Interpretation is such a funny thing. . .

So isn't it interesting how you hear someone say something and you can be in a room with someone else and they completely hear something differently?  Communication is what everyone preaches and teaches, but I am thinking we need to start taking classes on interpretation.  Wouldn't it be nice if we could all be in the room and hear and see the same things and get EXACTLY the same message out of what was being said?  Recently I heard a story about a girl I know that got really upset about something that was supposedly meant completely different than the way she took it.  My first reaction was, geezz, sensitive much. . .But then, I thought about how often I do exactly the same thing.  I am sure I do it even more than I realize.  There are obvious times though, like when Gary says something and I think he has a tone to it that isn't nice.  He obviously didn't mean what I thought he meant, because he wouldn't just go on to the next subject like nothing was said.
This morning Zach and I got into it, because I said I was tired of him yelling at me.  He said, "I wasn't yelling" - And this is TRUE.  He was just getting mouthy, but I used "yelling" cuz that's what Gary has said when voices get raised at all, and now I said it and didn't even mean it the way I used to.  A yell used to mean a scream to me, not just raised voices, but since he's said it so often whenever there has even a slight influx in tone, I now think of that as a yell.  Well, I'm taking my meaning back, cuz I like mine better.  I explained to Zach that what he was doing was actually talking back, and I can't stand that, and that he doesn't need to contradict everything I say all the time.
I think we need to come up with a standard and stick to it, so everyone hears the same meanings.  Just thoughts for today.

The Little Black Box Theatre Company

Yeah! So isn't it interesting how things change in your life so rapidly sometimes.  I wonder if that only happens to me.  I can only tell you that I can't remember a time when I have been this busy.  Gary and I had a night last night where no one came over and we just relaxed (no fixing on the house, or going anywhere).  I can not believe how wonderful that was.  I think I need at least 2 nights like that a week.

Sunday night we had the Cabaret, and I was a bit nervous that we would have no one show up.  I was pleasantly surprised by our large turnout.  We actually filled the upstairs of Arni's.  Our camp kicked off this week and we have a few less kids than expected, but I think it will all be okay come next week.

David Marden and Sheila Wilson have been a HUGE help and I love them so much.  I'm going to post our classes on here, and if anyone is interested I can send more information.

We're doing a Pop and Show Dance Class on Monday's and Wednesday's.  An Improv workshop on June 22nd.  We're going to decorate a float and be in the July 4th parade.  We have 4 weeks of camp this summer. I just found out last night we're going to have a Writing Scripts class in July and I am hoping to start some music lessons of some sort. We also believe we're doing something for the Lebanon Red/White and Blues and hopefully something (Flash Mob) at the Back to the 50's festival.  If you have any interest in any of these things, Let me know or check us out http://www.littleblackboxtheatrecompany.com/.

Explanations

This message is to a few specific people in my life.  I know there are things that are not understood.  I know that money is more important to you than me.  I know that you think you should be most important all of the time. I am sorry for you.  I feel like everyone keeps asking for explanations for stupid things.  I DO NOT love one kid more than another.  I love all of my kids differently.

It is interesting to me though that the people that say this say it for the reasons of money and equality of THINGS.  The way that I feel towards David is much different than the way I feel towards Jennifer.  As soon as David moved and he stopped taking calls from me and even stopped visiting very often, David chose to ignore me and chose to hardly even text back when I was the one paying for his phone.  David has also always been a person that thinks he's entitled like I owe him something.  Even though I didn't give birth to him and I was the one transferring money into his account in college and sending him LOTS of gift cards when I didn't have to.  He has always acted like I should do more for him even when he gave nothing back.  I made sure we went to his graduation from basic training, even when his father did not, I made sure that I paid money on his new laptop even though I gave nothing to anyone else that day.  I have always been there for all of them, and yet, he gets jealous over a "supposed graduation present" for his sister.  Don't take into account that maybe just maybe I am doing better financially now than when he graduated from high school, or maybe just maybe this trip wasn't EVEN for Jennifer.  Say what you will, but this trip was for ZACH and he wanted to have Jenn go with us.  And why does Zach think of Jenn before David, OH yeah, because she has been around when his brother has mostly not. I would also like to say that David received a HD TV/DVD combo, a laptop (even though it wasn't brand new) and a $500 dollar voucher that he could cash in as he made money over the summer (we were matching up to $500 of anything he earned that summer - which he did NOTHING with) - Funny though how he only remembers the TV.  Again this is because he feels as though he's entitled.  A while back he sat in my living room talking about his younger sister, Alexis' grandmother Alice, and he said how horrible she was because she bought things for Alexis and his other sister Cheyenne but not for him.  She doesn't know him, but of course, there should be equality EVERYWHERE.  Well GROW up.

Grow up all of you..and you all know who you are.  Jennifer is 18 and David is 20.  Realize that I will always be there for both of them, and I don't plan on that changing.  Stop acting like everything I do for Jennifer is so bad or I have some other reason for doing things than the fact that I love her.  She's a good young woman, and like it or not, I have something to do with that.  I have tried to explain this to her, but I'm not sure she gets it.  A person's heart is big enough to love everyone, and she shouldn't have to choose one over the other.  She actually thinks I hate you, but she's wrong...I hate what you do to her.  She feels like she has to play this game all the time, and I am so OVER it.  I love her, and I want her to be happy.  Can you all say the same?  I do not expect her to ever love you less, so stop pushing that somehow if she loves me that I'm taking your place.  I don't really understand how a parent does not understand that love is different between each child and that each child has to be handled differently.  Why push equality, it does not work that way?

Hey David - I love you..what I got Jennifer was actually 2 concerts for her graduation.  I didn't get her the trip for that and it was Zach's trip.  He wanted her to go, so we took her.  I am very disappointed in you for your reaction to that.  You're an adult, so act like one.  I will always love you, but you're an adult married man now, so you need to really step up and stop acting like a child.

This WILL be my only EXPLANATION for any of this EVER.

what I've been up to . . .

This last few weeks has been HECTIC.  Sorry for the lack of posting.

So not only have I been maintaining my day job, but a few friends and I have been working on opening a store front business.  Our business is The Little Black Box Theatre Company.  There are a wide variety of classes offered, and we will be adding to our course list as time goes on.  Please check out our website (know that it's still under construction)  www.blackboxtheatreco.org
We should be located at 119 N. Meridian on the square.  Hopefully our opening week will be a camp starting on June 4th.

I have also been doubled up in Accounting with Entrepreneurship at first and now with New Testament Survey.   I am actually surprised by how much I am enjoying all of those classes.  I have decided that I like being busy.  I enjoy having things to do all the time.  Sure, there are moments when I would like to rest, but for the most part, I thrive on busy.

This is a message to my daughter.
Jennifer - You have meant so much to me from the time I met you.  (People will read this, and be confused, but you know what I mean).  My heart belongs to you and your brothers.  I will always always love you and David just as much as I always have.  I could not be more proud of you for who you are, and what you're becoming.  I love how you think outside the box and have taken so much of what I put out there and learned to live by it.  I love how you don't judge people and that you have a heart filled with love and joy.  You are an amazing young woman and so easy to love fully. I'll bet really there are so many guys that think Collin is the most lucky guy on earth.  You and I never have to explain what we have; you and I never skip a beat and it's often times like you really were molded and shaped by God to be for me.  I am so happy for you that today starts a new chapter in your life.  Things will never be the same for you, but I want you to know that always and forever I will call you daughter and you will be a HUGE part of my life.  No MATTER WHAT.  I don't want you to stress over the next few days, just take them in.  I am okay watching you on Skype and I am okay just being there when you need me.  I do truly know what I mean to you, and I know you feel what you are to me.  Millions doesn't seem like enough to express it sometimes.  I know you've heard this story before, but here goes....I was about five months pregnant with Zacheriah when you started Kindergarten, and I was SOOOO sick. You were afternoon only, and the first day for you, I felt like I was going to puke before even walking you in.  When we got there, you looked nervous, and my stomach churned even more.  I don't remember many details, but I remember walking you in, and you (unlike when I dropped the boys off their first day) held onto my hand like you didn't want to let go.  I quickly got you interested in something in the room, I think it was a book shelf full of books (can't remember exactly) and then I snuck out.  I cried all the way home, as I did for each of you.  I didn't even know David that well really when he started Kindergarten, but the same feelings were present for all of you.  Like I was entered a new chapter with you and things would never be the same.  The thing that I have learned over the last 8 years or so that is so prevalent in my life: Everything Everything changes and everyday starts something new and you never stop missing those you love when they aren't with you.  Thank you so much for letting me share you life baby girl.  I will always be grateful for that.

To all of you other graduating seniors:
A lot of you I have coached and been friends with as Jennifer grew throughout the years.  I love each of you also.  I will do my best to appear at your parties.  I can not believe what beautiful wonderful people you have all become.  I wish you all the best.

April was a learning month for me. . .

April was a major learning month for me, and another life changer.  I have learned so many things about myself lately, and to sum it up, I really like me.  I know to a lot of people that sounds conceited.  Really, it's not that I'm conceited at all.  I have struggled a lot in my life to feel comfortable in my own skin.  I've never been pretty enough or skinny enough or well..anything enough..It's taken me almost 35 years to decide that I am all of those things.  I have a great guy and 3 wonderful children and a Lord that love me. I was raised by two parents that loved each other all of my childhood, and parents and grandparents that absolutely taught me the value of LOVE.  I am so lucky and so thankful to have all that I have had.  Do me a favor today - - - Know that today is going to be a good day and SMILE.  ;)

I was thinking recently about how many people I have in my life that I care so much about, and I know I've said this before, but each person is like a snowflake to me.  You are all so dear and I love you so much.  Well maybe all of you are not dear to me, like maybe my ex-husband's wife..she's kinda not nice at all.

Last night, my dad called to invite me to a "family cookout" that my Uncle Terry is throwing this weekend.  Terry is now the Patriarch of our family, and honestly, without someone pushing, our family will probably never get together as a whole again.  I called Terry to explain that I'm walking the Mini this weekend, so I won't be able to make this one, but not to give up on me, I promise I will come sometime.  He told me, "It's okay, sweetheart.  I love you."  This is crazy, but I cried so hard at those words from him.  My uncles and I have not been very close, especially the last 15 years or so (man, I feel old).  It's dumb..I know they all love me, but I somehow feel more attached to them all now that Grandpa is gone.  Life is so weird sometimes.

Side note. . . I believe I'm starting a business with two other wonderful women soon.  This won't affect the day job, but I'm meeting on Sunday to go over some stuff.  This will be a storefront that holds acting classes in the evenings for children mostly, but we may do some adult stuff.  I'm pretty excited, and I know everything about running my own business now with an 'A' in that Entrepreneurship class (haha).  Wish us luck!  More to come on this subject. . . . .

Know that I love you. . .

Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of presenting emotions such as anger, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness anddisgust. It is not to be confused with envy.

Jealousy is a familiar experience in human relationships. It has been observed in infants five months and older.^[1][2][3][4] Some claim that jealousy is seen in every culture;^[5][6][7]however, others claim jealousy is a culture-specific phenomenon. - wikipedia

Love is an emotion of a strong affection and personal attachment.^[1] Love is also a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion, and affection; and "the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another".^[2] Love may also be described as actions towards others or oneself based on compassion, or as actions towards others based on affection.^{[3] - Wikipedia}

^{Coercion ( /koʊˈɜrʃən/) is the practice of forcing another party to behave in an involuntary manner (whether through action or inaction) by use of threats or intimidation or some other form of pressure or force. In law, coercion is codified as the duress crime. Such actions are used as leverage, to force the victim to act in the desired way. Coercion may involve the actual infliction of physical pain/injury or psychological harm in order to enhance the credibility of a threat. The threat of further harm may lead to the cooperation or obedience of the person being coerced. Torture is one of the most extreme examples of coercion i.e. severe pain is inflicted until the victim provides the desired information. - Wikipedia}

Manipulators have possible motivations, including:^[1]

• the need to advance their own purposes and personal gain at virtually any cost to others,
• a strong need to attain feelings of power and superiority in relationships with others,
• a want and need to feel in control (aka. control freakery),
• and gaining a feeling of power over others in order to raise self-esteem. - Again Wikipedia

Bullying is a form of aggressive behavior manifested by the use of force or coercion to affect others, particularly when the behavior is habitual and involves an imbalance of power. It can include verbal harassment, physical assault or coercion and may be directed repeatedly towards particular victims, perhaps on grounds of race, religion,gender, sexuality, or ability.^[2][3] The "imbalance of power" may be social power and/or physical power. The victim of bullying is sometimes referred to as a "target".

Bullying consists of three basic types of abuse – emotional, verbal, and physical. It typically involves subtle methods of coercion such as intimidation. Bullying can be defined in many different ways. The UK currently has no legal definition of bullying,^[4] while some U.S. states have laws against it.^{[5] - Wikipedia}

The defining characteristics of pseudologia fantastica are:

1. The stories told are not entirely improbable and often have some element of truth. They are not a manifestation of delusion or some broader type of psychosis: upon confrontation, the teller can admit them to be untrue, even if unwillingly.
2. The fabricative tendency is long lasting; it is not provoked by the immediate situation or social pressure as much as it is an innate trait of the personality.
3. A definitely internal, not an external, motive for the behavior can be discerned clinically: e.g. long lasting extortion or habitual spousal battery might cause a person to lie repeatedly, without the lying being a pathological symptom.^[2]
4. The stories told tend toward presenting the liar favorably. For example, the person might be presented as being fantastically brave, knowing or being related to many famous people.

Pseudologia fantastica may also present as false memory syndrome, where the sufferer genuinely believes that fictitious events have taken place, regardless that these events are fantasies. The sufferer may believe that he or she has committed superhuman acts of altruism and love or has committed equally grandiose acts of diabolical evil, for which the sufferer must atone, or has already atoned for in her/his fantasies.

What is the reason for this blog?  Why the definitions? 

Please love each other.  Be kind, be fair, and be honest.

Jess

Honking Fools....Really? Chillaxe people..

I believe cars need to be made with NO freakin' horns.  Seriously, this message is to all the people in Lebanon.  I am so sick of your stupid car attitudes.  Grow up.  When I pull out and clearly you were not going to run into me, don't honk you damn horn at me.  Also, if I'm stopped at a stop sign trying to pull out on 39 at 5pm and there are cars both ways, I WILL pull out when I want to, not when you want me to, so shut the freak up.  I do not like the horn honking that takes place there, what the hell are so many people worried about.  If you are that concerned about being somewhere on time then leave earlier.  Geezzz...or or how about you just don't freak out about DUMB stuff.  Chillaxe people.  Really.......

This is part of the reason I like California way more than Indiana.  I'm not sure what makes a culture think they have to be in this huge hurry, but it's going to end up killing people, so slow down and stop being so concerned about driving fast and getting there quickly.  Enjoy life, enjoy the scene, enjoy your drive and leave me the hell alone.  If you can't enjoy that's fine, but you do NOT have to ruin everyone elses day.  When you honk at me, or anyone else, you just look like a jackass, so stop it.

Also, you do not have to race me to get into the McDonald's line.  They now have two lanes, and your racing doesn't do anything...I'll gladly let your dumb ass in front of me, so stop it.  Yeah, I'm serious people, it's FRIDAY and I like taking at easy, and smiling and waving and having a laid back time of things.  Why can't we all just be...BE....calm down..breathe....it will be okay...Unless I have to punch you in the damn neck for pissing me off.  I have had a busy crazy week, and I don't feel like messing with your stupid honking ass on a Friday morning.  GOT it...

Thank you
Jess