A blog blog blog..

hmm...what to say..

Random thoughts totally I guess..

I really am so glad there is not been a bathroom RUN today.  Still not feeling a 100% evening..but strangely I'm in the mood for Mexican..Problem is Mexican is a  problem.

I have a lot of stuff up on ebay and somehow I wanted the auction to end Saturday, but it doesn't..it ends Sunday.  GREAT...have to wait another day..

I turned down an offer from Gary today that I am sure I might regret...He made sure to let me know he wouldn't go back on it for a while...so I'm stuck...and I chose no..

I got the BLUE furby that gary couldn't find...haha

I played Mario U with my baby today..and he's really not as good as me, which makes me OHHHH so happy...he's been better at every game except mario than I since he was like 8.  

I really like how the U controls our TV and Cable box.  That's cool, but it would be nice if it controlled sound for us..and our BluRay player..

I gave in to Brian and let him have Zach wake up there on Christmas morning again, but...I get him longer this way..cuz he said after dinner on Christmas Eve and he'd bring him home around 9 Christmas morning..That means..I get him longer..oh well..I'm sure there will be some emotions again, but i'll figure it out..

Been a little emotionally numb lately, with all the sickness floating around.  Did go decorate the Black Box today, and put the announcement out that we're doing a full production...Yay!  Beauty & The Beast - Auditions January 10th...

Get to see Sheila again tomorrow..cool beans..

Missing my baby girl, but Sheila is a pretty decent stand in..or Tyler, but I don't see her that often anymore..

Love yas

Jess

blogging. . .

Sometimes I think it's time to stop this blogging thing..

I enjoy it immensely and it definitely is an outlet and a sort of therapy for me...but I also find it cumbersome..It's crazy to tell people your thoughts all the time..I think it might be interpreted wrong too, like some people may think that I'm being conceited by writing about what I think..I mean really who cares what I think or say..I know all this..

Many days lately I have tried to determine what is next for me...what do I really want to do now..what can I do..what makes me happy...what feels right...I get to do whatever I want now..and that's kinda weird..

I do of course need to think of cash flow and insurance and my child still at home..

I like to write..I like to talk..I like my opinions..that does not mean that I believe I'm right all the time.  I don't even care if I'm wrong actually, I just like to share them.  You wouldn't believe the amount of people that think that their way is the true ONLY way.  That what they think is right and no one else knows or gets what "right" is for them.  CRAZY is what that is.  I recently compared one of my friends to a "Christian" and Gary laughed and thought it was funny.  This person is NOT a Christian but believes his way is the only right way..and I said, "it's kinda nuts, like he's a Christian trying to tell me I'm wrong."  I mean that..I don't know why people can't understand that just because they believe something to be true or right..it doesn't mean that there isn't someone else that believes differently and is also "right and true".

Okay now I need to say..based on my comment, you'd think I wasn't a Christian.  I am totally and that was a stinky view I just painted to the word Christian - For those Christians that understand that we definitely don't have the Bible all figured out, and for those that don't try to push their point of view on everyone...I apologize for my comment.  It was not directed at all, but towards the evangelistic ones that point out how wrong things are based on their interpretation of the Bible.

With that said, more randomly...

Today is better than yesterday...I'm so glad my SON is coming home to mommy tonight..and he texted me to tell me how badly he misses me out of the blue..it's nice to feel his love.

I apparently have not been a great friend sometimes...I am who I am..I'll be me and if you decide to figure that out..great...if not ..whatevs..I am not going to try to change for anyone

I am so so so so so happy with the Wii U and the new Mario game...seriously it is my most FAVORITE one ever.

Black Friday deals this year sucked..hopefully there are some cyber monday ones that I like..

I appreciated watching old videos with my mom and dad and roy on Friday...thanks to my brother for convincing me to do it.  It was supposed to be a christmas surprise that I was converting all old home movies to dvd.  No surprise but a good time and it did feel nice.

I have gotten a lot of compliments on my poetry lately..going to stop publishing on here..and only share with some..seriously i can't believe something that takes me so LITTLE time is even liked a little..that's kinda neat..

Okay..well..that's all for a while..over and out.

Any ideas?...

Wrapping your arms around me,
I feel the comfort of your soft touch.
There is nothing as safe and warm.
I feel my muscles relaxing

Thank goodness for the end of day
It's nice to know you're waiting
You are perfect for me
Nothing feels quite so right

The day may crumble around me
but I know that a moment near
You'll ease all my worries
as you cuddle me to sleep

On the especially painful days
I'm becoming an addict
Longing for your caress
Desiring the security

Wind...

Yeah it's late (or early) and I'm not sure if this is even remotely good.. But couldn't sleep.. And i like to write.. So here goes..

Your breath is cool on my face
Your touch is soothing
Deep in my soul you make a me calm

There is that shuffle through the leaves. The whistle through the open window You smell of rain and freshness

What is that you whisper
I can go to sleep
Knowing that you will never leave Tomorrow will be the same for us as today
Or maybe even better

Through tragedy and pain
Through heartache and misery
I feel that I can count on you
I know you will keep me sane

Even during my sleepless nights
I feel you soothing me
You're there to remind me of happiness and love
I hear you whispering "this day will soon pass"

Thank you my most constant companion.

Death...

When I die.. I know sadness will occur.. I won't ask anyone not to cry cuz that's dumb.. But.. Can everyone who loves me remember this? I want to be cremated.. No showing/visitation.. I do want a gathering for a memorial with a bunch of pictures of the good times.. With some good pop music playing or rock.. I won't be very specific since I'm gonna be dead... Also.. I think it would be fantastic if you drove in a line of cars somewhere just cuz people should pull over for me too..
My ashes.. Hmm.. Somewhere around where everyone is.. Under a nice shade tree maybe.. Again not specific.. I'm not gonna mind anything then.. Most importantly.. Hug and kiss each other.. A lot.. And maybe drink some alcohol and get sloppy.. Give me something to smile about wherever I am..

Love you all.. And i am so thankful to have each and every one of you reading this... Have a great day.. And kiss someone..

Today's early blog

I am sitting at the hospital waiting on Donna or Dad to get here while she's having some testing.

I have been thinking a lot lately about feelings and what is real. So many people act like or say how you can make yourself feel one way or another... And that is true.. I know that as long as you don't want to be unhappy you can make yourself happy..
I also know though that it is important not to use that as a cop out. Ocassionally I think certain people believe you can treat someone any way and that it is that persons responsibility to manage the feelings involved. If a person does something directly that could hurt you then yeah.. You can get over it but sometimes the person acts like it's your fault you are having anger feelings or sadness because of what they did. I often feel disappointment with people and they can say they are sorry or whatever and it doesn't just fix it.
I have to decide at what level I trust again or how far and much I will ever let them hurt me again... Usually I'm a glutton for punishment when it comes to those that I love, but every so often I decide I'm done with the pain they cause.
I am a lover.. I love people very much, but i do not like being hurt or betrayed or treated unimportant to those that I hold very very high in my life. My heart is on my sleeve most of the time, and I believe that is my tragic downfall.

Random thoughts
David came home... Love hugs kisses.. I love him so so much.
Had all my kids together under one roof for the first time in a really long time and I can not express the joy that brings even under the circumstances.
I have never met anyone I even like as much as my kids.. I believe if I was stuck on an island with them and no one else, sure I'm miss the heck out of gary, but the kids would bring happiness all on their own. They are fantastic.
My ex husband's family... I love them.. It's so strange to feel like I do towards them still, but i do.. I'm so sorry for their loss and happy for the life of Edith all at the same time. Without her they would not be as wonderful as they all are.
I want to play my Wii U today.
Sheila is coming over at noon.. Hope I can stay awake.. I'm tired today..
Tomorrow is thanksgiving.. Hope it is grand for everyone.. Spending time with two families this year.. Won't have any of my babies though.. I'll still smile and try not to cry once.. Even though I'm almost just typing this.

Nothing Profound . . .

Okay so, I'm a week away from a Bachelor's degree.  I guess this should make me happy, but I've been pouring out most of my hope and happiness on possibilities lately.

I feel like the job search is a bit frustrating at times.  One moment I'm happy and excited about the possibility of a potential lead and then next I'm sweating that an interview didn't' go exactly well.  I do have some awesome people in my corner, so maybe soon.

Alright so. . . Still liking my Lenovo and Windows 8.  Not loving Windows 8 yet, but I do like it.  I should have bought a few of the Nexus 4's so that I could sell them on ebay.  I did get two Wii U's, but I'm not selling the extra one to a friend, so don't ask.  I want to sell it on ebay.  They're going for like 750 bucks right now..That'll pay for mine, too.  I wish I could've gotten a few more of them.  I've been having fun with selling things on ebay lately.  It's interesting to see what sells and for how much.

My ex-husband's grandma (the kids great-grandma) is pretty sick.  She's 95 or something like that and has lived a full and happy life, but she's still sick and dying.  I think something weird happened to me the other night..Dumb and weird..so..Jennifer and Zach are obviously sad about this, and I totally get that, but I felt frustrated a little, because neither of them seemed that sad when it was my grandparent's dying and they were younger and it was more tragic.  I was feeling like, "what the heck" and then I had a thought - -- And YES i had this thought (no one helped me with it) - I have no idea how sad anyone else might have been when it was my grandparents...quite honestly I didn't care...I was devastated and that is all that mattered at the time. . .
I also had another realization that evening, which didn't bode well for my Neo and I...I am okay with my feelings and sometimes it's okay for me to tell you how I feel..and not to have you tell me how to solve it..or that I shouldn't feel a certain way...I WILL feel...I DO feel...and whether I should or should not doesn't matter because what ever it is at the moment...I WILL feel it..It only matters how I handle those feelings and what I do with them.. So many times, I'll say "Man, I really feel. . . . " whatever, and I get the response "Well you shouldn't feel that way..."  Okay doesn't matter...I do FEEL this way, and I know that I can make myself have different emotions, but I feel how I feel because I do..if that makes any sense..

Random..

Who first came up with curse words? and what makes them curse?


Why is it that I hate feet so much?  I feel like somehow they are gross body parts, how do I get past that?  Without anyone touching me with feet..


Sometime soon, I want to get REALLY REALLY drunk..and say curse words..

okay that's about it tonight..I know I kept you waiting and this is probably a total let down...sorry..

Love you all.

hope . . .smile . . .

I so excited, and afraid to be too excited all at the same time.  I am afraid to get my hopes up, but at the same time . . .. .. OH I hope this all works out...

Please pray for me, or send out positive vibes or whatever you do.  I really appreciate it, and I know I'm being sorta vague  but I'll scream it loud and clear when I can.

Windows 8 - Okay I've decided...I do like it...I think it wouldn't be nearly as cool without a touch screen.  My new machine - the Yoga 13 - is fantastic also.  Took my Watts for an oil change today, and people want to keep him everywhere they see him.  No...No...No..It's like my kids..I have the best..and everyone wishes they had them, but they're mine...just like my car..and now my laptop/tablet..

I have the best friends too..and family and well...so many things....I also have the best God..just saying..I am really thankful for this week...it's been a really good one so far...Thankful for Nanette and Lucy and Sarah...and I am so glad I have those three women in my life..I love them bunches..

Just hopeful and happy this week...all around.

What am I thankful for? . . .

So I keep seeing all of your day by day posts of thankful things, and it made me think about some of the things I'm thankful for.  I'm going to list them in no specific order.  So if I put something at the end because I think of it then, it doesn't mean that it is less important to me than the others..Got it?

1. My door - I love love love how my front door is a drawing board right now.  It has restored so much happiness to my life the last few mundane weeks.  YELLOW I'm thankful for Yellow. 

2.  My kids - Even the one that doesn't talk to me much.  I love they all three have made me smile a lot during some difficult times.  They're wonderful.

3. Gary -  He's too good for me really.   He puts up with all my craziness and still claims to love me...How can this be?  Also he's my best friend to boot.  

4. Mom - Oh mom...she's so great.  She loves me unconditionally and really is proud of me, when I feel like there is nothing left to be proud of.

5. Last classes for my BA - Seriously excited to be taking on something new.  My life has so many possibilities now.  

6. Family - Everyone that I don't mention specifically in here...I'm still thankful for you..

7.  Lucy - Who knew you could love someone else's child almost as much as you love your own?  I get that I had two stepkids...but they never felt like that - it was just a my kids thing from the start, and while yes, they did grow on me, I instantly love them.  But I always felt like other people's kids were just not as cool as mine, until Lucy.

8.  Friends - Everyone I don't mention specifically for some reason or another in here...I have a lot of friends,  and I love each and everyone one of you.

9.  Laura - You have been there for me during difficult times.  Even when you were mad cuz you thought I wasn't texting back. I love and am thankful for our friendship.

10.  LBBT - Oh my gosh...I own a business.  I know it's not profitable yet, but the kids are great, and so is working with Emily.  Which leads me to 11

11.  Emily Wolfgang - My child loves you and so do I.  I appreciate all that you do for our community and children.

12.  Our relationship with my brother and his wife - Seriously - I love them and they are some of our best friends.  

13.  Success. - Jennifer/David/Zach - Have you met my kids?  I am thankful that they are all so well rounded.    

14.  My bed - I can't be more comfy anywhere on the planet..my couch isn't bad either, but bed oh my bed, is great.

15. California - specifically Laguna Beach - I am sure this is what my heaven looks like.  

16.  Blog readers - I am happy so many of you like to read my stupid antics.  Thanks.

17. Wabash National - That place taught me so much, and honestly most of the people there will be lifelong friends.  I was there 10 years and they were some of the best of my life.

18. Understanding of emotions.  I love that I know how to feel what needs to be felt.  I love that while I can't completely control mine yet, I know that I am in control of however I feel.

19. The bible classes that IWU forces you to take.  Yeah, I'm thankful for being made to think about some things that I have not thought of for a while, if ever.

20. Dumb people - It's good to have people that aren't as smart as you.  It's all relative really anyway.  - Maybe I'm more thankful for understanding perception.  

21.  Tommy -Friendship/Confusion/love/understanding/growth - I am thankful for you.

22.  Senses - I'm sometimes not so thankful for this around Zach - but the fallen leaves, the cut grass, the sugar cookies, and smell of rain...I'm so thankful for smell.  -  i love sunshine and puffy clouds and being able to see them clearly.  I love hearing Lucy speak. I love tasting peanut butter and the feel my wonderful comforter. 

23.  Superheros, vampires, werewolves - All that stuff that is maybe not real to all, but lives in a happy place in my heart.

24.  Technology - Windows 8 this wonderful machine I'm typing on.  I'm thankful that things are changing so rapidly and that I can understand and love the coolness of it all.  I'm thankful for Google/Android and all that they do. I'm thankful for Amazon and streaming and cloud storage and oh my goodness...so many technological things.  I'm so happy to be here and now.

25.  The Unknown - Yeah this is gonna be my last one for today - I'm thankful for not knowing everything.   I like learning and I like how things evolve and become new.  It's nice to wonder what tomorrow will be like while enjoying today.  I think it's also scary right now, but it's still kind of cool.

 Okay - Not proofing this...just posting..Love you all.  If I didn't mention something specific that is okay...I'm probably still thankful for it, but I got tired of typing. 

Once AGAIN. . .

So...I know that it's been a little while since I did this.  Wasn't sure what to say.  Sometimes I can't just come up with interesting things, even though my mind is constantly going.

I decided yesterday to get the new Yoga 13 - Here's my Review first of Windows 8 - I really think it's going to take some getting used to.  I like it, but I'm learning it.  It is so so different from Windows anything..  People complained when they went from XP to Vista like crazy, it will be interesting to see how the general public actually handles this change.
http://www.engadget.com/2012/10/09/lenovo-ideapad-yoga-13-shipping-ideapad-yoga-11/
Now my review of the coolest computer/tablet every...Seriously - I can not tell you how exciting it is that this is touchscreen, but I will never again be able to use a regular PC/monitor/laptop.  I would look like the dummies that click the mouse on the monitor when you tell them to click on something.  Anyway, this device is spectacular.  I cannot help the geek in me.  I love technology and  I don't think that will ever change.

Now though, since there isn't an endless amount of fundage to my crazy purchases, I will be selling my XPS 13 - probably $650 if anyone is interested, and I will be selling my Galaxy Note 1 for probably $400.   If I don't get offers on these quick, I'll be ebaying them.  I also have some other electronics to sell.  I have a iPod Touch 1st edition (without the camera) - I'm thinking $50 for that.  I also have the iPod nano - small orange one not the latest but the one before this (6th gen  and I think 8G) - I'd part with that for $100 - Also have chargers for all.  The XPS and the Galaxy Note - even have original boxes and they are pristine.  Actually the Note is nearly brand new, since I just got the Best Buy replacement on it recently.  

Alright so I have to give a review of a new yogurt also.  Yopa! - Okay - not a big fan. I'm not sure why I switch, Chobani is the best.  Yopa! you can get that have nuts to put in it..and that's why I got it with it's chopped almonds.  It was okay, but I'm glad I have Chobani for the rest of this weeks breakfasts.