Sunday, October 28, 2012

Activities . . .

I am one of those weird people that always have to be busy.  I have to have things to keep myself busy at all times.  Used to be a few weeks ago, that feels like forever ago now, that I had a full time job during the day that kept me busy and then the evenings were filled with other activities.  Now, I have: painting bedrooms, and doors, and looking for a job, and organizing some things, and getting new cabinet pulls and school of course.  It's just weird that I still try to fill every moment with something during the day.  Neo says relax and enjoy this, and I say, whoa I'm bored.  So, not sure mentally why that is, or what the problem is with me, but there is definitely an issue there.

Anyway on to the weekend.  This weekend has BEEN so AWESOME.  Went and got Sheila to surprise Jennifer and even though the kids got back late Friday it's been great.  We stayed up late Friday, got up early yesterday and went Paintballing, then a party at my house, and then a not so haunted maze..but it was still fun.  I have to say that Paintballing with Jenn, Zach, Adrian, Garrett, Sheila, Sarah, Roy, Kyle and Tyler was TONS of fun  I LOVE it.  I really want to do that again, and soon.  Yes, I do have a few bruises and I'm sure we all do, but I swear I love that adrenaline rush.  Good times.  Then we came back to my house (Kyle got a ticket) and we had some great grill food thanks to Neo.  Had others stop by including Lucy Lou and Dad and family, Mom and Laura.  Zach had a fantastic bday party.  I can't believe he's gonna be 13 in a few days.

Last year i blogged about his preemie birth, but it is weird how he can be so Clifford the Big Red dog like.  He's such a tall boy and you'd never know that he was so so small once.  Thanks to St. Vincent's NICU and so many prayers.  Such a happy and healthy...Teenager??>>>'ll be driving before I know it.

Taking Jenn back today and I plan to have some fun with that, too.  But first, some Arni's...Yay!

Love you all.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Productive Days. . .

I love it when a plan comes together..
Cleaned out most of the upstairs room (junk) today.  Now we have another guest room.
Continued working on my novel.  Coming right along.
Did some career builder searches, and sent resume to a few more contacts.
Texted with my kids of course...Missing them all.
Went into Zach's room and opened the closet door (HUGE mistake)..Doing his laundry now. YUCK! Boys are gross..
Invited some more friends over for the weekends activities.
Bug guy came and sprayed.
Downloaded Zombies Run...yeah I think I want to start it soon.

Thought about finishing the cabinets, nah..not today..
Going for a walk at 6
Going to Arni's for dinner...

I loved being able to stay in bed this morning..while it was was cozy...
Everyday I get a little more happy.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Response. . .

Blogger Manatow said...
There is always more than one reality. And most people think their perception of reality is the "True Reality."

You cannot be a truely wise and HAPPY person until it is clear to you, as a person, that your own personal thoughts of reality are not necessarily the true reality.

I decided to just blog an entire blog response to this.
I agree that reality is not the same for everyone.  But what strikes me about your comment is that you say "you cannot be truly wise and Happy" Until til i agree that everyone has a different reality?  I can be content and happy in any form I wish and I am enjoying my perception and my reality.
I know that everyone has their own world that they're in charge of.  I also know that my world is what I want it to be.  If I say I'm going to drop everything and paint everything Yellow and be happy...and I choose to make that happen, then who are you to say that I cannot.  I have a feeling you are someone I know, and that's great and if you're not, sorry, but you became someone tangled in my "thoughts".
Wisdom is not something I even claim to have.  My grandpa was wise, and I'll never get there.  I just want to live and enjoy this life no matter what happens.  I want today to be a great day, and tomorrow, but I'm thinking about this as a one day at a time type of thing right now.
So, Gary loved your response to my blog, even though I'm not sure how it fit so much into me trying to get over a HUGE loss.  Gary said, that sounds Zen and Buddhist.  So Props for winning the heart of my man.  I thought about how to respond to this last night for like an hour, because I do NOT have nearly as much going on in my life these days.  If you were referring to my "idiot" comment, then you obviously do not know what I know, and your reality may be different but mine is right and yours is harm done. ;)

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

My decisions. . .

I'm a huge believer in you make your day and your happiness.

So I'm gonna run down the last few days for you.

Friday - I was let go. . . I had a lock-in to contend with at LBBT which I was in charge of, and I was quite sure that a sleepover of a bunch of kids were not what I was in the mood for.  Well thanks to a Landlord and some screaming kids, it didn't go off as planned anyhow.

Saturday - What a boring day.  Gary tried hard to "fix" things, by taking me to Cheese Cake Factory and I had tyler with me until afternoon, but it was a hard day.  David did text me and in one of them he said he loved me without knowing about my Friday at all.  Zach was a big cuddle bug which was nice, but I felt like something HUGE was missing.

Sunday - Went to my brother's house, and while I tried hard to enjoy myself and Lucy, I still felt like I was off.  I found my mind wandering to the "what now's" a lot, but Gary made sure to let me know that evening that no matter what, we're good.

Monday - Well yesterday was a little better, besides figuring out that my replacement had already been hired and knew someone I thought I was close with.  I felt betrayed a lot, but as I stated last night when mom stopped by to try to make it "better"..None of that matters now anyway.  Everything is. . .It just I have to decide what I want now.

Tuesday - I woke up refreshed and laid in bed until nearly 10am.  I wrote a list of things to do, and have been knocking them out.  My bathroom is clean like it hasn't been in years, and now I'm gonna start on the kitchen.  I have homework to do and a job to look for.  I'm kinda excited today..I am almost feeling relieved and am happy that Gary gets that I need alone time sometimes.  I still am going to really miss miss miss some wonderful people, but I'm good.  I'm really good.  And I'm wonderful, let's not forget that.
I decided today that I don't want to be down or upset or numb or whatever, I want to be Me ... the me that I am really comfy with...the one that is confident and knows that idiots exist and sometimes they're even in charge these days, but all I can do is shrug my shoulders and say.."whatever"...

Love the day!

Monday, October 15, 2012

New beginnings. . .

So those of you that know me know that I am one of the most loyal people.  I'm a loyal and loving friend, and once I love you, I love you.  It doesn't really change so much.  People could argue that I am divorced, so what about him???well I was never really "in love" with him, but I do still love him.  He's the father of my children.    Now. . . I don't know how many of you know this or not.  But recently, my life has taken a big turn...probably a much needed turn.  I've been with Wabash for a LONG time, and we decided to part ways.  Mostly they decided, but that's okay, I'm only bitter towards one person.  For now, I'll keep that to myself.  Sometimes people are really just a little evil, and I really feel sorry for this person for he will never know love, the kind of love that I do know.  

Okay I have to tell you all something interesting.. Every now and then right now I really enjoy alone time.  I'm not sure how I feel about life right now.  I'm deciding what I want to do next.  I spent about 20 minutes outside today just laying on the porch thinking and enjoying the warmth of the sun.  I have never really enjoyed alone time, but the last few days, I've almost craved it.

oh btw..gary says, kiss my ass..

Anyway back to this..I need to decide how big of a risk taker I am.  I am deciding this right now though, I will never answer to someone in my life again that I have no respect for and that I truly deem an idiot.  If I choose to work for someone again, or someone wants me to work for them, I want them to at least be able to put a sentence together without having to ask for help.  

I'm about half way through a book that I'm going to seriously take a few weeks to give a real shot at.  After that, I'll seriously start working on getting a job.  
Today was weird.  I did think of all the things that I no longer have to think about, and that is NICE.  There is definitely a small sense of relief that is starting, but still more of a "what now" feeling.  I have faith and trust in myself that I'll figure it all out.  

There are a few of you that I will really really miss, but I believe we'll stay in touch.  

Love you.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Reactions . . .

Okay I admit it..
I say and do a lot of things just to get a reaction.  Often times, I just want to see your face when I say this next off the cuff thing...This blogging thing really doesn't help me with that, but I imagine.  I have a very vivid imagination...

I don't really think that vampires, werewolves, zombies, monsters, and the like are real, but I do like playing like they are.  Some people like playing online games, I like my make believe world where I get bitten by a vampire and then fight off bad vampires, werewolves and all zombies with my killing tools and soon a bow and arrow.

I also really do believe we've been to the moon; I just believe that the Transformers crashed on the dark side too.

I'm not even going to talk about how old the Earth don't get me started..

Today's Would you Rather:
Would you rather be a vampire or a werewolf, and why?  I personally don't want to smell like wet dog EVER, so that's one reason I would choose vampire.  Being a vampire in a Zombie Apocalypse could suck though (or lack there of sucking)...might starve actually..if too many people turn to Zombies, who's blood are you going to drink..wouldn't want to suck on a yucky Zombie.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Green eggs and ham...

Check out some cool new socks ill be sporting one of tomorrow

So today's would you rather made me think a little. Would you rather be able to tell when someone is lying for sure every time? Or be able to lie without anyone ever being able to tell or figure it out?

I thought about this a while.. I am not sure I want to know when everyone is lying.. Sometimes a small lie might make me feel okay wearing the clothing I have on.. I think it would be kinda cool to be able to lie and no one know or calling me out... Problem is I don't like lies.. I think they tend to do worse in the long run.. I'm very open, even about my feelings and some would say to a fault.. So would say it's refreshing.. I just say it's easier to be honest and to try to love and try to live by that.. Hasn't failed me too badly yet..

I am sorry for my sad blog yesterday, but those of you that know me... Really know me... Know that I handled the day much better than I could have..

Posted on Facebook but I need to make sure that everyone knows this.. I really do love you all and I thank you for your interest..
Snot is running down the back of my throat again.. And sneezing both sucks and gives my wonderful feelings all at once..

Monday, October 8, 2012

Happy Birthday Grandpa. . .

Never ever will a day go by, where I won't be thankful that you were my Grandpa.  I hope when you see me from where ever your spirit waits to be taken to your Heaven, that you are always as proud to have me as a grandchild as I was to have you as a Pa.

I remember so many stories, and so many happy times.  The good so outweighed the bad.  I will never forget your laugh and your smiling eyes.  It's weird when someone so close to you dies, and it feels like they're still around when you remember them.  This is how it is with both you and Grandma.  I feel your presence like you are still here, but I can't actually see or touch you.  You were there for me when I felt like the earth was moving from under my feet like no one else has ever been.  You were my carpenter and one of my greatest loves.  Forever Pa, I love me too..

Sunday, October 7, 2012

some reviews. . .

This weekend was a fantastic one.  I really enjoyed having some me and Neo time.

I'm going to review a few things in this blog...

First of all, I just finished the book "The Book Thief".  Honestly, I have to say...the ending made me cry a few times, but the book overall was absolutely GREAT.  It is about a girl named Liesel Meminger in the time frame of World War II in the small town of Molching German, which is outside Munich.  The book is told from the viewpoint of Death (narrated by - which sounds weird, but it really works well).  The book follows Liesel's life and her adventures in book thievery.  I would give it a must read or listen, and give it past the first few chapters cuz it starts off a little slow.

Second, Gary and I saw the movie "The Perks of Being a Wallflower".  Oh my goodness.  I really liked this movie.  It was about a boy starting his freshmen year of high school, with all the normal fears, but he also had a rough year the year before.  Charlie is through the movie writing letters to a "friend"  -  I don't want to spoil it for anyone.  It is a tear jerker, too, but not in the traditional way.  Charlie finds his way hanging with some misfit teens..

Okay - Now a question....Do you think that Rock/Country/Pop is really that different?  So for instance, I love the Eagles, but they do sound a lot country.  Gary doesn't like what he calls "pop" music, but who decides what is pop and what is Rock, cuz I think they cross lines.  We actually had a conversation/discussion about this for at least an hour last night.  I just think it's one of those things that is subjective.

Spent the day with some awesome kids..and some okay adults...Now I have my little family here all together again, and that is nice too..

One more thing about my date last night...Gary and I went to PF Changs last night and I learned something about myself.  I both love and hate horseradish sauce...I love it ... and then I hate it and then I love it's so weird...I like the initial taste, then it kills me....(like you wanna scream a minute) and then I can't wait to feel that again...Is that not the weirdest thing EVER?  I know..

Now for my would you rather....

Would you rather be a Jew in Germany during World War II, or someone that loved all?  Would you rather be the persecuted or be the one who can't help them but loves the persecuted?

Love you all..

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Would you rather series. . .

So I was thinking about how to spice up my blog a little, and I think I've decided I'm going to ask a simple would you rather question and then answer it.  I will continue to add my thoughts of course, because it wouldn't be my blog without those.  Just like any good relationship though, there is some give and take, so I really would like to hear your replies on my "would you rathers"

Okay so for the first one, I thought maybe I'd ask this question?  Would you rather. . . .

Okay - so...I know all the men in my life would love if I looked like that, but I really do like myself.  I'm not saying I feel like I'm perfect by any means, but I think if I looked in the mirror and saw that face, I might not be able to function.  I enjoy me; the non-shallow looks don't matter me.  Plus if I looked like that, guys would like me for all the wrong reasons.  So I have to say honestly, if I could change the way I look I would want to do it by working out and making myself more fit, but I don't think I would choose the super model.  Ah heck, who am I kidding..If I were changing looks alone, I might go for that.  If I had to change to someone else's personality along with it...yeah I'd stay me.

I am a girl.  This is a thought I've had a few times in the last two days.  I like things like boys do.  I like football and drinking and well all kinds of boy stuff, but I am a girl with girl emotions and girl feelings.  I think sometimes boys think I don't let everything bother me like other girls, well sometimes this is true...and sometimes it's not.  I like to cook and to smell nice and to be complimented and to cuddle and shop and well telling me that you love me just sometimes isn't always good enough...sometimes, maybe dependent on the day of the month, I want to hear it more often, cuz I can be needy just like other girls..So sorry for that boys, but I do..

Sometimes life gives you oreos..Sometimes it gives you poo.. I guess all you can do is hope for an oreo day. ;) - and yes..that was mine..

Monday, October 1, 2012

Do you remember. . . ?

When you were young...
I saw you and it was truly love at first sight.
You were so awesome, and the reason for my life, quickly.
Do you remember going to county market, and getting me in trouble when you threw a fit that I wasn't your Mommy?
Do you remember when we played Zelda together from beginning to end?
Do you remember kisses and hugs?
Do your remember how much I love you?
Do your remember me reading the first Harry Potter book, so that we could connect and have something to talk about?
Do you remember me begging you to stay the night in the apartment?
Do you remember me getting upset when you wouldn't text me back?
Do you remember me making several trips to Bloomington/Normal to see you?  Graduation included?
Do you remember me coming to Grayslake and staying at a water park hotel and having you stay with us to see YOU before you left?
Do you remember me having no cash, but figuring out a way to get to Texas to see you graduate basic and putting a couple hundred dollars towards a laptop..(credit, cuz I didn't have the funds)?
I promise, I will never give up on you.  I will always always love you.  I know life hasn't always been easy on you my sweet.  Please, give up on the thought that I don't love you as much as your siblings, and know that I do...Know that I just love you differently, but not less.  You were my first true love and I will never ever let you go. I hope you have a happy 21st birthday.  Be safe.