Sunday, March 25, 2012

Times of uncertainty. . .

I'm really not sure how many people do what I I'll share, because I don't mind being crazy...and if one other person reads this and thinks, 'yeah, I do that, too' then it's worth it.
I've been accused in my life of thinking too much about all of the different scenarios that could play out.  My neo often used to say to me, "well yeah and aliens could take over the world tomorrow, too."  He doesn't say this very often to me now, because I just stopped telling him the stuff that goes through my head as much. It doesn't mean that I stopped thinking of every possible scenario, but that I just talk about it a lot less.
Today, I'm having one of those days though, where my mind keeps wandering to things that have past, and things that could be, and things that are NOT important.  Strange how sometimes that happens.  Maybe because it's a quiet day, and we went on a 4 mile beautiful walk.  Nothing is too stressful, and I finished accounting mostly for the week.  I've been thinking about what I want a lot lately.  What do I want for the future?  Who am I?  I feel like just when I have it all figured out, something out of whack happens and it throws me for a loop.  In the last 10 years or so, I have grown as a person so much.  There are things about me that I really do like, but this dwelling obsessing thing is hard for me to deal with at times.  I also seem to take on so much when I'm already feeling overwhelmed, like somehow more stuff is going to fix it all.  Quite honestly, I'm not sure how to change it, or if I want to.  So walking through the park today, I see the sign that says Coed softball signups..and MAN I miss playing I say out loud, "maybe I'll sign up for softball."  Gary's immediate reply is "yeah, " with a small laugh, "cuz you have nothing else going on, so just take up a hobby or something"...He's right, and I know he's right, but why do I feel so compelled to do yet something else that I don't have time for.  I need to work out more I think.  I was using it for a long time as a form of meditation, and now walking 3-4 days a week is NOT good enough..
Thursday night this week, I am going to take the Zumba class at the gym during Zach's acting practice.  I also need to force myself to take a Yoga class again.  I have got to do something that will rest my fragile mind.  I have been a basket case lately, and I know why...and some of you people also know why, but I can't continue like this.  It's crazy too, cuz I think about things that I said to people "how did he take that?" or "wonder if so and so is upset with me now?" and "why doesn't she want to visit me?"  ... Usually, I do NOT spend time worrying about how people think of me, but during the last few seems like I'm keeping myself awake thinking of dumb stuff.
Someone told me recently that if you stop thinking you're dead..Well..I'm ready to have some time away from thinking without I when I figure it out..I'll let you know.

Going to watch Hunger Games tonight..Exciting stuff.


cljaggers said...

Jess, I so love reading your thoughts on here. I too am a thinker, of all things. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately of where I am in life and where exactly I want to be. I haven't figured it all out(not even close), but I do know that things need to change soon. Not sure how to go about it, but pray that the Lord gives me strength to figure it out before I go completely bat shit crazy. Reading your blogs lets me know that I am not the only one out there with such thoughts! Keep posting!

Jessica Shoop said...

Thanks - I am glad I'm not alone, and happy to know you're reading and enjoying. I really appreciate it.