Friday, September 28, 2012


Sometimes I think I have all kinds of stuff figured out and then... Poof... I know nothing again.. Isn't that weird? There are about 15 maybe 20 people in my inner most circle that know that peace is hard to come by for me. This morning was so hard to get out of bed.. Not only was I stepping into a catastrophic situation this morning that seemed to have no bright spot but also my lungs are now infected with the head snot infection... So coughing is happening more.. I should say unproductive coughing... Ewwee.. I made some calls though about my graduation and funding for the upcoming masters program.. And that made my morning a little brighter.. Then it took a downturn for a while... And it made me think.. Why why why why... Why am I not trying harder in a few key areas... Why do I even care about one person having hateful feelings towards me... I mean geezz everyone does not have to like me.. Kinda some uncharted waters there for me tho cuz there really are very few people I cannot connect with on some level.. Dude I am pretty great after all..
Anyway after a long day.. Of sickness and worry I get to go hang out with a bunch of LBBT kids for family fun night. And tomorrow I GET to work inventory... Oh and let's not forget I still have homework I need to do by midnight. And you ask why I'm bogging instead of doing homework now? I got home and zach was playing and gary was working... And I'm sitting on the couch resting before the LBBT experience... Yup so I decided to talk to myself like this basically..
Today on my way to work I flipped down my visor and my gma/gpa picture popped down... It reminded me that none of this.. Daily stuff... Matters at all in the grand scheme of things.. Yup you guessed it.. All that matters is the love we show one another.. All that matters is that we take care of each other and love.. And so.. With that I'll say "I love you all dearly".

Thursday, September 27, 2012


Let's talk about what that means. Is being a non-conformist someone who doesn't hang out with others? Nope.. That's a non-social person or someone who may think they're too good to hang out with others. A non-conformist is someone who chooses not to go for the norm just to go for the norm. A non-conformist is someone that questions why certain things happen and decide to go against the grain, but they could be totally social people. Saying I choose not to do this cuz all of you do it doesn't make you a non-conformist unless there is something we're doing that we don't want to be doing. Conformity means that I am somehow doing something only because it's expected but not because the person wants to.

Something else... It would be great if people had my back.. Just saying.. It would be great if I felt like I was actually...... Cared for..

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Gobbelty Gook. . .

People can hurt you.  People that you trust, and people that you love can and do hurt you sometimes.  How do you move from that hurt spot?  How do you decide you aren't going to let it depress you for a long time? I don't know.  Honestly, I don't know.  It seems like when things get rough, they get compounded quickly by all the other stuff in the world.  I know it has to be about the attitude.  When you're feeling negative, it seems easy to dwell on the negative maybe.  Anyway, I have decided I can't go back to being a person that is insecure and sad, and I won't.  I can't change you or make you happy.  That is for you to do.  I can only love you through it.
So enuf of that.

My thoughts are random again today..can't stay on one thing too long...
Some of the hardest things you will ever have to do, are seriously yucky.  Matters of the heart are always hard for me, personal and professionally.

I did decide today to do Zach's bday party at Indy Acres Paintball.  Woot! Excited about that one.

Yeah, so boys...are sometimes dumb..don't forget that girls..Not that I don't love 'em...still dumb..

Sunday, September 23, 2012

iphone 5...

My assessment...
Same phone different size..

I like the size don't get me wrong, but I don't see the appeal.  If you didn't like Apple so much before, it's not something that will reel you in now.  The screen is pretty and it's a little longer which gives the appearance of sleeker than the iphone 4 and also gives the appearance of skinnier somehow, but the width is the same.  The phone is thinner in depth though, and that is nice also.  I like the colors better than the iPhone 4, considering the two tone black on back, and the phone does seem to run a bit faster and smoother.
With all that said, for me, nothing GREAT and new and wonderful.  I know that Gary did order a new Nano though, so I'll give my opinions on that in a few days.  It made me think...I have a nano that I never use.

Gonna do some homework now, NEVER ending homework.  "hey jess, what's your sunday look like?"  - "well I don't feel good (thinking tomorrow might be a Unity visit), stressed about work stuff, and OH yeah, I have homework to do, and I'm going to LBBT in a little bit to meet with my partner on some planning stuff"..
Love you all.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Joys of Cheese. . . .

Well it got you in the door, didn't it.

I am pretty excited about some upcoming events.

Please check out the Fall events for LBBT.
Next Friday is a Fun Night.  Oct 12th = Lock-In
Fall session II starts Oct 8.

1.  Gonna ship my oldest son (even though he doesn't talk to me anymore) some alcohol for his 21st birthday which is right around the corner. 21...yeah...that 5 year is 21 in a week in a few days..and doesn't apparently remember what loving me means...If you happen to read this, David Alexander, I will ALWAYS love you.

2.  Halloween is coming!!  Zach's favorite time of year, and that always makes me happy.  Gonna plan a 13th birthday bash for him of some kind...scary Halloweeny.  My BABY is almost a true teenager.  Weird right...2lbs 10ozs..15 inches long..and now..a size 13.5 MENS shoe..and

3.  I can wear sweatshirts with my jeans for comfort again.  I love fall and spring so much.

4.  I have an iPhone 5 that I'm gonna play with this weekend.

5.  My life is so busy, but so perfect right now.  Lots of good friends and family and love to surround myself with.  It is nice to be in love with my best friend.  You know is just awesome...

6.  2 more weeks of doubled classes, and I will have a small break.  It doesn't mean no classes, but only one for a few weeks...That alone will feel like a relief.  - few more months, and I get to start all of this again..exciting huh?

7.  Emily told me that she will do a Spring full production . . . . YAY!  I am stoked about that.

8.  My friend, Laura, is happy about a job she's starting.  Congrats, Babe. Love ya.

9.  Lunch is at Little Mexico today, and I want cheese.

10.  Went out to the plant and toured some stuff today...It was fascinating..You'd think when a person has been here as long as I have, that things like that wouldn't be some darn exciting but they are.

11.  I decided yesterday..That I am so in charge of EVERYTHING in my life.  I can DO whatever I want to.  I know that sounds silly, but what I mean is...if you're being emo and I don't want to listen to you, I won't any longer.  If I am tired, I will sleep.  If I am over it, then I'll just be done with it.  Sorry about your feelings, but I don't need you clouding my judgment. (That is to lots of people, so don't take it totally personally)

I love you my Jennifer and Gary..since I think you two might be the only ones reading these days.

I'll let you all know the ends and outs of the iphone 5 later today or tomorrow prolly.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

today's thoughts. . .

I guess I don't have much that I don't share with everyone.  Sure we all have a few skeletons in the closet, but I a pretty open person a lot.  I suppose that is because I really like me, and I figure others should know me and like me, too.  

What circle am I in to you?  Interestingly enough, I put lots of people in that Friends circle or even closer.

I was thinking of reasons people might not want to be as open with another person:
Fear of conflicts
Don't be afraid to say you disagree.  Some conflict with people is healthy. You might think people in good relationships should not argue. You might think if you tell people how you are really feeling if you are upset or angry they will be hurt.
Can't be emotional
Maybe, you think you shouldn't have negative feelings like anger, jealousy, anxiety act. Well, you should be more mature and more rational, cuz if you were you would be able to control your feelings. I'd be willing to bet that other people will not see you as weak if they find out how you are feeling.
Please don't reject me!
Are you are so terrified of rejection or being disapproved of that you'd rather keep your feelings bottled up rather than making someone mad at you? Guess what, you don't have to please other people and meet everyone's expectations.  Maybe you should trust me enough to be able to share what your feelings and ideas and thoughts are.
Self Esteem Issues
How much do you love yourself?  Do you believe you are not entitled to express your feelings or ask others for what you want? Sometimes people just stink...Love yourself enough to not worry about what others think of you.  If a person is real, they will respect you more for being you.  A true friend will even love you when you're being a butthead.
Don't you just KNOW!
Why can't he/she just read your mind? Geezz.. (Okay, yeah I am DEFINITELY guilty of this, that's why I had to include it).  Maybe HE is not insensitive and maybe he does care, but maybe he doesn't know what you want him to do/say. 

      ***Girls - Really that one is for you and me, cuz I have been here so many times.  I think sometimes Guys are just really dumb, and you have to help them out.  Give them a break, and guess that they really don't know what you want from them.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

The weekend...

Whoa all of those involved in my weekend know how crazy but great it has been. Started with the Mraz concert with some awesome kids.. From there the car had issues and then a great day yesterday... LBBT performance and a party at Jess' and... My Lucy said "Aunt Jess" so that i could hear her... It was very clear, too. I love that kid..
Also was surrounded with good peeps all night.. Some family and some friends.. Lots of love to all that made the day great..
Apparently though I had some issues after everyone left.. The funny kind but not really appropriate for bloggin..
This morning we got up early.. Train to Chicago and after some Navy Pier and Millennium Park.. On a train now back to Lafayette.. So.. Now I'll complain a little.. Sore throat.. Sore leg.. Sore foot and walking in flip flops like an idiot.. Welcome to my world..
Okay so I go to get zach a charger for his phone at the Verizon store and the lady there starts explaining to me first the surge protector one and then when I told her I would be fine with an off brand she started lecturing me on how off brands can hurt your battery... Really?? No.. But nice selling point.. I didn't like her at all.. Went to a cool (the coolest actually) target ever today... Really neat.. Chicago does have cool stores..
I'm all over the place but what's new.. Oh yeah... Go Colts!
Now I was thinking I want a giant turtle in my yard... A human sized yard ornament turtle..
Also I would like to do some archery I think and I want to go to a casino in Indiana.. Started a bucket list of sorts.. I love experience with new stuff.. And i wanna do all kinds of things so... I think I'm gonna get a bow and arrow...

Thursday, September 13, 2012


I really like yellow and orange..
Blue and red are nice, too.

Yellow fills me with an inner peace though..
Like being in love or clean fresh sheets.
It makes things happen to me.. I'm not even sure why.. It just feels happy..
Also like the smell of fresh cut grass.. What an awesome smell... And the smell of rain.. Awwee.. I love that smell.

Sometimes I stress a lot. I wear myself pretty thin, and my coping mechanism for the stress is or has been people. I surround myself with 'em. Also though I used to work out which helped so much. I really need to do that again... Next week.. Starting again next week..
Right now I'm sitting at the LBBT and writing this on my phone. Waiting for the break I am between classes so that i can talk a bit with my business partner.. Always something going on, and I know I couldn't be happy any other way. I just need to figure out how to manage the stress better I think..
Sometimes at work I hold my pee until I literally feel like I'm going to explode.. (I know that was random... But these are my random thoughts)
Sometimes I cry and sleep with a stuffed bear... Only sometimes but it does happen..
Sometimes people are fantastic and show me that they do really care..
Sometimes my life is whoa so interesting.. I can't believe I live it.
Jenn is going to skydive with Zach and I...
Yup these were mostly random thoughts.. Oh and I have new wooden sunglasses.. They are too cool..
I love you.. And i care.. And you are special..

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

So..Here we are. . .

At someone's request recently I started working on a 5 year plan.  Wow! For me that is one difficult thing to do.  I really like flying by the seat of my pants.  I like living in the moment and for today, and yeah, even though Gary used to act like I was too centered on the tomorrows, and the what-ifs, I have never really wanted to actually PLAN future things.  I guess I have always felt like without a PLAN there would be no consequence, or rather no disappointment.  If I didn't plan to be the head of some huge corporation or for retirement at 35, when I hit 35, I wouldn't be so disappointed.  It's worked nicely, with my rose colored spectacles on.
I know there are times that what you want isn't something that is feasible at the time, but that doesn't mean you can't want, wait and wish for it.   I have recently decided that CA is really a pipe dream for us, and that's okay.  Indiana is blah blah..but whatevs...I need to think of what is most important for Zach.  I have a lot of "what's most important for Zach"..It's important that I don't move him away from his father, and that I don't move him to an area where things would be bad for him.  It's important to know his friends, and his life...I do here...I can do that for him...That doesn't mean that I won't put CA in a 10 year plan or longer but it's definitely not in the 5 year.   Okay so that part was fairly easy for me to come up with.  Basically, I just had to weigh it.
The Bigger Question: OH my gosh...what do I want to do in my life?  What do I want to be?  Do I want to write?  Do I want to be a manager?  What would make me truly happy?  I love the fact that someone asked me some hard questions, that I didn't have answers to.  I just feel like it compounded my every day stress by a zillion...almost panicked over the fact that I am getting a ten million dollar degree with no FREAKIN' idea what I want to do with it. So all this is happening, and someone (a VP) says to me today . . . ."Jessica, I have to tell you that you are the most approachable person I have ever met."   Overall today was a decent enough day, but on my drive home with the windows down, and the radio up and the dancing and sending a few messages (arrest me)...I thought about how I ALWAYS want to be that person.  The person that people like and want to come to about stuff.  I always want to be in some sort of service job.  I was MADE to interact with people; I'm good at it, and gosh darn it people like me.  Of course, I like them too..Too many and too much, this is why some of my besties feel like I am mad at them if we don't talk for a few days.     I'm sorry, Laura, you're fantastic and I would let you know if you ever did anything to upset me before I blog about it.  Promise!  I also have a problem with burying myself in too much work.  Too many things going on all at once and it's making me a little crazy at times.
One thing that I say a lot, and I mean it, and people seem to think that its cliche or whatever, I do love you.  I am quite certain I was born in the wrong decade.  

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Full day memories . . .

I think it's weird when there are days that you can remember so clearly like they happened yesterday.  Those types of days are very few also.

I remember and can replay the entire event of finding out my cousin had died in a car crash.
I remember and can replay the events leading up to the emergency c-section and having Zach.
I remember the day that David first called me Mom and how uncertain I was that I could be a Mom to anyone.  I love you David.  I wish I still felt like you loved me.
I remember the day I found out that my Gma had cancer and was most likely not going to live through it.
I remember Sept. 11th, 2001 from morning until evening.

Sept 11th, 2001 - Zach was almost 2, and he and I were home together.  I switched on the TV, as I was walking through the living room, and saw a breaking news flash.  I sat down and watched as the second plane hit live.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  My dad was laid-off from work during this time, and I called him.  He said he was coming over, and there was such sadness in his voice.  While I was waiting on him to arrive, I called Pleasant Hill elementary where both David and Jennifer were in attendance.  I remember the lady explaining to me that they were in Lock-down and that meant no one in and no one out.  My heart was probably beating a million miles a minute, while I demanded access to my children to no avail.  My dad arrived and talked sense in me, as we watched the TV coverage.  It felt like no matter how many times and how much coverage there was, I could not get enough.  It was like the biggest national tragedy was unfolding right before our eyes.  I went to the school, and I apparently was not alone in the anger that our children weren't accessible.  They released early, and I got to bring home a couple of kids that had watched too much without a Mommy at the school. In hindsight, I understand what they were thinking, it was just something I wish the kids could have been with me through.  It's not as if I could have explained it any better than the school did.

I remember feeling bad that I was happy that my family was safe.  I remember crying and praying for families  and hugging mine.

Thanks to the Firefighters.
Thanks to the Military.  Thanks to my David and his Wife, Amber.
Thanks to the Police.
Thanks to Everyone that works to protect and keep us safe.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Posts about Saul/Paul . . .

Interesting stuff to me. . .

As most of you know...I attend Indiana Wesleyan, and currently I'm in a class about the Life and Letters of Paul.

I thought it was very interesting that Luke records that Paul claims to be born a Roman twice in Acts, also how weird that he was a Pharisee.  I guess this is something I never fathomed.  
The book I'm reading about Paul by F.F. Bruce is very interesting.  Paul was a prosecutor and it was very unlikely that he would all of the sudden start following the teachings of Christ.  I find it interesting also that Paul didn’t meet with the apostles for quite some time to hear about the actual teachings of Christ.  I guess, I always assumed that he knew more of Jesus’ life when he was teaching before he went back Jerusalem.  Paul went to Arabia after his conversion to teach or maybe to meditate, who knows, but he hadn’t met with Peter or James at that point. 
I’m curious, and I know that this may not be the place for this, but it is a discussion board.  I didn’t really realize how detached Paul was from the life of Jesus and the life of the apostles.  Why did the apostles believe him at all?  Why wouldn’t they just think that he was some quack who was trying to perform miracles or gain fame for himself?  
I found out that Paul had a physical ailment. (Not sure what it was, but an ailment that Jesus would not take away) It made me start thinking about what the ailment could be.  I know that some think it may have been epilepsy, but it could have been something as simple as a crossed eye.
The idea of Paul being a “mystic” was one I had not really heard, but it made me think of a nomad that walked around to places and spoke of miracles unheard.  Probably would have been awesome to meet him or listen to his teachings. 
It’s so interesting that Jesus chose Paul to be an apostle.  Paul was a man that was okay with other men being stoned to death for crimes that were not even crimes.  Paul was a man that thought he was better than others, yet after realizing so completely the mistakes he made, he spent the rest of his life making up for it.  The other night I watched “American History X” and the main character of that movie somehow made me think of Paul and the persecution by all he had known when he learned the truth.  So, the main character in that movie is overcome by hatred based on race, but after years and prison he changes and is redeemed.  He gets out of prison and tries to change his old gang members, but mostly his brother.  I, as a woman and a mother, do not like how the movie ends, but the character in the movie had so much to overcome.  I see that person as being closely related to how I see Paul and his conversion.   

One of my classmates just told me that the physical ailment that is mentioned apparently kept Paul from writing most of his own letters..So this leads me to question the validity of the letters at all?  How do we assume that the writings were from Paul at all?

Anyone have these answers?

Friday, September 7, 2012

Where do I fit . . .

Lately - I've been struggling with subjects to write about.  I'm tired of saying the same old thing...Love each other, be merry.  So what to write about this time????

17 Days until my copy of the Avengers... OH YEAH - And Sunday Football...I'm so so so so so excited about that too...seriously..Colts/Bears - oh who to root for....yeah duh..I'm a Colts Fan first, Broncos Second..and then da Bears.

I am watching a movie called "Acts" - yes the biblical book of Acts is the movie (NIV word for word).  I have many times read and studied this book through the years (not just saying this, I really have).  Anyway...I'm not just studying Acts of my own free will this time, I have a class "Life and Letters of Paul" in which the movie is a part.  I know, right...So you're thinking I'm going all Bible thumper or something, well I'm not, but I do have my beliefs and convictions that have been tested very recently.  I love the story of Jesus and the Apostles.  I love the leadership and the fellowship and the LOVE that is the story.  I love that Stephen (who I think is my favorite) didn't hold back and died for stating what was needed to be said.  The New Testament in general tells me to  be who you are and to love each other through anything and everything.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

I said today and I meant it. . . All that really matters are relationships and people...everything else is cake (didn't say that part then, but it's true)..

What is the right thing to do?  How do I separate my personal feelings from my professional?  How do I walk that tight rope?  Why are my feelings so visible on my face (guess you don't need to be able to read my mind)? Why do I let some things hurt my feelings and others role off?  How do I become hard like other people?   - - - Yeah I really do ask myself these questions a LOT.
“It's not about what it is, it's about what it can become.” 
― Dr. SeussThe Lorax

All I can do is be the best that I can be.  I can only work hard to be a decent person and treat others the way I want them to treat me.  I know I do things wrong, I know that I'm never gonna be perfect, and I know that I love you.
Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, Nothing is going to get better. It's not.” 
― Dr. SeussThe Lorax

Why all the Dr. Seuss you ask, cuz he got it.  That's why.  This blog seems scattered a bit, but my mind is too.  Sorry.  Love you dearly.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Creative Juices . . .

You can tell I had nothing much to write about today...for sure
What creates happiness and all your emotions really?

If you know me then you probably know this answer....YOU do.  If you want to be happy, then be happy gosh darn it.  Something that makes me happy - The AVENGERS - so I pre-ordered it...Yay! Sept. 25..

If you could have Any super Power - What would it be?

I really am curious about all of you, so send me a message and let me know.  I have given this a lot of thought..I think I would want telekinesis/psychokinesis.  I get that basically that is two powers, but I'm thinking I want them.  I know, I know..I want I want..but if I can't be a vampire, then at least I should be able to control things and people.

If you could meet anyone past or present, who would you want to meet, and why?

For me, I think it'd be John Lennon.  Well short of Jesus..My obvious answer would be Jesus.  Never meeting either of these men, I kinda see them in the same light.  I know that a lot of people won't understand that statement, but really...they had some much in common.  Generosity, peace and loving (Lennon and Jesus both wanted all of us to love each other and be as one without ego)  "You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.  I hope someday you'll join us, and the world will be as one."

Okay so recently I came across the word Saudade - which is Portuguese.  It's pronounced like Soul dodge from everything I can gather.  The meaning of the word is that is used to describe a deep longing for something that either doesn't exist, or did once. It is a love that remains after someone is gone.  Yearning for that person or thing.  You wondering the significance in me telling you about that?  Well, I don't know.  I just thought it was kinda cool and thought I'd share.

Side note . . .(as if it's not all side notes)  Decided today that I am not going to go through my graduation ceremony in December, but maybe I'll have a party instead.  Will be nice to get through this program, but when you're just entering another one, it's not that grand of a thing.

Monday, September 3, 2012

So far. . .

This weekend has been very nice.  I have to say all you strange rain haters...STOP being like that.  Enjoy each drop, and stop acting like rain is so bad.  We've went months without the stuff, so enjoy it.  So I'm so tired of the "we built it" thing - taken out of context and then ramped up.  I don't care if you are republican or democrat, but at least don't be stupid about it.  KNOW what was said and how it was said, and then comment on it accordingly.  Don't just say "we built it".  LAME! It doesn't work, because most intelligent people know what was actually said, and acting like it was something else is ridiculous.  I have followed politics way more this year, thanks to Jon Stewart and Colbert, but seriously I know there is a slant there, I'm not stupid.  So...if I was sure that someone said something WRONG, I'd investigate it and find out what was really said, before making a  fool of myself.  Now...I have to say, legitimate rape, that is something to talk about.  REALLY?  REALLY? Because you know there are those times when a woman gets pregnant, so if that happens then she can't have an abortion because that rape must have been "legitimate".  Which by the way means that she must have wanted it, or her uterus wouldn't have allowed her to get pregnant.  SERIOUSLY?  OMG..That is the most crazy and nutty thing I have ever heard...Now mind you I'm sure that Mr. Todd Akin knows the scoop.  He is a man and I'm sure has a doctor's degree, *j/k, but I don't buy it...seriously - Check out this idiot.  

Okay so, other than being a republican he is not Romney, so don't think I'm saying he is.  I just think that dude is a freakin' moron.

Spent Saturday with some cool kids and then yesterday with Lucy, Sarah, Roy and Nanette and Will.  Some great people both days.  Thanks to all and thanks to Will and Nanette for an awesome day.  Love you both.
Okay - One more day..Heading to Lafayette again, cuz I can't get enough of that place.  Love you all.