Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Almost every argument or disagreement Gary and I have (I'd say about 72%) are about how he and Zach get along. Wouldn't it be nice, if we NEVER argued or about anything..Raising kids is hard work, but it's also got so many high points. I am mostly saying this, because I think there are a few people in our lives that need to hear that blending families is hard even when there is only one kid. I can only imagine how hard it would be with a hers and his set.
Now though, Gary is making grilled chicken for dinner and veggies and I'm thinking I'm happy I'm not a turtle..I would want to be the fastest turtle anyway and maybe have a blue shell or orange.. or blue and orange..
I did have a thought about the vampire thing...Maybe I should rethink that...I have a small problem; it's kinda like the feet thing with me, and for a similar reason, I doubt I would be able to bite very many people's necks. Only those people that I would want to hug would I ever be okay with biting. And a few of you are thinking, well she hugs me...well yes, I would potentially bite you then, if I was a vampire and I wanted to..If you don't know about the feet thing...well...I don't want them near me..that's all.
Hope you enjoyed all this nonsense.. I'm not going to reread or fix it either, so if it is gibberish it came out as I was thinking it..
Have I told you that I love you lately? - I do.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Yeah I think that is all today...
Sunday, April 28, 2013
This show was FANTASTIC. Thank you so much to everyone.
Starting tomorrow - a break from LBBT and back to concentrating on homework a bit for a week and half or so..then the move..Thing are changing fast, and I think I'm figuring it all out. It is all going to work out nicely; just need to breathe.
I am very proud of Zach. What a good kid...I know he's mine, but he is really a great gentleman..and I love him so much.
If I have been weird, or short with you, or crazy or whatever towards you - I am very sorry. If you're reading this, chances are I love you dearly, so I am promising to be a better friend to you.
Have a good rest of your Sunday - going to dinner at a friend's house..I can't believe I still have any after the last few weeks.
Hugs to you all. Millions. . . To infinity..
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Friday, April 26, 2013
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
So first night of dress rehearsal of this week and the kids are loud and crazy. I decides that while I'm waiting for the actual run through to start, I would write a bit. Zacheriah isn't feeling well, so hopefully that works itself out. And you can tell the boys are almost over all this..
So.. On my way to work this morning, I was thinking why do we teach our children so many silly things when they're little. For example.. Yes.. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can definitely hurt you and often much deeper. We tell them this to what, protect them? Hmm. Doesn't seem like that makes much sense to me. I remember being teased once in middle school that took years and years to get over. Not that I think violence is the answer, but a broken arm would have definitely healed faster.
Also the "Now I lay me down to sleep" prayer... Really that scared the hell outta me when I was little. I didn't care who it was, I did not want anyone taking my soul.. And why do we even bring that line into the mind of a small child? How about "now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep healthy and safe and happy.. God bless all the puppy dogs and rainbows"..
And why was I thinking about all that? Who knows why I think of half the things I do?
Love.. millions and millions.. Xoxo
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Girls (yes, I am one) are emotional creatures that want to feel wanted, loved, needed and cared for. They like to hear these things, too. They want to know that you care and think of them when you aren't around them. I know all women are not the same, actually I'm quite different than most probably, but Maslow's hierarchy of needs is true for all people.
Monday, April 22, 2013
I decided today (well Friday night actually) that I am going on a small hiatus from school. I will be going back in August - but for now, it was either give up the LBBT or give up school for a bit...I chose school. It has been pointed out to me, albeit kinda not nicely that I don't even know where I'm going right now, so why keep it up. I will take a break, because of the move and stuff being busy, but I'm not quitting. I'll finish this class with a good grade, and then take two off..
Do you think anyone ever knows what they really want in or outta life? I think we're all constantly changing and growing. I think I know what path I'm on and then boom, a disaster happens and everything changes. I think it's just a confusing mess sometimes.
This Friday, would have been Shawn's 36th birthday. Most of you know who Shawn was to me, and to those of you that don't...I'll tell you - He was my first cousin, and actually we grew up next door. He was 4 months older than me, but when he was 20 (always a year older to him) and I was still 19 - He was in a car accident (there is a lot more to this sad story, but I don't feel like it) - anyway I can honestly say that I doubt there has been a day that has gone by in nearly 16 years that I haven't thought of him, and how our lives would have been if he had lived. I am not going to say that we always got along and that we didn't bicker often. BUT I am going to say that we had so many memories together We drown a cat together - who knew they couldn't swim, smoked our first cig together, played with fire, built a fort, threw rocks at his mom, hooked the hose to the slide. One time - when we lived in CA, we even hid under a bush in the desert for a full probably 8 hours while our parents got rescue and search parties together looking for us. We knew that we'd be in so much trouble, so we were trying to figure out how to stay there forever. He was the person that also taught me a VERY important lesson. Life is too short, and it's important to make the most out if. Love fully and completely and make sure people know how you feel always. Sometimes when I'm thinking of him, I wonder, would he have kids now? Would we be really close? Would we be Facebook friends? Would he have had an iPhone and argued with me about how they were better than Android?
I was going to wait to talk about Shawn until Friday - but I was feeling it tonight..
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Jenn and I ran to Walmart this morning - yes...i know I said I haven't showered yet...I'll get there..but anyway when we walked in the door..she pointed out Duck Dynasty stuff which seriously (according to jenn I did a little hop for joy) made me very happy. I do really like those people in that show, and honestly I think it's because they remind me of my extended family, "and don't you forget that, Jack".
You ever meet a person, and just know you're going to like them a lot, or have those feelings like you already do. Yeah, I've done that quite a bit in my life, and it seems to be some sort of strange intuition. It's weird too, because the people that I'm closest too, were those that I had those feelings for. Like Gary, Emily, Laura, Jami, Tommy....I just knew that these people would be some of the most life altering for me. They were the real deal, the ones that I knew would shape me in some way. I love how that happens, it even happened the day I held my baby brother in my arms (that might have been the first time actually). I looked into his baby eyes and knew he'd be one of my best friends ever, and he is. I knew when I first met David and Jennifer that they were my kids, even when they weren't yet, and I knew when Zach's not so pretty baby face (yeah wrinkly like an old man preemie face) that he would also be something special. You expect these things of your kids, but there are people that I had in my life a long time that I did not feel this way about. I said this recently, and I meant it...The only reason I'm on this earth is to form relationships. Work is great, but it's only work. The business is fun, but it's only the relationships that people will remember when you're not there. I guess my outlook on life in the last few years has changed drastically when it comes to all of this. When you get older and start losing the people in your life that are closest to you, you realize what actually does matter, and to me, it's you. I know some of you are like, is she talking about me, well, yes, I actually have thought through my friend list as I was writing.
"I'll get it if you need it, I'll search if you don't see it, You're thirsty, I'll be rain, You get hurt, I'll take your pain." - Gavin DeGraw - "Soldier"(yes another new fav)
Friday, April 19, 2013
I want to sleep until hmm...forever, but I'll settle with until 9..
"Shout out" to Emily, Ashley, Scott, Nikki, Cory and Amanda - you guys rocked tonight, as always. Love you girls very much.
I have homework due by midnight - NOPE - this will wait until tomorrow, because it's taking a lot of brain power to just do this. Talk about procrastination - this time it kicked my ass.
I am definitely going to blog something more meaningful tomorrow - in the middle of doing some homework - maybe I'll even decide to be a poet again. Tonight though...maybe you'll be in my dreams..or maybe not..wouldn't it be awesome if you could determine those things? I know who'd be in my dreams.. ;)
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Also, ever feel like you're talking and no one is listening..or there are so many people talking that no one can hear you? Yeah..try being in a room with 35 screaming children. Few more days...Emily Wolfgang is amazing and I'm so happy to have her as a partner. She has way more kids patience than I do..
One more rehearsal night and then....we'll see what we get.
How to tell you this...???
I love you. (what a surprise) most of you..i even like
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Zach brought his headset to me a bit ago and asked me to talk into it, oh my gosh I could have done that and laughed all night, he changed the voice to sound like a chipmunk. It was nearly as good as sucking helium. Sometimes that boy is so fun.
I have the best kids, if I haven't told you that already (including Lucy) and Black Box kids in that - I never have a dull moment. Although I'm sure Gary wishes we had some dull moments. I am really excited about this weekend. Get your tickets - www.littleblackboxtheatrecompany.com - It's gonna be GOOD. Got the programs tonight - A lot less stress now. A special thanks to all that have worked to make that happen. I'm glad I'm on this trip with some of the most awesome people on earth. I really mean that. Lately - I really know what I have in all of you.
I'm thinking of self adjusting my blood pressure medicine, just too tired all the time. Have been a little irritable though, so not sure on that. I think it's cool that I noticed today that my favorite color changes based totally on my mood lately. And yes, I have been moody of late, so I know that I'm not always as nice as I could be. I think tomorrow will have to be a ZipFizz day - if you don't know what that is - ask your teenager!
Aren't eyes cool...all colors...I like smiling eyes..Happy eyes...Loving eyes..even angry eyes (as long as they aren't angry with me)..Eyes are so telling..gateway to the soul I guess. There is something about looking into another person's eyes..sometimes you can just know...sometimes that's a good thing, and sometimes it's not. I think it's awesome though when you get that connection with someone where there is a look...and you know ... you know that you're on the same page.. There are a few people in my life that I have had this connection with - VERY good connection with (and you all know who you are - which is also cool) - I hope everyone experiences that with people.
Well. . . that's all I can do tonight.. Tired and can't think of anything else..
Monday, April 15, 2013
I think as I was reflecting this morning that I figured out that I want to put my Master's program on hold. I think I miss spending time with family and friends and there is so much going on right now and Zach will be cool forever, but I feel like I'm missing out on so much of him right now. I should be taking some time this lunch to write an annotated bibliography but doesn't anyone know how BORING that is. It'll still be there when I decide to go back, and really it's not doing anything for me right now except making me crazier than I am. I haven't talked to anyone about this yet, and I know a lot of people that read my blog (and a LOT more than that I don't know). If you have reasons you think this is a bad idea for me, go ahead, comment..I figure I'll give this a few more days, and then make a well thought out decision - I might even wait until Beauty and the Beast is over to see if my sanity returns.
BTW...This blog is crazy right now. I love you all, and can not believe the daily numbers..Sometimes lately, I have felt so lonely and maybe even a bit depressed. It's nice to see that people care enough to read. Thanks for that, but don't feel like you have to. I babble sometimes, just because it makes me feel good to get it out.
Alright - Good day to all.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Went out with the girls last night - WAY late and drank some and smoked some (only cigs - no worries)- - - and well laughed a whole lot. It was a fantastic evening and I'm sure we'll do it again as soon as our lives allow. I say evening, but it went well into the morning..Got home and showered right away (didn't want to wear the smoke smell to bed) anyway - then my phone rang or at least that's how it felt, and mom said "going to church?" My initial reaction was "um NO" but then I felt compelled to say "Yeah, I should do that." So glad I did too, I love that place..I think it's great how Dave always talks to me..or covers something I've been thinking about. I think it's awesome so many coincidences happen. I also think it's great that he turned me onto an grillin' idea with cabbage...I'll let everyone how I liked it if it turns out.. ;)
I also think my son is so fantastic - he went on a Work day for church to raise money for his Mission trip yesterday - they cleaned and planted some garden stuff anyway - I get to the church today and someone that had been working with him said, "Did Zach show you his pockets from yesterday?" Yes, my boy decided it would be cool to store worms in his pockets. WORMS..I figured immediately there was a girl involved, and of course...I'm right..Showing off for a senior girl. The boy is pretty cool though..
Went to the milk building to check it all out and we had some great volunteers help move stuff over there for a few weeks. I'm uber excited about the next two weeks, and nervous, but really excited. go to www.littleblackboxtheatrecompany.com and buy some tickets - or call me or text me or whatever and we'll get you on the presale list..(I will need the money somehow -check/cash/credit card before the show night, but the presale will still count even if you don't want to do paypal online.)
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Last night I blogged about love...I was thinking - so. . . Jenn and I have the "million" thing..and to her and I - that means more than the words "I love you" Zach and I have "to infinity and beyond" - david used to say "to the moon" - - I guess it can't be labeled though..In reality, it just is. It's a feeling, so it's one of those things that you can't really describe. My heart feels strong feelings towards so many people..some more than others, but again, love doesn't seem like enough to explain it anymore. Maybe it's because I have overused the word my whole life. I think just like people say "Bless You" when you sneeze and that means nothing to them..I'm obviously not going to stop telling EVERYONE that I love them, but if I were you I'd definitely question what the hell that means to me. I'm just babbling really.
I'm sending out the vampire request again. If you are one. . . . what do I have to do to convince you that you really need to bite me. I can promise I'll only eat animals. . I guess..
Friday, April 12, 2013
I'll get it if you need it,
I'll search if you don't see it,
You're thirsty, I'll be rain,
You get hurt, I'll take your pain.
I know you don't believe it,
But I said it and I still mean it,
When you heard what I told you,
When you get worried I'll be your soldier.
I also really like Snow Patrol. Which I know some of my friends will be like, REALLY?...but YES...I do .. "If I lay here. If I just lay here..would you lie with me and just forget the world"...how many times do you feel this in your life. Seriously.. I know that every now and then..I just wish I could take a breath with people around me..and just lay...lay still..forget everything else..and just be ... BE...
Black Box had an AWESOME show tonight...Ashley Kauffman really brought it all together with the teens..and I think this might've been my most favorite show ever.. honestly..Maybe mostly because it wasn't a musical with a ton of kids..
Then I got to go to dinner with my dad..which is cool too..I love my dad a lot..(mom too but i get her way more often)
Isn't love a strange thing...isn't it awesome how one emotion is not one at all, yet has the same name for so many different feelings...I definitely do not feel the same for all the people I love and I think there should be a different name for it..not sure what to call it but sometimes, these days..love doesn't describe it right. I know that what i feel for so many is a type of love, but there should be different names to better describe my feelings. That is all..
Good night! and as always..I LOVE you...but all of you differently..
Thursday, April 11, 2013
I'm trying to keep up with this for you Tommy. I know that tonight I'll be going to the black box and probably won't get another chance to do this today. Today feels a little better than yesterday. I did actually look in the mirror this morning and tell myself how awesome I am. Sometimes I think that has to be done. It sure was nice to love on some family last night. I am very much looking forward to being on the south side all the time. That doesn't mean Lebanon will be rid of us completely, especially since I really feel friendless down here. I know that will come in time, but I am a little impatient.. I'm down here a lot.. And I'm far away from everyone who loves me, that is a bit disheartening. I am loving some of the people here; the deep friendships just take time to develop.
Tommy.. We need to hang soon.. I miss your sweet face. I know we all just saw each other but that wasn't good visit time.
I'm not going to pretend like I have a lot of time in the next three weeks though, unless anyone wants to come help out at the black box.
On a much different path.. Most of you know how my mind works.. I have decided lately that the sky... Is my favorite thing.. Every color is so beautiful... Need to work on meditation and I think I'm going to try to use the sky for that. And trees and nature.. I love outside so much.. Sometimes I think getting lost on a mountain and living there would be great... Doubt I could hunt tho..
I still want to learn to use a bow and arrow.. Anyone have and want to teach me? That is a serious request.
Okay good enough.. Love you
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
It's hard to explain how the whole feeling thing goes, but today, right now, I'm down. I'm really down. I don't really get down, so this is a weird one for me. I'm sure tomorrow will be a brighter day. Until then, I will be drowning my pains in a little what I like to call "love juice".
I love you..
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Since I have anything planned to say in this blog, this one really is mostly for you. I know how you like my random ramblings. You ever have those days where it seems like you're watching it or observing it? Yeah, well that has been my day so far. Nothing seems like it's actually touching me or affecting me. Probably too little sleep last night.
I know I was texting on my way in here this morning (speak text peeps), but for some reason the drive seemed a lot shorter than normal, and I think I made it in less than an hour again. I think it's amazing how sometimes, I can preoccupy myself so much that I don't even really remember the drive.
This weekend is the Teen Play -All I ever wanted to know I learned in Kindergarten - This one is at the storefront on Friday night and Saturday @ 7pm. Come watch it with me. I'll be there both nights. Pre-order tickets www.littleblackboxtheatrecompany.com
The two weekends after that (19th,20th,21st,26th,27th and 28th) is Beauty and the Beast Jr. at the Milk Building. I am totally excited for all of this. Although, it does make a very trying three weeks, and by the end of it...I'm gonna be totally spent for a few days.
I have also posted classes for the next sessions online - www.littleblackboxtheatrecompany.com
Have you ever analyzed how you make decisions? That's what class I'm in right now, and I have to say...I am learning a little about myself. I am probably not willing to change too much, but I do find it intriguing. I tend to make decisions on a whim a lot, with not so much data to back me up. I knew this, but reading about why and what bias' led me here..kinda cool.
Okay - that's all I have for today - but I did promise Tommy a blog a day..so. . . . I'll do my best.
Love you all.