Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Times and reviews

http://www.uncommongoods.com/product/elevate-carousel-utensil-set

these are FANTASTIC cooking utensils and one of my Christmas presents from Gary.  The handles are weighted so that you do not have to have something to lay the end on.  They're great and create less of a mess.

Second - started watching the first series of Doctor Who today because of +tommy graham and @lylly sandifur and +Jennifer Shoop.  I must say..still not impressed.  I'm only 4 episodes in, and maybe it'll get better, but I'm still not SOLD on it yet.

The bed (Temurpedic Cloud) is growing on me, slowly.  Once I finally get to sleep, I don't feel like I want to get out of it.

The last week or so has been hectic and oh so much fun.  I have a GREAT family and Great friends.  It was fantastic that Jenn was here and that Zach was with us mostly.  We had a great get together with Gary's family and with my own.  I love you all.

I'd talk about the Job hunt, and there is opportunity on the horizon but I do NOT want to jinx it.  I'll wait a bit and will let you all know when something is SURE.

Loves..

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

okay people - BE REAL -

No one thinks it is a stupid idea to put guns in the schools where are children are.  I see on the news tonight that Indy is thinking about arming administrators and teachers...REALLY?
Can anyone see a child maybe finding out where one of these guns are and getting his hands on it?  Can anyone think of a better idea?  geezz...How about we realize that tragedy happens?  I realize that while all of the tragedy is here and schools need to be protected don't we think maybe we have to do it in a way that truly protects...I feel like when something bad happens in our nation we over react to the max and it just makes crazy criminals think "yeah, if I get mad enough I could do this . . . "
Please stop helping criminals.  Lets sit back and think for a while.  I heard the other night that this teacher was thinking her son needed help and she was frightened by him for a LONG time, maybe we should make sure that teachers have better access to help avenues when they see depression happening with students and with family members.  Maybe we could work on some sort of tragedy alarm that sounds so loud the entire town would hear it.  Maybe we could come up with some sort of restraint or massive sticky slime that comes out of the ceiling if a trigger is hit..and everyone gets stuck immediately...Lets stop thinking of other dangerous weapons that could create another tragedy.  Maybe we could create panic rooms for each classroom....I think my mind isn't near as good as lots of people, but GUNS>>>>really lets add to the school exactly what takes lives from it......Where is the LOGIC here...NO NO NO
I haven't been really vocal on a lot of this, but COME on...I do not want the teachers in my sons school to have guns..I do not want guns around him at all...so I get that everyone knows right now that I am not a republican, but GEEZZZ people..these are our babies...I don't want a weapon like that near my child, and I will NOT be okay with it if it happens.  I also will not be quite about it.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Love and feel fully. . .

Yesterday was a good day.  A nice all day party for sure.  Thanks to everyone who joined us for the celebration.  Any excuse to have a party is great.

Today we go to celebrate one of my best friends birthdays.  She has to know that she is one of my best friends on earth too.  I'm excited too because we were asked to next weekend go see The Hobbit.  Yay! and Jenn will be home Yay! again, and Zach will be here for that too...I only have to still miss David for the holiday's.

I think Shawshank Redemption is one of my favorite movies.  And now you're wondering why I said that.  Gary turned it on just a few min ago, and it's hard to stay focused.

Okay time for a poem.  Said I wouldn't post more of them, but whatevs.  I want to.


Love isn't a strong enough word
What happened to yesterday
So much time has passed

The first moment I knew
You needed me and I you
The sun was brighter after

16 years has gone by
I still need you
Even when your need for me
is a distant memory

Do you remember playing in the rain
Hot chocolate on the cold days
Snuggling up on the couch
Learning about life together

There were so many things to teach
Letters written to look like bugs
catching softballs and running bases
A hug a day keeps evil away

Who knew a couple little ones
Could teach so much so quickly
Who knew I'd fall in love so completely
I suppose the universe knew

To really love is so important
Blood is not what makes family
Listening before action
Feel as fully as possible

I learned that today will slip
Tomorrow will be here soon
You can't get back to now
So enjoy every second

I love you, my children


You know what I really like.  I like that we're all on this ball learning together at the same time.  Old and young alike.  Everyday is something new and different and we're all messing up together a lot.

Happy Days!  Most important in life is experiences.  Enjoy them.


Thursday, December 13, 2012

Winter Feelings. . . Love and Loss

When I was 18 years old, I felt my first real loss ever.  At that point all of my Great-Grandparents had passed away, but for me, they were old, and I never connected so much with them.  I grew up next door to my first cousin, and he was really one of my best friends.  He and the guy that lived across the road.  They were my best friends for sure growing up.
We transformed while watching Transformers together, built forts in the woods, collected buckets of sand to fill in pot holes (ridiculous), chewed up worms for baby birds together, threw rocks at his mom, got caught with matches, got hurt together, smoked together, drown a cat together (really more innocent than it sounds - we were five and didn't know that cats couldn't swim), and got into trouble by grandma together.
When our family lost Shawn, we lost a lot.  Life changed forever during that time.  I know that sometimes say things like that but don't mean it, but for our family the hole in our hearts never really mended.  Nothing ever felt the same after that day in May.  I learned that we weren't invincible and that life was going to end for everyone, and even though I had known it before that day, nothing makes it more real than losing someone so close to you and in such a tragic way.
My kids are now the age Shawn was when he died...I wish I could make everything easy for them, and that they wouldn't have to feel the sadness that accompanies tragic loss.  The unfortunate truth is that death is a part of it, and we all feel the loss even when people say, "they're in a better place"...That still means they're in a different place than you are, and so it still hurts and it's hard, but day by day..the hurt lessens.  I've had the privileged of knowing a few people in my life that seem to think that burying emotion about loss is somehow handling it better than others.  I think that crying is okay and healthy, I think that feeling fully is the only way to get through what you are going through..I think that you should handle loss however you need to for you to feel it and move on to the next day....
Recently I made something special for my family for Christmas.  It included a lot of sappy stuff that brought back tons of memories and definitely some tears.  Gary said, "why do you do this to yourself?" of course he doesn't get it, but I like to remember and to feel sometimes, I'm not letting it take over my life, but sometimes it's okay to feel sad that I have lost some of the most important people in my life.
And why am I thinking of sad stuff so close to Christmas...well...this is the time of year that has been very sad for me in the past...Maybe even my greatest loss.

Anyway...just rambling..sometimes I do that..

Going tonight to watch some beautiful kids perform at our Winter Showcase...Yay!! Love the LBBT.

I love you all.  Have a smiley evening.


Tuesday, December 11, 2012

My DAY!

It's nice to hear the sunrise and the sunset.  I know that seems silly to some of you, but some of you probably get what I'm talking about.  I sure enjoy those days when I take in those sounds.

Today I heard the sunrise.  Today I will hear the sunset.  It has been a good day.  A very good day.  I will figure everything out, and it is so nice to not have to figure it all out alone.  I live with two of my best friends in all the world and they do tend to make my days brighter than I could imagine.

Last night a friend invited us to the opening "Friends and Family" night for Arni's in Frankfort...It was nice, I love being a friend of Arni's.  Tonight I'm going to Ulen Country Club to watch some Black Box Kids perform.  Exciting stuff.  Thursday night is our showcase for this session.  The Black Box is an unexpected blessing; those kids are so wonderful (and parents too).

So - Got my final grades for all of my classes - A average - that's nice..Saturday an open house which should be nice also..Thanks to Gary for loving me so much.  He's alright that guy of mine.

Oh by the way...we're gonna have a baby...

Got Zombie's U for Zach for christmas (well me really).  He had a sad Saturday so we opened it and got scared.  It's a GREAT scary game.

Yeah, I was kidding about the baby thing, just seeing who was reading..

Later beautifuls..make sure you listen to the sunrises and sunsets and see what you hear...k..

Have a FABULOUS night.  I will.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Today

I sure love my boys..
How did it happen that Zach can make me laugh so hard that drink could come out my nose.. The boy is funny and sweet.. I think I am doing okay somehow with him.
We laughed for 10 minutes when these two ladies asked to help us take pictures and I told the it was okay cuz we were playing.. Trying to line up the huge tree in the middle of us was interesting and fun..
Wreck it Ralph was good.. And i have to say.. To have a kid like zach like me... Makes me think I might not be that bad... So everyone knows.. That was in reference to the last line in the movie.. Not because I believe I'm a bad person..

Anyway.. I liked the dreary day.. Kept expecting to see zombies on the streets.. Not sure why.. I expect that will be a dreary day too.

I did feel a little bad for Zach today. He was looking forward to Adrian spending the night.. We found out this afternoon that wasn't going to happen and he got a little upset.. I told him to call his uncle to ask him to come over.. He did and Roy had plans.. But zach even though he was down.. He stayed very unwhiny about it.. He's growing up nicely.. Very proud of him so I gave him an early Christmas present.. Zombie U... Freaky game.

Enuf.. Good night..

Friday, November 30, 2012

A blog blog blog..

hmm...what to say..
Random thoughts totally I guess..

I really am so glad there is not been a bathroom RUN today.  Still not feeling a 100% evening..but strangely I'm in the mood for Mexican..Problem is Mexican is a  problem.

I have a lot of stuff up on ebay and somehow I wanted the auction to end Saturday, but it doesn't..it ends Sunday.  GREAT...have to wait another day..

I turned down an offer from Gary today that I am sure I might regret...He made sure to let me know he wouldn't go back on it for a while...so I'm stuck...and I chose no..

I got the BLUE furby that gary couldn't find...haha

I played Mario U with my baby today..and he's really not as good as me, which makes me OHHHH so happy...he's been better at every game except mario than I since he was like 8.  

I really like how the U controls our TV and Cable box.  That's cool, but it would be nice if it controlled sound for us..and our BluRay player..

I gave in to Brian and let him have Zach wake up there on Christmas morning again, but...I get him longer this way..cuz he said after dinner on Christmas Eve and he'd bring him home around 9 Christmas morning..That means..I get him longer..oh well..I'm sure there will be some emotions again, but i'll figure it out..

Been a little emotionally numb lately, with all the sickness floating around.  Did go decorate the Black Box today, and put the announcement out that we're doing a full production...Yay!  Beauty & The Beast - Auditions January 10th...

Get to see Sheila again tomorrow..cool beans..

Missing my baby girl, but Sheila is a pretty decent stand in..or Tyler, but I don't see her that often anymore..

Love yas
Jess

Sunday, November 25, 2012

blogging. . .

Sometimes I think it's time to stop this blogging thing..

I enjoy it immensely and it definitely is an outlet and a sort of therapy for me...but I also find it cumbersome..It's crazy to tell people your thoughts all the time..I think it might be interpreted wrong too, like some people may think that I'm being conceited by writing about what I think..I mean really who cares what I think or say..I know all this..

Many days lately I have tried to determine what is next for me...what do I really want to do now..what can I do..what makes me happy...what feels right...I get to do whatever I want now..and that's kinda weird..

I do of course need to think of cash flow and insurance and my child still at home..

I like to write..I like to talk..I like my opinions..that does not mean that I believe I'm right all the time.  I don't even care if I'm wrong actually, I just like to share them.  You wouldn't believe the amount of people that think that their way is the true ONLY way.  That what they think is right and no one else knows or gets what "right" is for them.  CRAZY is what that is.  I recently compared one of my friends to a "Christian" and Gary laughed and thought it was funny.  This person is NOT a Christian but believes his way is the only right way..and I said, "it's kinda nuts, like he's a Christian trying to tell me I'm wrong."  I mean that..I don't know why people can't understand that just because they believe something to be true or right..it doesn't mean that there isn't someone else that believes differently and is also "right and true".

Okay now I need to say..based on my comment, you'd think I wasn't a Christian.  I am totally and that was a stinky view I just painted to the word Christian - For those Christians that understand that we definitely don't have the Bible all figured out, and for those that don't try to push their point of view on everyone...I apologize for my comment.  It was not directed at all, but towards the evangelistic ones that point out how wrong things are based on their interpretation of the Bible.

With that said, more randomly...

Today is better than yesterday...I'm so glad my SON is coming home to mommy tonight..and he texted me to tell me how badly he misses me out of the blue..it's nice to feel his love.

I apparently have not been a great friend sometimes...I am who I am..I'll be me and if you decide to figure that out..great...if not ..whatevs..I am not going to try to change for anyone

I am so so so so so happy with the Wii U and the new Mario game...seriously it is my most FAVORITE one ever.

Black Friday deals this year sucked..hopefully there are some cyber monday ones that I like..

I appreciated watching old videos with my mom and dad and roy on Friday...thanks to my brother for convincing me to do it.  It was supposed to be a christmas surprise that I was converting all old home movies to dvd.  No surprise but a good time and it did feel nice.

I have gotten a lot of compliments on my poetry lately..going to stop publishing on here..and only share with some..seriously i can't believe something that takes me so LITTLE time is even liked a little..that's kinda neat..

Okay..well..that's all for a while..over and out.


Saturday, November 24, 2012

Any ideas?...

Wrapping your arms around me,
I feel the comfort of your soft touch.
There is nothing as safe and warm.
I feel my muscles relaxing

Thank goodness for the end of day
It's nice to know you're waiting
You are perfect for me
Nothing feels quite so right

The day may crumble around me
but I know that a moment near
You'll ease all my worries
as you cuddle me to sleep

On the especially painful days
I'm becoming an addict
Longing for your caress
Desiring the security





Thursday, November 22, 2012

Wind...

Yeah it's late (or early) and I'm not sure if this is even remotely good.. But couldn't sleep.. And i like to write.. So here goes..

Your breath is cool on my face
Your touch is soothing
Deep in my soul you make a me calm

There is that shuffle through the leaves. The whistle through the open window You smell of rain and freshness

What is that you whisper
I can go to sleep
Knowing that you will never leave Tomorrow will be the same for us as today
Or maybe even better

Through tragedy and pain
Through heartache and misery
I feel that I can count on you
I know you will keep me sane

Even during my sleepless nights
I feel you soothing me
You're there to remind me of happiness and love
I hear you whispering "this day will soon pass"

Thank you my most constant companion.

Death...

When I die.. I know sadness will occur.. I won't ask anyone not to cry cuz that's dumb.. But.. Can everyone who loves me remember this? I want to be cremated.. No showing/visitation.. I do want a gathering for a memorial with a bunch of pictures of the good times.. With some good pop music playing or rock.. I won't be very specific since I'm gonna be dead... Also.. I think it would be fantastic if you drove in a line of cars somewhere just cuz people should pull over for me too..
My ashes.. Hmm.. Somewhere around where everyone is.. Under a nice shade tree maybe.. Again not specific.. I'm not gonna mind anything then.. Most importantly.. Hug and kiss each other.. A lot.. And maybe drink some alcohol and get sloppy.. Give me something to smile about wherever I am..

Love you all.. And i am so thankful to have each and every one of you reading this... Have a great day.. And kiss someone..

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Today's early blog

I am sitting at the hospital waiting on Donna or Dad to get here while she's having some testing.

I have been thinking a lot lately about feelings and what is real. So many people act like or say how you can make yourself feel one way or another... And that is true.. I know that as long as you don't want to be unhappy you can make yourself happy..
I also know though that it is important not to use that as a cop out. Ocassionally I think certain people believe you can treat someone any way and that it is that persons responsibility to manage the feelings involved. If a person does something directly that could hurt you then yeah.. You can get over it but sometimes the person acts like it's your fault you are having anger feelings or sadness because of what they did. I often feel disappointment with people and they can say they are sorry or whatever and it doesn't just fix it.
I have to decide at what level I trust again or how far and much I will ever let them hurt me again... Usually I'm a glutton for punishment when it comes to those that I love, but every so often I decide I'm done with the pain they cause.
I am a lover.. I love people very much, but i do not like being hurt or betrayed or treated unimportant to those that I hold very very high in my life. My heart is on my sleeve most of the time, and I believe that is my tragic downfall.

Random thoughts
David came home... Love hugs kisses.. I love him so so much.
Had all my kids together under one roof for the first time in a really long time and I can not express the joy that brings even under the circumstances.
I have never met anyone I even like as much as my kids.. I believe if I was stuck on an island with them and no one else, sure I'm miss the heck out of gary, but the kids would bring happiness all on their own. They are fantastic.
My ex husband's family... I love them.. It's so strange to feel like I do towards them still, but i do.. I'm so sorry for their loss and happy for the life of Edith all at the same time. Without her they would not be as wonderful as they all are.
I want to play my Wii U today.
Sheila is coming over at noon.. Hope I can stay awake.. I'm tired today..
Tomorrow is thanksgiving.. Hope it is grand for everyone.. Spending time with two families this year.. Won't have any of my babies though.. I'll still smile and try not to cry once.. Even though I'm almost just typing this.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Nothing Profound . . .

Okay so, I'm a week away from a Bachelor's degree.  I guess this should make me happy, but I've been pouring out most of my hope and happiness on possibilities lately.

I feel like the job search is a bit frustrating at times.  One moment I'm happy and excited about the possibility of a potential lead and then next I'm sweating that an interview didn't' go exactly well.  I do have some awesome people in my corner, so maybe soon.

Alright so. . . Still liking my Lenovo and Windows 8.  Not loving Windows 8 yet, but I do like it.  I should have bought a few of the Nexus 4's so that I could sell them on ebay.  I did get two Wii U's, but I'm not selling the extra one to a friend, so don't ask.  I want to sell it on ebay.  They're going for like 750 bucks right now..That'll pay for mine, too.  I wish I could've gotten a few more of them.  I've been having fun with selling things on ebay lately.  It's interesting to see what sells and for how much.

My ex-husband's grandma (the kids great-grandma) is pretty sick.  She's 95 or something like that and has lived a full and happy life, but she's still sick and dying.  I think something weird happened to me the other night..Dumb and weird..so..Jennifer and Zach are obviously sad about this, and I totally get that, but I felt frustrated a little, because neither of them seemed that sad when it was my grandparent's dying and they were younger and it was more tragic.  I was feeling like, "what the heck" and then I had a thought - -- And YES i had this thought (no one helped me with it) - I have no idea how sad anyone else might have been when it was my grandparents...quite honestly I didn't care...I was devastated and that is all that mattered at the time. . .
I also had another realization that evening, which didn't bode well for my Neo and I...I am okay with my feelings and sometimes it's okay for me to tell you how I feel..and not to have you tell me how to solve it..or that I shouldn't feel a certain way...I WILL feel...I DO feel...and whether I should or should not doesn't matter because what ever it is at the moment...I WILL feel it..It only matters how I handle those feelings and what I do with them.. So many times, I'll say "Man, I really feel. . . . " whatever, and I get the response "Well you shouldn't feel that way..."  Okay doesn't matter...I do FEEL this way, and I know that I can make myself have different emotions, but I feel how I feel because I do..if that makes any sense..

Random..

Who first came up with curse words? and what makes them curse?


Why is it that I hate feet so much?  I feel like somehow they are gross body parts, how do I get past that?  Without anyone touching me with feet..


Sometime soon, I want to get REALLY REALLY drunk..and say curse words..

okay that's about it tonight..I know I kept you waiting and this is probably a total let down...sorry..

Love you all.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

hope . . .smile . . .

I so excited, and afraid to be too excited all at the same time.  I am afraid to get my hopes up, but at the same time . . .. .. OH I hope this all works out...

Please pray for me, or send out positive vibes or whatever you do.  I really appreciate it, and I know I'm being sorta vague  but I'll scream it loud and clear when I can.

Windows 8 - Okay I've decided...I do like it...I think it wouldn't be nearly as cool without a touch screen.  My new machine - the Yoga 13 - is fantastic also.  Took my Watts for an oil change today, and people want to keep him everywhere they see him.  No...No...No..It's like my kids..I have the best..and everyone wishes they had them, but they're mine...just like my car..and now my laptop/tablet..

I have the best friends too..and family and well...so many things....I also have the best God..just saying..I am really thankful for this week...it's been a really good one so far...Thankful for Nanette and Lucy and Sarah...and I am so glad I have those three women in my life..I love them bunches..

Just hopeful and happy this week...all around.

Friday, November 2, 2012

What am I thankful for? . . .

So I keep seeing all of your day by day posts of thankful things, and it made me think about some of the things I'm thankful for.  I'm going to list them in no specific order.  So if I put something at the end because I think of it then, it doesn't mean that it is less important to me than the others..Got it?

1. My door - I love love love how my front door is a drawing board right now.  It has restored so much happiness to my life the last few mundane weeks.  YELLOW I'm thankful for Yellow. 

2.  My kids - Even the one that doesn't talk to me much.  I love they all three have made me smile a lot during some difficult times.  They're wonderful.

3. Gary -  He's too good for me really.   He puts up with all my craziness and still claims to love me...How can this be?  Also he's my best friend to boot.  

4. Mom - Oh mom...she's so great.  She loves me unconditionally and really is proud of me, when I feel like there is nothing left to be proud of.

5. Last classes for my BA - Seriously excited to be taking on something new.  My life has so many possibilities now.  

6. Family - Everyone that I don't mention specifically in here...I'm still thankful for you..

7.  Lucy - Who knew you could love someone else's child almost as much as you love your own?  I get that I had two stepkids...but they never felt like that - it was just a my kids thing from the start, and while yes, they did grow on me, I instantly love them.  But I always felt like other people's kids were just not as cool as mine, until Lucy.

8.  Friends - Everyone I don't mention specifically for some reason or another in here...I have a lot of friends,  and I love each and everyone one of you.

9.  Laura - You have been there for me during difficult times.  Even when you were mad cuz you thought I wasn't texting back. I love and am thankful for our friendship.

10.  LBBT - Oh my gosh...I own a business.  I know it's not profitable yet, but the kids are great, and so is working with Emily.  Which leads me to 11

11.  Emily Wolfgang - My child loves you and so do I.  I appreciate all that you do for our community and children.

12.  Our relationship with my brother and his wife - Seriously - I love them and they are some of our best friends.  

13.  Success. - Jennifer/David/Zach - Have you met my kids?  I am thankful that they are all so well rounded.    

14.  My bed - I can't be more comfy anywhere on the planet..my couch isn't bad either, but bed oh my bed, is great.

15. California - specifically Laguna Beach - I am sure this is what my heaven looks like.  

16.  Blog readers - I am happy so many of you like to read my stupid antics.  Thanks.

17. Wabash National - That place taught me so much, and honestly most of the people there will be lifelong friends.  I was there 10 years and they were some of the best of my life.

18. Understanding of emotions.  I love that I know how to feel what needs to be felt.  I love that while I can't completely control mine yet, I know that I am in control of however I feel.

19. The bible classes that IWU forces you to take.  Yeah, I'm thankful for being made to think about some things that I have not thought of for a while, if ever.

20. Dumb people - It's good to have people that aren't as smart as you.  It's all relative really anyway.  - Maybe I'm more thankful for understanding perception.  

21.  Tommy -Friendship/Confusion/love/understanding/growth - I am thankful for you.

22.  Senses - I'm sometimes not so thankful for this around Zach - but the fallen leaves, the cut grass, the sugar cookies, and smell of rain...I'm so thankful for smell.  -  i love sunshine and puffy clouds and being able to see them clearly.  I love hearing Lucy speak. I love tasting peanut butter and the feel my wonderful comforter. 

23.  Superheros, vampires, werewolves - All that stuff that is maybe not real to all, but lives in a happy place in my heart.

24.  Technology - Windows 8 this wonderful machine I'm typing on.  I'm thankful that things are changing so rapidly and that I can understand and love the coolness of it all.  I'm thankful for Google/Android and all that they do. I'm thankful for Amazon and streaming and cloud storage and oh my goodness...so many technological things.  I'm so happy to be here and now.

25.  The Unknown - Yeah this is gonna be my last one for today - I'm thankful for not knowing everything.   I like learning and I like how things evolve and become new.  It's nice to wonder what tomorrow will be like while enjoying today.  I think it's also scary right now, but it's still kind of cool.

 Okay - Not proofing this...just posting..Love you all.  If I didn't mention something specific that is okay...I'm probably still thankful for it, but I got tired of typing. 

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Once AGAIN. . .

So...I know that it's been a little while since I did this.  Wasn't sure what to say.  Sometimes I can't just come up with interesting things, even though my mind is constantly going.


I decided yesterday to get the new Yoga 13 - Here's my Review first of Windows 8 - I really think it's going to take some getting used to.  I like it, but I'm learning it.  It is so so different from Windows anything..  People complained when they went from XP to Vista like crazy, it will be interesting to see how the general public actually handles this change.
http://www.engadget.com/2012/10/09/lenovo-ideapad-yoga-13-shipping-ideapad-yoga-11/
Now my review of the coolest computer/tablet every...Seriously - I can not tell you how exciting it is that this is touchscreen, but I will never again be able to use a regular PC/monitor/laptop.  I would look like the dummies that click the mouse on the monitor when you tell them to click on something.  Anyway, this device is spectacular.  I cannot help the geek in me.  I love technology and  I don't think that will ever change.


Now though, since there isn't an endless amount of fundage to my crazy purchases, I will be selling my XPS 13 - probably $650 if anyone is interested, and I will be selling my Galaxy Note 1 for probably $400.   If I don't get offers on these quick, I'll be ebaying them.  I also have some other electronics to sell.  I have a iPod Touch 1st edition (without the camera) - I'm thinking $50 for that.  I also have the iPod nano - small orange one not the latest but the one before this (6th gen  and I think 8G) - I'd part with that for $100 - Also have chargers for all.  The XPS and the Galaxy Note - even have original boxes and they are pristine.  Actually the Note is nearly brand new, since I just got the Best Buy replacement on it recently.  

Alright so I have to give a review of a new yogurt also.  Yopa! - Okay - not a big fan. I'm not sure why I switch, Chobani is the best.  Yopa! you can get that have nuts to put in it..and that's why I got it with it's chopped almonds.  It was okay, but I'm glad I have Chobani for the rest of this weeks breakfasts.  

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Activities . . .

I am one of those weird people that always have to be busy.  I have to have things to keep myself busy at all times.  Used to be a few weeks ago, that feels like forever ago now, that I had a full time job during the day that kept me busy and then the evenings were filled with other activities.  Now, I have: painting bedrooms, and doors, and looking for a job, and organizing some things, and getting new cabinet pulls and school of course.  It's just weird that I still try to fill every moment with something during the day.  Neo says relax and enjoy this, and I say, whoa I'm bored.  So, not sure mentally why that is, or what the problem is with me, but there is definitely an issue there.

Anyway on to the weekend.  This weekend has BEEN so AWESOME.  Went and got Sheila to surprise Jennifer and even though the kids got back late Friday it's been great.  We stayed up late Friday, got up early yesterday and went Paintballing, then a party at my house, and then a not so haunted maze..but it was still fun.  I have to say that Paintballing with Jenn, Zach, Adrian, Garrett, Sheila, Sarah, Roy, Kyle and Tyler was TONS of fun  I LOVE it.  I really want to do that again, and soon.  Yes, I do have a few bruises and I'm sure we all do, but I swear I love that adrenaline rush.  Good times.  Then we came back to my house (Kyle got a ticket) and we had some great grill food thanks to Neo.  Had others stop by including Lucy Lou and Dad and family, Mom and Laura.  Zach had a fantastic bday party.  I can't believe he's gonna be 13 in a few days.

Last year i blogged about his preemie birth, but it is weird how he can be so Clifford the Big Red dog like.  He's such a tall boy and you'd never know that he was so so small once.  Thanks to St. Vincent's NICU and so many prayers.  Such a happy and healthy...Teenager??>>>Really..Teenager..wow..He'll be driving before I know it.

Taking Jenn back today and I plan to have some fun with that, too.  But first, some Arni's...Yay!

Love you all.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Productive Days. . .

I love it when a plan comes together..
Cleaned out most of the upstairs room (junk) today.  Now we have another guest room.
Continued working on my novel.  Coming right along.
Did some career builder searches, and sent resume to a few more contacts.
Texted with my kids of course...Missing them all.
Went into Zach's room and opened the closet door (HUGE mistake)..Doing his laundry now. YUCK! Boys are gross..
Invited some more friends over for the weekends activities.
Bug guy came and sprayed.
Downloaded Zombies Run...yeah I think I want to start it soon.

Thought about finishing the cabinets, nah..not today..
Going for a walk at 6
Going to Arni's for dinner...

I loved being able to stay in bed this morning..while it was raining..it was cozy...
Everyday I get a little more happy.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Response. . .



Blogger Manatow said...
There is always more than one reality. And most people think their perception of reality is the "True Reality."

You cannot be a truely wise and HAPPY person until it is clear to you, as a person, that your own personal thoughts of reality are not necessarily the true reality.


I decided to just blog an entire blog response to this.
I agree that reality is not the same for everyone.  But what strikes me about your comment is that you say "you cannot be truly wise and Happy" Until til i agree that everyone has a different reality?  I can be content and happy in any form I wish and I am enjoying my perception and my reality.
I know that everyone has their own world that they're in charge of.  I also know that my world is what I want it to be.  If I say I'm going to drop everything and paint everything Yellow and be happy...and I choose to make that happen, then who are you to say that I cannot.  I have a feeling you are someone I know, and that's great and if you're not, sorry, but you became someone tangled in my "thoughts".
Wisdom is not something I even claim to have.  My grandpa was wise, and I'll never get there.  I just want to live and enjoy this life no matter what happens.  I want today to be a great day, and tomorrow, but I'm thinking about this as a one day at a time type of thing right now.
So, Gary loved your response to my blog, even though I'm not sure how it fit so much into me trying to get over a HUGE loss.  Gary said, that sounds Zen and Buddhist.  So Props for winning the heart of my man.  I thought about how to respond to this last night for like an hour, because I do NOT have nearly as much going on in my life these days.  If you were referring to my "idiot" comment, then you obviously do not know what I know, and your reality may be different but mine is right and yours is wrong..no harm done. ;)

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

My decisions. . .

I'm a huge believer in you make your day and your happiness.

So I'm gonna run down the last few days for you.

Friday - I was let go. . . I had a lock-in to contend with at LBBT which I was in charge of, and I was quite sure that a sleepover of a bunch of kids were not what I was in the mood for.  Well thanks to a Landlord and some screaming kids, it didn't go off as planned anyhow.

Saturday - What a boring day.  Gary tried hard to "fix" things, by taking me to Cheese Cake Factory and I had tyler with me until afternoon, but it was a hard day.  David did text me and in one of them he said he loved me without knowing about my Friday at all.  Zach was a big cuddle bug which was nice, but I felt like something HUGE was missing.

Sunday - Went to my brother's house, and while I tried hard to enjoy myself and Lucy, I still felt like I was off.  I found my mind wandering to the "what now's" a lot, but Gary made sure to let me know that evening that no matter what, we're good.

Monday - Well yesterday was a little better, besides figuring out that my replacement had already been hired and knew someone I thought I was close with.  I felt betrayed a lot, but as I stated last night when mom stopped by to try to make it "better"..None of that matters now anyway.  Everything is. . .It just IS..so I have to decide what I want now.

Tuesday - I woke up refreshed and laid in bed until nearly 10am.  I wrote a list of things to do, and have been knocking them out.  My bathroom is clean like it hasn't been in years, and now I'm gonna start on the kitchen.  I have homework to do and a job to look for.  I'm kinda excited today..I am almost feeling relieved and am happy that Gary gets that I need alone time sometimes.  I still am going to really miss miss miss some wonderful people, but I'm good.  I'm really good.  And I'm wonderful, let's not forget that.
I decided today that I don't want to be down or upset or numb or whatever, I want to be Me ... the me that I am really comfy with...the one that is confident and knows that idiots exist and sometimes they're even in charge these days, but all I can do is shrug my shoulders and say.."whatever"...

Love the day!

Monday, October 15, 2012

New beginnings. . .

So those of you that know me know that I am one of the most loyal people.  I'm a loyal and loving friend, and once I love you, I love you.  It doesn't really change so much.  People could argue that I am divorced, so what about him???well I was never really "in love" with him, but I do still love him.  He's the father of my children.    Now. . . I don't know how many of you know this or not.  But recently, my life has taken a big turn...probably a much needed turn.  I've been with Wabash for a LONG time, and we decided to part ways.  Mostly they decided, but that's okay, I'm only bitter towards one person.  For now, I'll keep that to myself.  Sometimes people are really just a little evil, and I really feel sorry for this person for he will never know love, the kind of love that I do know.  

Okay I have to tell you all something interesting.. Every now and then right now I really enjoy alone time.  I'm not sure how I feel about life right now.  I'm deciding what I want to do next.  I spent about 20 minutes outside today just laying on the porch thinking and enjoying the warmth of the sun.  I have never really enjoyed alone time, but the last few days, I've almost craved it.

oh btw..gary says, kiss my ass..

Anyway back to this..I need to decide how big of a risk taker I am.  I am deciding this right now though, I will never answer to someone in my life again that I have no respect for and that I truly deem an idiot.  If I choose to work for someone again, or someone wants me to work for them, I want them to at least be able to put a sentence together without having to ask for help.  

I'm about half way through a book that I'm going to seriously take a few weeks to give a real shot at.  After that, I'll seriously start working on getting a job.  
Today was weird.  I did think of all the things that I no longer have to think about, and that is NICE.  There is definitely a small sense of relief that is starting, but still more of a "what now" feeling.  I have faith and trust in myself that I'll figure it all out.  

There are a few of you that I will really really miss, but I believe we'll stay in touch.  

Love you.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Reactions . . .

Okay I admit it..
I say and do a lot of things just to get a reaction.  Often times, I just want to see your face when I say this next off the cuff thing...This blogging thing really doesn't help me with that, but I imagine.  I have a very vivid imagination...

I don't really think that vampires, werewolves, zombies, monsters, and the like are real, but I do like playing like they are.  Some people like playing online games, I like my make believe world where I get bitten by a vampire and then fight off bad vampires, werewolves and all zombies with my killing tools and soon a bow and arrow.

I also really do believe we've been to the moon; I just believe that the Transformers crashed on the dark side too.

I'm not even going to talk about how old the Earth is..so don't get me started..

Today's Would you Rather:
Would you rather be a vampire or a werewolf, and why?  I personally don't want to smell like wet dog EVER, so that's one reason I would choose vampire.  Being a vampire in a Zombie Apocalypse could suck though (or lack there of sucking)...might starve actually..if too many people turn to Zombies, who's blood are you going to drink..wouldn't want to suck on a yucky Zombie.


Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Green eggs and ham...

Check out some cool new socks ill be sporting one of tomorrow

So today's would you rather made me think a little. Would you rather be able to tell when someone is lying for sure every time? Or be able to lie without anyone ever being able to tell or figure it out?

I thought about this a while.. I am not sure I want to know when everyone is lying.. Sometimes a small lie might make me feel okay wearing the clothing I have on.. I think it would be kinda cool to be able to lie and no one know or calling me out... Problem is I don't like lies.. I think they tend to do worse in the long run.. I'm very open, even about my feelings and some would say to a fault.. So would say it's refreshing.. I just say it's easier to be honest and to try to love and try to live by that.. Hasn't failed me too badly yet..

I am sorry for my sad blog yesterday, but those of you that know me... Really know me... Know that I handled the day much better than I could have..

Posted on Facebook but I need to make sure that everyone knows this.. I really do love you all and I thank you for your interest..
Snot is running down the back of my throat again.. And sneezing both sucks and gives my wonderful feelings all at once..


Monday, October 8, 2012

Happy Birthday Grandpa. . .

Never ever will a day go by, where I won't be thankful that you were my Grandpa.  I hope when you see me from where ever your spirit waits to be taken to your Heaven, that you are always as proud to have me as a grandchild as I was to have you as a Pa.

I remember so many stories, and so many happy times.  The good so outweighed the bad.  I will never forget your laugh and your smiling eyes.  It's weird when someone so close to you dies, and it feels like they're still around when you remember them.  This is how it is with both you and Grandma.  I feel your presence like you are still here, but I can't actually see or touch you.  You were there for me when I felt like the earth was moving from under my feet like no one else has ever been.  You were my carpenter and one of my greatest loves.  Forever Pa, I love me too..




Sunday, October 7, 2012

some reviews. . .

This weekend was a fantastic one.  I really enjoyed having some me and Neo time.

I'm going to review a few things in this blog...

First of all, I just finished the book "The Book Thief".  Honestly, I have to say...the ending made me cry a few times, but the book overall was absolutely GREAT.  It is about a girl named Liesel Meminger in the time frame of World War II in the small town of Molching German, which is outside Munich.  The book is told from the viewpoint of Death (narrated by - which sounds weird, but it really works well).  The book follows Liesel's life and her adventures in book thievery.  I would give it a must read or listen, and give it past the first few chapters cuz it starts off a little slow.

Second, Gary and I saw the movie "The Perks of Being a Wallflower".  Oh my goodness.  I really liked this movie.  It was about a boy starting his freshmen year of high school, with all the normal fears, but he also had a rough year the year before.  Charlie is through the movie writing letters to a "friend"  -  I don't want to spoil it for anyone.  It is a tear jerker, too, but not in the traditional way.  Charlie finds his way hanging with some misfit teens..

Okay - Now a question....Do you think that Rock/Country/Pop is really that different?  So for instance, I love the Eagles, but they do sound a lot country.  Gary doesn't like what he calls "pop" music, but who decides what is pop and what is Rock, cuz I think they cross lines.  We actually had a conversation/discussion about this for at least an hour last night.  I just think it's one of those things that is subjective.

Spent the day with some awesome kids..and some okay adults...Now I have my little family here all together again, and that is nice too..

One more thing about my date last night...Gary and I went to PF Changs last night and I learned something about myself.  I both love and hate horseradish sauce...I love it ... and then I hate it and then I love it again..it's so weird...I like the initial taste, then it kills me....(like you wanna scream a minute) and then I can't wait to feel that again...Is that not the weirdest thing EVER?  I know..

Now for my would you rather....

Would you rather be a Jew in Germany during World War II, or someone that loved all?  Would you rather be the persecuted or be the one who can't help them but loves the persecuted?

Love you all..

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Would you rather series. . .

So I was thinking about how to spice up my blog a little, and I think I've decided I'm going to ask a simple would you rather question and then answer it.  I will continue to add my thoughts of course, because it wouldn't be my blog without those.  Just like any good relationship though, there is some give and take, so I really would like to hear your replies on my "would you rathers"

Okay so for the first one, I thought maybe I'd ask this question?  Would you rather. . . .
 

Okay - so...I know all the men in my life would love if I looked like that, but I really do like myself.  I'm not saying I feel like I'm perfect by any means, but I think if I looked in the mirror and saw that face, I might not be able to function.  I enjoy me; the non-shallow looks don't matter me.  Plus if I looked like that, guys would like me for all the wrong reasons.  So I have to say honestly, if I could change the way I look I would want to do it by working out and making myself more fit, but I don't think I would choose the super model.  Ah heck, who am I kidding..If I were changing looks alone, I might go for that.  If I had to change to someone else's personality along with it...yeah I'd stay me.

I am a girl.  This is a thought I've had a few times in the last two days.  I like things like boys do.  I like football and drinking and well all kinds of boy stuff, but I am a girl with girl emotions and girl feelings.  I think sometimes boys think I don't let everything bother me like other girls, well sometimes this is true...and sometimes it's not.  I like to cook and to smell nice and to be complimented and to cuddle and shop and well telling me that you love me just sometimes isn't always good enough...sometimes, maybe dependent on the day of the month, I want to hear it more often, cuz I can be needy just like other girls..So sorry for that boys, but I do..

Sometimes life gives you oreos..Sometimes it gives you poo.. I guess all you can do is hope for an oreo day. ;) - and yes..that was mine..

Monday, October 1, 2012

Do you remember. . . ?

When you were young...
I saw you and it was truly love at first sight.
You were so awesome, and the reason for my life, quickly.
Do you remember going to county market, and getting me in trouble when you threw a fit that I wasn't your Mommy?
Do you remember when we played Zelda together from beginning to end?
Do you remember kisses and hugs?
Do your remember how much I love you?
Do your remember me reading the first Harry Potter book, so that we could connect and have something to talk about?
Do you remember me begging you to stay the night in the apartment?
Do you remember me getting upset when you wouldn't text me back?
Do you remember me making several trips to Bloomington/Normal to see you?  Graduation included?
Do you remember me coming to Grayslake and staying at a water park hotel and having you stay with us to see YOU before you left?
Do you remember me having no cash, but figuring out a way to get to Texas to see you graduate basic and putting a couple hundred dollars towards a laptop..(credit, cuz I didn't have the funds)?
I promise, I will never give up on you.  I will always always love you.  I know life hasn't always been easy on you my sweet.  Please, give up on the thought that I don't love you as much as your siblings, and know that I do...Know that I just love you differently, but not less.  You were my first true love and I will never ever let you go. I hope you have a happy 21st birthday.  Be safe.

Friday, September 28, 2012

What?!?!

Sometimes I think I have all kinds of stuff figured out and then... Poof... I know nothing again.. Isn't that weird? There are about 15 maybe 20 people in my inner most circle that know that peace is hard to come by for me. This morning was so hard to get out of bed.. Not only was I stepping into a catastrophic situation this morning that seemed to have no bright spot but also my lungs are now infected with the head snot infection... So coughing is happening more.. I should say unproductive coughing... Ewwee.. I made some calls though about my graduation and funding for the upcoming masters program.. And that made my morning a little brighter.. Then it took a downturn for a while... And it made me think.. Why why why why... Why am I not trying harder in a few key areas... Why do I even care about one person having hateful feelings towards me... I mean geezz everyone does not have to like me.. Kinda some uncharted waters there for me tho cuz there really are very few people I cannot connect with on some level.. Dude I am pretty great after all..
Anyway after a long day.. Of sickness and worry I get to go hang out with a bunch of LBBT kids for family fun night. And tomorrow I GET to work inventory... Oh and let's not forget I still have homework I need to do by midnight. And you ask why I'm bogging instead of doing homework now? I got home and zach was playing and gary was working... And I'm sitting on the couch resting before the LBBT experience... Yup so I decided to talk to myself like this basically..
Today on my way to work I flipped down my visor and my gma/gpa picture popped down... It reminded me that none of this.. Daily stuff... Matters at all in the grand scheme of things.. Yup you guessed it.. All that matters is the love we show one another.. All that matters is that we take care of each other and love.. And so.. With that I'll say "I love you all dearly".

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Non-conformity

Let's talk about what that means. Is being a non-conformist someone who doesn't hang out with others? Nope.. That's a non-social person or someone who may think they're too good to hang out with others. A non-conformist is someone who chooses not to go for the norm just to go for the norm. A non-conformist is someone that questions why certain things happen and decide to go against the grain, but they could be totally social people. Saying I choose not to do this cuz all of you do it doesn't make you a non-conformist unless there is something we're doing that we don't want to be doing. Conformity means that I am somehow doing something only because it's expected but not because the person wants to.

Something else... It would be great if people had my back.. Just saying.. It would be great if I felt like I was actually...... Cared for..

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Gobbelty Gook. . .

People can hurt you.  People that you trust, and people that you love can and do hurt you sometimes.  How do you move from that hurt spot?  How do you decide you aren't going to let it depress you for a long time? I don't know.  Honestly, I don't know.  It seems like when things get rough, they get compounded quickly by all the other stuff in the world.  I know it has to be about the attitude.  When you're feeling negative, it seems easy to dwell on the negative maybe.  Anyway, I have decided I can't go back to being a person that is insecure and sad, and I won't.  I can't change you or make you happy.  That is for you to do.  I can only love you through it.
So enuf of that.

My thoughts are random again today..can't stay on one thing too long...
Some of the hardest things you will ever have to do, are seriously yucky.  Matters of the heart are always hard for me, personal and professionally.

I did decide today to do Zach's bday party at Indy Acres Paintball.  Woot! Excited about that one.

Yeah, so boys...are sometimes dumb..don't forget that girls..Not that I don't love 'em...still dumb..

Sunday, September 23, 2012

iphone 5...

My assessment...
Same phone different size..

I like the size don't get me wrong, but I don't see the appeal.  If you didn't like Apple so much before, it's not something that will reel you in now.  The screen is pretty and it's a little longer which gives the appearance of sleeker than the iphone 4 and also gives the appearance of skinnier somehow, but the width is the same.  The phone is thinner in depth though, and that is nice also.  I like the colors better than the iPhone 4, considering the two tone black on back, and the phone does seem to run a bit faster and smoother.
With all that said, for me, nothing GREAT and new and wonderful.  I know that Gary did order a new Nano though, so I'll give my opinions on that in a few days.  It made me think...I have a nano that I never use.

Gonna do some homework now, NEVER ending homework.  "hey jess, what's your sunday look like?"  - "well I don't feel good (thinking tomorrow might be a Unity visit), stressed about work stuff, and OH yeah, I have homework to do, and I'm going to LBBT in a little bit to meet with my partner on some planning stuff"..
Love you all.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Joys of Cheese. . . .

Well it got you in the door, didn't it.

I am pretty excited about some upcoming events.

Please check out the Fall events for LBBT.  www.littleblackboxtheatrecompany.com
Next Friday is a Fun Night.  Oct 12th = Lock-In
Fall session II starts Oct 8.

1.  Gonna ship my oldest son (even though he doesn't talk to me anymore) some alcohol for his 21st birthday which is right around the corner. 21...yeah...that 5 year is 21 in a week in a few days..and doesn't apparently remember what loving me means...If you happen to read this, David Alexander, I will ALWAYS love you.

2.  Halloween is coming!!  Zach's favorite time of year, and that always makes me happy.  Gonna plan a 13th birthday bash for him of some kind...scary Halloweeny.  My BABY is almost a true teenager.  Weird right...2lbs 10ozs..15 inches long..and now..a size 13.5 MENS shoe..and ...yeah..wow..

3.  I can wear sweatshirts with my jeans for comfort again.  I love fall and spring so much.

4.  I have an iPhone 5 that I'm gonna play with this weekend.

5.  My life is so busy, but so perfect right now.  Lots of good friends and family and love to surround myself with.  It is nice to be in love with my best friend.  You know what...love is just awesome...

6.  2 more weeks of doubled classes, and I will have a small break.  It doesn't mean no classes, but only one for a few weeks...That alone will feel like a relief.  - few more months, and I get to start all of this again..exciting huh?

7.  Emily told me that she will do a Spring full production . . . . YAY!  I am stoked about that.

8.  My friend, Laura, is happy about a job she's starting.  Congrats, Babe. Love ya.

9.  Lunch is at Little Mexico today, and I want cheese.

10.  Went out to the plant and toured some stuff today...It was fascinating..You'd think when a person has been here as long as I have, that things like that wouldn't be some darn exciting but they are.

11.  I decided yesterday..That I am so in charge of EVERYTHING in my life.  I can DO whatever I want to.  I know that sounds silly, but what I mean is...if you're being emo and I don't want to listen to you, I won't any longer.  If I am tired, I will sleep.  If I am over it, then I'll just be done with it.  Sorry about your feelings, but I don't need you clouding my judgment. (That is to lots of people, so don't take it totally personally)

I love you my Jennifer and Gary..since I think you two might be the only ones reading these days.
;)

I'll let you all know the ends and outs of the iphone 5 later today or tomorrow prolly.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

today's thoughts. . .

I guess I don't have much that I don't share with everyone.  Sure we all have a few skeletons in the closet, but I a pretty open person a lot.  I suppose that is because I really like me, and I figure others should know me and like me, too.  

What circle am I in to you?  Interestingly enough, I put lots of people in that Friends circle or even closer.


I was thinking of reasons people might not want to be as open with another person:
Fear of conflicts
Don't be afraid to say you disagree.  Some conflict with people is healthy. You might think people in good relationships should not argue. You might think if you tell people how you are really feeling if you are upset or angry they will be hurt.
Can't be emotional
Maybe, you think you shouldn't have negative feelings like anger, jealousy, anxiety act. Well, you should be more mature and more rational, cuz if you were you would be able to control your feelings. I'd be willing to bet that other people will not see you as weak if they find out how you are feeling.
Please don't reject me!
Are you are so terrified of rejection or being disapproved of that you'd rather keep your feelings bottled up rather than making someone mad at you? Guess what, you don't have to please other people and meet everyone's expectations.  Maybe you should trust me enough to be able to share what your feelings and ideas and thoughts are.
Self Esteem Issues
How much do you love yourself?  Do you believe you are not entitled to express your feelings or ask others for what you want? Sometimes people just stink...Love yourself enough to not worry about what others think of you.  If a person is real, they will respect you more for being you.  A true friend will even love you when you're being a butthead.
Don't you just KNOW!
Why can't he/she just read your mind? Geezz.. (Okay, yeah I am DEFINITELY guilty of this, that's why I had to include it).  Maybe HE is not insensitive and maybe he does care, but maybe he doesn't know what you want him to do/say. 

      ***Girls - Really that one is for you and me, cuz I have been here so many times.  I think sometimes Guys are just really dumb, and you have to help them out.  Give them a break, and guess that they really don't know what you want from them.




Sunday, September 16, 2012

The weekend...

Whoa all of those involved in my weekend know how crazy but great it has been. Started with the Mraz concert with some awesome kids.. From there the car had issues and then a great day yesterday... LBBT performance and a party at Jess' and... My Lucy said "Aunt Jess" so that i could hear her... It was very clear, too. I love that kid..
Also was surrounded with good peeps all night.. Some family and some friends.. Lots of love to all that made the day great..
Apparently though I had some issues after everyone left.. The funny kind but not really appropriate for bloggin..
This morning we got up early.. Train to Chicago and after some Navy Pier and Millennium Park.. On a train now back to Lafayette.. So.. Now I'll complain a little.. Sore throat.. Sore leg.. Sore foot and walking in flip flops like an idiot.. Welcome to my world..
Okay so I go to get zach a charger for his phone at the Verizon store and the lady there starts explaining to me first the surge protector one and then when I told her I would be fine with an off brand she started lecturing me on how off brands can hurt your battery... Really?? No.. But nice selling point.. I didn't like her at all.. Went to a cool (the coolest actually) target ever today... Really neat.. Chicago does have cool stores..
I'm all over the place but what's new.. Oh yeah... Go Colts!
Now I was thinking I want a giant turtle in my yard... A human sized yard ornament turtle..
Also I would like to do some archery I think and I want to go to a casino in Indiana.. Started a bucket list of sorts.. I love experience with new stuff.. And i wanna do all kinds of things so... I think I'm gonna get a bow and arrow...

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Yes

I really like yellow and orange..
Blue and red are nice, too.

Yellow fills me with an inner peace though..
Like being in love or clean fresh sheets.
It makes things happen to me.. I'm not even sure why.. It just feels happy..
Also like the smell of fresh cut grass.. What an awesome smell... And the smell of rain.. Awwee.. I love that smell.

Sometimes I stress a lot. I wear myself pretty thin, and my coping mechanism for the stress is or has been people. I surround myself with 'em. Also though I used to work out which helped so much. I really need to do that again... Next week.. Starting again next week..
Right now I'm sitting at the LBBT and writing this on my phone. Waiting for the break I am between classes so that i can talk a bit with my business partner.. Always something going on, and I know I couldn't be happy any other way. I just need to figure out how to manage the stress better I think..
Sometimes at work I hold my pee until I literally feel like I'm going to explode.. (I know that was random... But these are my random thoughts)
Sometimes I cry and sleep with a stuffed bear... Only sometimes but it does happen..
Sometimes people are fantastic and show me that they do really care..
Sometimes my life is whoa so interesting.. I can't believe I live it.
Jenn is going to skydive with Zach and I...
Yup these were mostly random thoughts.. Oh and I have new wooden sunglasses.. They are too cool..
I love you.. And i care.. And you are special..

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

So..Here we are. . .

At someone's request recently I started working on a 5 year plan.  Wow! For me that is one difficult thing to do.  I really like flying by the seat of my pants.  I like living in the moment and for today, and yeah, even though Gary used to act like I was too centered on the tomorrows, and the what-ifs, I have never really wanted to actually PLAN future things.  I guess I have always felt like without a PLAN there would be no consequence, or rather no disappointment.  If I didn't plan to be the head of some huge corporation or for retirement at 35, when I hit 35, I wouldn't be so disappointed.  It's worked nicely, with my rose colored spectacles on.
I know there are times that what you want isn't something that is feasible at the time, but that doesn't mean you can't want, wait and wish for it.   I have recently decided that CA is really a pipe dream for us, and that's okay.  Indiana is blah blah..but whatevs...I need to think of what is most important for Zach.  I have a lot of "what's most important for Zach"..It's important that I don't move him away from his father, and that I don't move him to an area where things would be bad for him.  It's important to know his friends, and his life...I do here...I can do that for him...That doesn't mean that I won't put CA in a 10 year plan or longer but it's definitely not in the 5 year.   Okay so that part was fairly easy for me to come up with.  Basically, I just had to weigh it.
The Bigger Question: OH my gosh...what do I want to do in my life?  What do I want to be?  Do I want to write?  Do I want to be a manager?  What would make me truly happy?  I love the fact that someone asked me some hard questions, that I didn't have answers to.  I just feel like it compounded my every day stress by a zillion...almost panicked over the fact that I am getting a ten million dollar degree with no FREAKIN' idea what I want to do with it. So all this is happening, and someone (a VP) says to me today . . . ."Jessica, I have to tell you that you are the most approachable person I have ever met."   Overall today was a decent enough day, but on my drive home with the windows down, and the radio up and the dancing and sending a few messages (arrest me)...I thought about how I ALWAYS want to be that person.  The person that people like and want to come to about stuff.  I always want to be in some sort of service job.  I was MADE to interact with people; I'm good at it, and gosh darn it people like me.  Of course, I like them too..Too many and too much, this is why some of my besties feel like I am mad at them if we don't talk for a few days.     I'm sorry, Laura, you're fantastic and I would let you know if you ever did anything to upset me before I blog about it.  Promise!  I also have a problem with burying myself in too much work.  Too many things going on all at once and it's making me a little crazy at times.
One thing that I say a lot, and I mean it, and people seem to think that its cliche or whatever, I do love you.  I am quite certain I was born in the wrong decade.  

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Full day memories . . .

I think it's weird when there are days that you can remember so clearly like they happened yesterday.  Those types of days are very few also.

I remember and can replay the entire event of finding out my cousin had died in a car crash.
I remember and can replay the events leading up to the emergency c-section and having Zach.
I remember the day that David first called me Mom and how uncertain I was that I could be a Mom to anyone.  I love you David.  I wish I still felt like you loved me.
I remember the day I found out that my Gma had cancer and was most likely not going to live through it.
I remember Sept. 11th, 2001 from morning until evening.

Sept 11th, 2001 - Zach was almost 2, and he and I were home together.  I switched on the TV, as I was walking through the living room, and saw a breaking news flash.  I sat down and watched as the second plane hit live.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  My dad was laid-off from work during this time, and I called him.  He said he was coming over, and there was such sadness in his voice.  While I was waiting on him to arrive, I called Pleasant Hill elementary where both David and Jennifer were in attendance.  I remember the lady explaining to me that they were in Lock-down and that meant no one in and no one out.  My heart was probably beating a million miles a minute, while I demanded access to my children to no avail.  My dad arrived and talked sense in me, as we watched the TV coverage.  It felt like no matter how many times and how much coverage there was, I could not get enough.  It was like the biggest national tragedy was unfolding right before our eyes.  I went to the school, and I apparently was not alone in the anger that our children weren't accessible.  They released early, and I got to bring home a couple of kids that had watched too much without a Mommy at the school. In hindsight, I understand what they were thinking, it was just something I wish the kids could have been with me through.  It's not as if I could have explained it any better than the school did.

I remember feeling bad that I was happy that my family was safe.  I remember crying and praying for families  and hugging mine.

Thanks to the Firefighters.
Thanks to the Military.  Thanks to my David and his Wife, Amber.
Thanks to the Police.
Thanks to Everyone that works to protect and keep us safe.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Posts about Saul/Paul . . .

Interesting stuff to me. . .

As most of you know...I attend Indiana Wesleyan, and currently I'm in a class about the Life and Letters of Paul.


I thought it was very interesting that Luke records that Paul claims to be born a Roman twice in Acts, also how weird that he was a Pharisee.  I guess this is something I never fathomed.  
The book I'm reading about Paul by F.F. Bruce is very interesting.  Paul was a prosecutor and it was very unlikely that he would all of the sudden start following the teachings of Christ.  I find it interesting also that Paul didn’t meet with the apostles for quite some time to hear about the actual teachings of Christ.  I guess, I always assumed that he knew more of Jesus’ life when he was teaching before he went back Jerusalem.  Paul went to Arabia after his conversion to teach or maybe to meditate, who knows, but he hadn’t met with Peter or James at that point. 
I’m curious, and I know that this may not be the place for this, but it is a discussion board.  I didn’t really realize how detached Paul was from the life of Jesus and the life of the apostles.  Why did the apostles believe him at all?  Why wouldn’t they just think that he was some quack who was trying to perform miracles or gain fame for himself?  
I found out that Paul had a physical ailment. (Not sure what it was, but an ailment that Jesus would not take away) It made me start thinking about what the ailment could be.  I know that some think it may have been epilepsy, but it could have been something as simple as a crossed eye.
The idea of Paul being a “mystic” was one I had not really heard, but it made me think of a nomad that walked around to places and spoke of miracles unheard.  Probably would have been awesome to meet him or listen to his teachings. 
It’s so interesting that Jesus chose Paul to be an apostle.  Paul was a man that was okay with other men being stoned to death for crimes that were not even crimes.  Paul was a man that thought he was better than others, yet after realizing so completely the mistakes he made, he spent the rest of his life making up for it.  The other night I watched “American History X” and the main character of that movie somehow made me think of Paul and the persecution by all he had known when he learned the truth.  So, the main character in that movie is overcome by hatred based on race, but after years and prison he changes and is redeemed.  He gets out of prison and tries to change his old gang members, but mostly his brother.  I, as a woman and a mother, do not like how the movie ends, but the character in the movie had so much to overcome.  I see that person as being closely related to how I see Paul and his conversion.   

One of my classmates just told me that the physical ailment that is mentioned apparently kept Paul from writing most of his own letters..So this leads me to question the validity of the letters at all?  How do we assume that the writings were from Paul at all?

Anyone have these answers?

Friday, September 7, 2012

Where do I fit . . .

Lately - I've been struggling with subjects to write about.  I'm tired of saying the same old thing...Love each other, be merry.  So what to write about this time????

17 Days until my copy of the Avengers... OH YEAH - And Sunday Football...I'm so so so so so excited about that too...seriously..Colts/Bears - oh who to root for....yeah duh..I'm a Colts Fan first, Broncos Second..and then da Bears.

I am watching a movie called "Acts" - yes the biblical book of Acts is the movie (NIV word for word).  I have many times read and studied this book through the years (not just saying this, I really have).  Anyway...I'm not just studying Acts of my own free will this time, I have a class "Life and Letters of Paul" in which the movie is a part.  I know, right...So you're thinking I'm going all Bible thumper or something, well I'm not, but I do have my beliefs and convictions that have been tested very recently.  I love the story of Jesus and the Apostles.  I love the leadership and the fellowship and the LOVE that is the story.  I love that Stephen (who I think is my favorite) didn't hold back and died for stating what was needed to be said.  The New Testament in general tells me to  be who you are and to love each other through anything and everything.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss
Read more athttp://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/d/dr_seuss.html#HIptZGL2cTRl3Mhp.99

I said today and I meant it. . . All that really matters are relationships and people...everything else is cake (didn't say that part then, but it's true)..

What is the right thing to do?  How do I separate my personal feelings from my professional?  How do I walk that tight rope?  Why are my feelings so visible on my face (guess you don't need to be able to read my mind)? Why do I let some things hurt my feelings and others role off?  How do I become hard like other people?   - - - Yeah I really do ask myself these questions a LOT.
“It's not about what it is, it's about what it can become.” 
― Dr. SeussThe Lorax

All I can do is be the best that I can be.  I can only work hard to be a decent person and treat others the way I want them to treat me.  I know I do things wrong, I know that I'm never gonna be perfect, and I know that I love you.
Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, Nothing is going to get better. It's not.” 
― Dr. SeussThe Lorax

Why all the Dr. Seuss you ask, cuz he got it.  That's why.  This blog seems scattered a bit, but my mind is too.  Sorry.  Love you dearly.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Creative Juices . . .

You can tell I had nothing much to write about today...for sure
What creates happiness and all your emotions really?

If you know me then you probably know this answer....YOU do.  If you want to be happy, then be happy gosh darn it.  Something that makes me happy - The AVENGERS - so I pre-ordered it...Yay! Sept. 25..

If you could have Any super Power - What would it be?

I really am curious about all of you, so send me a message and let me know.  I have given this a lot of thought..I think I would want telekinesis/psychokinesis.  I get that basically that is two powers, but I'm thinking I want them.  I know, I know..I want I want..but if I can't be a vampire, then at least I should be able to control things and people.

If you could meet anyone past or present, who would you want to meet, and why?

For me, I think it'd be John Lennon.  Well short of Jesus..My obvious answer would be Jesus.  Never meeting either of these men, I kinda see them in the same light.  I know that a lot of people won't understand that statement, but really...they had some much in common.  Generosity, peace and loving (Lennon and Jesus both wanted all of us to love each other and be as one without ego)  "You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.  I hope someday you'll join us, and the world will be as one."




Okay so recently I came across the word Saudade - which is Portuguese.  It's pronounced like Soul dodge from everything I can gather.  The meaning of the word is that is used to describe a deep longing for something that either doesn't exist, or did once. It is a love that remains after someone is gone.  Yearning for that person or thing.  You wondering the significance in me telling you about that?  Well, I don't know.  I just thought it was kinda cool and thought I'd share.

Side note . . .(as if it's not all side notes)  Decided today that I am not going to go through my graduation ceremony in December, but maybe I'll have a party instead.  Will be nice to get through this program, but when you're just entering another one, it's not that grand of a thing.

Monday, September 3, 2012

So far. . .

This weekend has been very nice.  I have to say all you strange rain haters...STOP being like that.  Enjoy each drop, and stop acting like rain is so bad.  We've went months without the stuff, so enjoy it.  So I'm so tired of the "we built it" thing - taken out of context and then ramped up.  I don't care if you are republican or democrat, but at least don't be stupid about it.  KNOW what was said and how it was said, and then comment on it accordingly.  Don't just say "we built it".  LAME! It doesn't work, because most intelligent people know what was actually said, and acting like it was something else is ridiculous.  I have followed politics way more this year, thanks to Jon Stewart and Colbert, but seriously I know there is a slant there, I'm not stupid.  So...if I was sure that someone said something WRONG, I'd investigate it and find out what was really said, before making a  fool of myself.  Now...I have to say, legitimate rape, that is something to talk about.  REALLY?  REALLY? Because you know there are those times when a woman gets pregnant, so if that happens then she can't have an abortion because that rape must have been "legitimate".  Which by the way means that she must have wanted it, or her uterus wouldn't have allowed her to get pregnant.  SERIOUSLY?  OMG..That is the most crazy and nutty thing I have ever heard...Now mind you I'm sure that Mr. Todd Akin knows the scoop.  He is a man and I'm sure has a doctor's degree, *j/k, but I don't buy it...seriously - Check out this idiot.  

Okay so, other than being a republican he is not Romney, so don't think I'm saying he is.  I just think that dude is a freakin' moron.

Spent Saturday with some cool kids and then yesterday with Lucy, Sarah, Roy and Nanette and Will.  Some great people both days.  Thanks to all and thanks to Will and Nanette for an awesome day.  Love you both.
Okay - One more day..Heading to Lafayette again, cuz I can't get enough of that place.  Love you all.
Jess

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Late night...

Okay so I found out on my way home that an old friend.. Boyfriend actually.. Passed away Friday.. Eerily I had talked about him with a friend late Saturday night. I have some fond and some definite not so fond memories of my life back then. It's not like I ever thought I'd talk to or see him again, but he died.. I mean.. He's dead now.. Really dead.. I get that everyone dies.. More in the last year or so then I have ever gotten it, but I am feeling old and sad.. Probably more sad then I should be.. Sorry I am rambling but this is my blog, and so don't read it if it bothers you. Jami.. I love you.. I've taken my trip down memory lane, and the time I spent with you back then were some of the best.. Al wasn't the greatest choice back then, but he was.... Tall.. Haha.. Jami let's get together soon..
Man, I need to work harder at keeping people I love so much in my life.

Today I was wondering what I want to be when it's all done.. What do I want to be when I grow up? I have no clue.. I keep taking strange paths.. If someone had told me a few years ago that I'd own a all business and that business was teaching kids how to be more dramatic.... I would have laughed.. If someone had said that I'd be entering the masters program with no clue what I actually want to do after.. I wouldn't have believed it.. If someone had told me I was going to want California,. Yeah I might have believed that..

Strange paths.. I think I love that about me.. I keep myself guessing for sure..
Hey so u know what is true.. You can really only love someone else after you love yourself.. So I've been thinking about all this Damn love I have for all of mankind and of course I love you most.. But I am so glad I'm at peace with how wonderful I am, so that i can love you this much.. Heehee

Yeah I know... I'm just messing.. And now you're thinking was she really writing that for me.. Or was it for.... Hmm.. Don't worry I do realize I'm not the only person that loves me this much.. You keep coming back so you must love me too..

Yeah so now this is getting mighty ridiculous.. I should try to sleep
Gnite

Yes! My new favorite fruit. . .


I know, right?  The pluot is one of those weird fruits where the name pluot still doesn't even have a place in most spell checkers, yet, I love it SO much.  They have also been called "plumcots".  Pluots are a hybrid fruit crossed apricots and plums, and let me tell you they are fantastic.  I think that they should try to add grapes into the mix.  I've had about 10 different pluots now and none have tasted exactly alike, they are all a strange mix of tart and sweetness.  I haven't been this excited about a food since Chobani.  I'm gonna have to buy a bunch of these and freeze them so that I can have them all year.

Today I start reading a new book.  "Paul Apostle of the Heart Set Free" by F. F. Bruce.  I'm strangely excited about that.  I was trying to come up with plans for Sunday.  Originally was thinking the Indianapolis Rib America Fest, but it looks like there is a huge chance of rain all weekend.  I'm not complaining though. Waking up to a rainy morning is exquisite when you have no where you have to be (especially when it is cool and the smell is wafting in your window).  So maybe an afternoon small gathering at the house with some good eats and music indoors.  Regardless of what you do, as long as you're with the right people, all is great.

Okay, on to another pet peeve.  Sitting here blogging this, and hearing someone literally hacking.  If you are that sick, freaking stay home.  I do NOT want to sound like you in a few days, and besides that hacking people make me feel like puking.  It's GROSS to hear; no one likes it, so shut your door or something to make yourself STOP it.

okay - love ya all, except the hacking guy.

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