was Santa on vacation.  My Grandma had me convinced that Smurfs were real, and we hunted them.  So many good memories.
Some of you may think that this is the only death that I've really been faced with, but no.  My first cousin was killed in a crash when we were both 19.  (Well he had just turned 20)  He was 4 months older than me, and his death killed a little part of me.  He and I grew up together and were very close, along with one of my best childhood friends, Ricky.  We three kings did everything together.  We grew up in the country and built forts and played hide and seek and lots and lots of wiffle ball and dodge ball.  Death Hurts!
****I know this seems like a pitty me session...Not meaning to do that, but I do want you to stop and THINK...
I have been struggling lately with why people think it's necessary to hold any contempt or hatred in their heart for anyone.  I know that was a little random, but really, if I've learned anything in the last 34 years, it has been that life is too short to not live your life to the fullest.  This means that you need to enjoy or try to enjoy every minute of every experience.  I remember a few years ago when I was at my great Uncle Bob's funeral.  I remember thinking, I'm glad this isn't my Grandpa, and praying that it would never happen.
The one Truth that we all know is that everyone dies.  What happens after death is uncertain, but while we live we can do as much as we can to love and be happy for ourselves and those around us.  Mind you, I am a Christian and I do believe that I will see these people again.
I ask that if you're reading my blog, that you think about being truly (not just think it, and say it, but actually feel it) thankful for those in your life and for all the experiences you have.  Learn from things, love people and cherish them.