Friday, December 9, 2011

Not feeling it. . .

I haven't been feeling the "blog" thing lately.  I'm not really sure why, but it's been hard for me to think of things to talk about.  Probably hasn't helped that I've been not feeling good for a while now.  I do NOT like cold weather.
In the last few years, I have decided to become a different person.  You know that old, "if you don't like something, then change it" saying.  Well..I've worked to make me happier.  I do realize that it's within me to be happy and I can not rely on anyone else to even help me with this.
So I went to a seminar yesterday, and anyone that knows or has heard of Dr. Kimberly Venus-Darks knows that her presentations are AMAZING.  She's kind of an Evangelist of sorts, and I think she's wonderful.  She opens up by having the group talk to their neighbors and repeat after her.  Things like "I'm here for me, I'm not here for you." and "Sha,, na, na, na, na".  She gives inspiration and talks about how things are and experiences she's had.  She talks about things like the fact that as mother's we're raising our sons, but we're "TEACHING" our daughters.
One of the questions she asks in the seminar is if you do your thinking with your heart or your mind.  I guess for me this was a hard question to answer.  My heart is sure affected by a lot of things, but the bottom line is that I like the logic in most decisions and try to keep some of the emotion out of it.  Why is it that once you let something emotional in, everything seems to spiral?  I know that you're not my therapists, but GEEZZ..I'm a basket case inside sometimes.
Some of you will get this - and some of you won't -
Man, I'm having trouble with this year.
1.  I don't expect her to want to be around me all the time, but I miss her, and when she pulls a date that I get to see her again a few months out, that about kills me.  I know that we talk everyday, and I know that she has a boyfriend that she definitely likes to be with more than me, and I know that she gets a hard time from some people about wanting to be around me, and I know that she loves me dearly, but all these logical facts mean nothing when your heart aches.  I decided a few months ago, that I would not push her to do anything in her life, instead I would just be there for her like a pillow to lie her head on.  She will always be able to count on me, always.   Whether that is from a distance, or right next door, I have her back and she knows it.
2.  HATE is a strong word.  So to say that you "don't hate me" isn't nice at all.  I would prefer that NO one have strong enough emotions towards me in a negative way as to 'hate or not hate' me unless we've had a child together and I've left you or something.  If you are reading this, then you are friggin' nuts, cuz you purposely tried to hurt me and succeeded.  And yes, I do have emotions and I can be "hyper-sensitive" any darn time I want.
3. If you always do what you've always done, then you will always get what you have always got.  If you want something that you have never had, then you need to do something that you have never done.  If you always think the way you have always thought, then you will always get what you have always got.
4.  Lemon, one of my orchids, is dying.
5.  I'm going to be alone this Christmas morning...(Well not totally, I have my Neo...) Need to work on the bright side of that.
6.  For the first time. . . I do NOT have a High A in this class, and it's killing me.  I just now hit a 91% and that's before she marks things off on the next few assignments.
7.  I've had bronchitis this week, and while I'm getting over it, I'm not sleeping well.

Okay - that was me bitching..
Now. . . . Breathe....  Breathe... I got most of it out..
I forgive you all..I will not take you home with me...I will not make you be the center of my evening.  I will go home and smile and have a GREAT weekend.
there all better.


Piderman said...

So, I understand all but 2. That one I am confused about.

Nik said...

I'm not sure if it is a suitable alternative, but you and Gary are more than welcome to come have Christmas morning with us. We're not doing anything special, opening presents and cinnamon rolls...but we'd love to have you here, if you want to come. <3