Sunday, April 8, 2012

Been kinda emotional lately. . .

Been a really strange weekend.  I'm been horribly emotional, thus, I'm exhausted.  It was so so nice to have Jenn here and for her to bring Lexi with.  I enjoyed them both very much.  I can not believe how much a person can cry about someone being gone, even when you knew it would happen eventually.  Guess it's easier knowing that he's at peace and I never ever will question that he knew how much I loved him...Back when Shawn died I worried all the time that he didn't know what he meant to me.  He died so suddenly and left me hanging.  I mean really, he and I were supposed to grow old living beside each other.  I did vow with him that no one would ever not know how I feel about them again.  This is why I am free with feelings a lot.  I don't want things left unsaid.  I don't want you to be snuffed out tomorrow and me to think, "I wish I would've told her..."  It's amazing though, how I still look at things and think "the sky is so blue today, pa  you're missing it.." I've been gathering songs of his to use for the memorial and pictures of course, but I have about a billion of those.  I think I have as many pictures of him as I have of Zach, which is sorta weird.
I don't know why I loved that dude so much, but driving today I was thinking of a story he recently shared with me.  He and I shared a love for the mountains...Yeah mountains, I love them...LOVE them..He told me about the reason he didn't want to live by the beach in CA.  He and Grandma and Terry and my dad were at Long Beach and enjoying a nice day, when grandpa saw a wall of water moving their way.  He said they barely had time to climb up to the street level before a ginormous wave hit.  The wave brought in a sail boat that it left in the middle of road.  They soon after that built the break island thing.  Anyway after that he said he never wanted to live near the coast but rather somewhere where he could clearly see mountain tops with snow caps.  I loved that man so terribly much.  He was a fantastic guy, and I have so many memories to hold on to forever. That story made me think of the story he told me about his car sinking in a sink hole in Danville years ago and him and grandma not being able to get out for a long time.  Sometimes it was hard with him to tell if he was bullshitting or being truthful, but these were true stories.
Anyway..Tomorrow..I will smile more, and I will have less time to think about all the reasons that my life will never be the same.  Hopefully that's is pretty freakin' quite right now.

I really enjoyed spending time with Anna and Taylor this weekend.  They are fantastic kids.  I also loved spending time with Roy, Sarah, Lucy, Nanette, Will, Kate, my Momma, Tommy, Gary and my kids on Saturday.   Also enjoyed breakfast today with my family..and Lunch with Nik, Kenny, Tommy and Kids...Did have plenty of family time.  sorry for the emotions that went with the weekend for me.

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