Friday, July 27, 2012

Letter to my Grandpa

Dear Pa,

So a lot has happened in the last few months.  I feel like I need to tell you what's been going on.  I always felt like you being proud of me was one of the top things in my life.  You're half smile when I'd tell you something funny always made me so tickled.  It's weird for me that I can't talk to you about anything in my life these days.  I can't tell you what is bothering me or what makes me happy, and I know writing you a letter doesn't do anything really.  It's all for me.
You remember me telling you about Zach and the acting thing.  I know Grandma did, cuz she wanted to see everything involved in it, well, I started a business after you died.  It's a small acting theater building for children.  It's a community thing, and I know you'd be proud of the initiative.
I miss you.  I wish you were still here and that we could talk through stuff.  Sometimes I think you were the person that kept me sane. You knew me so well, and I feel like at times no one else really gets it.  Things always happen for a reason, and everyone you meet and everything you go through shape you into who you become.  I am really grateful to have had such a wonderful man as you in my life.  I'm grateful for having a personality that is so close to what you had.  You loved me so much, and I you.
I've learned that as you go through life, there are those people that you connect with on a deeper level than others.  There are people that can glance into your soul as it is, and know what is important and how you work.  A lot of people are so easy to read and understand what drives them, and then you meet someone like me, someone like you...and they're all over the place and scattered and well Deeper than others...I love deep.  I love people that are deep and people that get that it's not always a surface thing.  I have always been someone that never really cared what people thought much of me or at least that's what I thought.  Recently though, I realized that I do care about that.  I care that people that I want to think good of me do think good of me.  I am a good person, and I want the world to remember me as such.  I do not like hurting people, and it feels like I do that a lot.   I like being in control, and sometimes you can't control anything.  People are going to have their own feelings and emotions, and you sometimes do not have any control over what they think of you or what they're feeling.  Take you for instance, you were so depressed after Grandma died, and nothing any of us did, could make that better.  Man, I miss her, too.
Things are hard sometimes, and life is such a funny thing and it goes so quickly and then you're just not there one day for all the people that love you.  I can only hope that some day someone misses me and keeps me alive the way I do with you.  I will always hold you so near.  You always even still today put things into a different prospective for me.  Thinking of your responses to me, always makes me look at things in a better way.
This degree is coming to a close for me, and soon, I'll enter the Master's program.  I know the younger you would have had much to talk about with me recently.  I miss talking to you passionately about my political views :)..No one else enjoys talking to me about that..*smile*  Honestly, I don't think anyone on this planet now enjoys me as much as you always seemed to.  You were the best GRANDPA in the whole world..Hands down and I miss you so much.
Something else, completely off the subject and mostly just me complaining, but I would tell you this if you were here today, so...Why is it that people do NOT get that in today's world....we do not have to print everything.  Personal printers are a nice to have, but not a necessity mostly, kinda like paying bills with checks.  No real need for it.  We have digital for a reason.  And I know how you felt about all that, and it makes me smile to say it.  Don't worry Pa, "spacebook" won't get you.
"I love me, too"

1 comment:

Brenda said...

Love you Jess - I miss your g-ma and g-pa too! You'll see them again someday in Heaven!