Relationships, my thoughts

Often times people blur the lines between reality and fiction.  Actually this happens for so many reasons.  I think some people chose fiction because it's easier to deal with.  I know that I sometimes do.
It would be nice to be able to just have everything "your" way, but it doesn't work that way when you have responsibilities and other people to think about.  When someone is no longer "in Love" with you, which happens all the time, you should be able to let them go.  You need to love them enough to say, "okay, be free of me."  I do understand that hurts and it's so much easier said than done.  I believe that there are so many "right" choices out there for you, not just the one and only.  People fall in love and they fall apart and out of love.  I know that sometimes you find a special someone that changes and grows with you, and you can decide to stay in love with them and your fondness for them grows.  This does not mean that they will always give you good vibrations, but that you will adore and love them through it all.  But there are other things that can happen...As a person matures and grows in their own life and decisions, they can decide that you are maybe not growing the same way as them.  They can decide that while they still have fond feelings and memories of you, that they no longer have the being "in love" feelings with you.  This doesn't make them a bad person; it just means that they don't want to hurt you and they still love you, but not romantically any longer.
 I think it's important to talk about how many options are out there for people.  Attraction is a great thing, and every person has a lot of people that they can connect with.  Sometimes you find a few people that have a greater connection to you than the person  you are currently with.  It does not make a person bad, if they feel some sort of attraction towards someone else, we are human. Shoot when I was 18, I was attracted to all kinds of guys, and I'm pretty certain it was because I didn't know who I was yet.  As I've gotten older, the attraction has changed.  I am specific about the kinds of people that are attractive to me.  Like George Clooney and Matt Damon (only in We bought a zoo) for instance, I am attracted to them.
I used to be scared that Gary would some day fall out of love with me.  I used to worry that what happened between my ex-husband and I would happen with Gary too..Like someday I would just wake up and be repulsed by him, but that would never happen.  I truly love him, and if ever I fall out of love with him, I will expect him to let me go without a fight, because he's that mature.  I will also expect that he will always love and have fond feeling towards me.
This blog wasn't written towards Gary, I do love him and am still "in love" with him.

Know that I love you. . .

Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of presenting emotions such as anger, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness anddisgust. It is not to be confused with envy.

Jealousy is a familiar experience in human relationships. It has been observed in infants five months and older.^[1][2][3][4] Some claim that jealousy is seen in every culture;^[5][6][7]however, others claim jealousy is a culture-specific phenomenon. - wikipedia

Love is an emotion of a strong affection and personal attachment.^[1] Love is also a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion, and affection; and "the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another".^[2] Love may also be described as actions towards others or oneself based on compassion, or as actions towards others based on affection.^{[3] - Wikipedia}

^{Coercion ( /koʊˈɜrʃən/) is the practice of forcing another party to behave in an involuntary manner (whether through action or inaction) by use of threats or intimidation or some other form of pressure or force. In law, coercion is codified as the duress crime. Such actions are used as leverage, to force the victim to act in the desired way. Coercion may involve the actual infliction of physical pain/injury or psychological harm in order to enhance the credibility of a threat. The threat of further harm may lead to the cooperation or obedience of the person being coerced. Torture is one of the most extreme examples of coercion i.e. severe pain is inflicted until the victim provides the desired information. - Wikipedia}

Manipulators have possible motivations, including:^[1]

• the need to advance their own purposes and personal gain at virtually any cost to others,
• a strong need to attain feelings of power and superiority in relationships with others,
• a want and need to feel in control (aka. control freakery),
• and gaining a feeling of power over others in order to raise self-esteem. - Again Wikipedia

Bullying is a form of aggressive behavior manifested by the use of force or coercion to affect others, particularly when the behavior is habitual and involves an imbalance of power. It can include verbal harassment, physical assault or coercion and may be directed repeatedly towards particular victims, perhaps on grounds of race, religion,gender, sexuality, or ability.^[2][3] The "imbalance of power" may be social power and/or physical power. The victim of bullying is sometimes referred to as a "target".

Bullying consists of three basic types of abuse – emotional, verbal, and physical. It typically involves subtle methods of coercion such as intimidation. Bullying can be defined in many different ways. The UK currently has no legal definition of bullying,^[4] while some U.S. states have laws against it.^{[5] - Wikipedia}

The defining characteristics of pseudologia fantastica are:

1. The stories told are not entirely improbable and often have some element of truth. They are not a manifestation of delusion or some broader type of psychosis: upon confrontation, the teller can admit them to be untrue, even if unwillingly.
2. The fabricative tendency is long lasting; it is not provoked by the immediate situation or social pressure as much as it is an innate trait of the personality.
3. A definitely internal, not an external, motive for the behavior can be discerned clinically: e.g. long lasting extortion or habitual spousal battery might cause a person to lie repeatedly, without the lying being a pathological symptom.^[2]
4. The stories told tend toward presenting the liar favorably. For example, the person might be presented as being fantastically brave, knowing or being related to many famous people.

Pseudologia fantastica may also present as false memory syndrome, where the sufferer genuinely believes that fictitious events have taken place, regardless that these events are fantasies. The sufferer may believe that he or she has committed superhuman acts of altruism and love or has committed equally grandiose acts of diabolical evil, for which the sufferer must atone, or has already atoned for in her/his fantasies.

What is the reason for this blog?  Why the definitions? 

Please love each other.  Be kind, be fair, and be honest.

Jess

My take on marriage. . .

People think my comments on marriage are somehow wrong.  Maybe.  I feel like there are reasons that marriage may be necessary for some people, but I think people just do it sometimes, because they think it's the next step in every relationship.  Just because it's always been done like that doesn't mean that it needs to be the only way we do it.  I just think marriage will never be in the cards for me again.  

Why?

First go here:   http://www.divorcerate.org/

I like my relationship the way it is.  I like coming home to him every night, but knowing that I don't have to feel trapped there.  I also like feeling like he's not trapped either and if he wanted to, he could leave me.  This kind of keeps me from feeling like we're just comfortable being together.  I love him very much, and I would marry him if we had to get married for insurance.  Some will argue that I'm living in sin.  Well I already committed the cardinal sin - I'm divorced..also..my relationship with my God is sound.  So stop judging.  A piece of paper filled out for the government didn't always constitute marriage. 

We often introduce each  other as "husband" or "wife"..way easier to do, but neither of us really wants that, and we're both good with things.  I'm blessed that he doesn't want to be married either.  I could see how in a relationship if you loved someone and they wanted to be married, it would be hard to say "no" to that.  One of the reasons that I think Gary is my "neo" is because we really are copacetic here. 

I've been married.  He's been married.  What we have, is better than that.  It's just too bad that other people don't think of it differently. 

What the words mean. . .

For me it's really simple to say what I mean.  I know that people struggle with that, and I feel sorry for them.  I have no problem at all expressing myself, and honestly (and candid), if you're around me more than a few moments, you know how I feel about you.  I don't even think I'm hard to read.  There is no mystery here, I wear it on my sleeve.

I know I've hurt a few people and continue to do with my "put it all out there" attitude, but I don't try to be inconsiderate.  Actually, I've gotten really a lot better about how I handle myself professionally in the last few years.  I've worked hard to THINK before I speak, and to be courteous with my speech.

Lately, I have been trying to get to know what makes people around me tick.  How do I get them to open up or how do I get them to maybe shut up?  While doing this, I learned something very valuable about myself though, and that wasn't intended.  It's not that I don't have an open mind, and it's not that I don't "love you" when I say I do.  I just really get annoyed by people that I don't feel are as intelligent as me, or rather people that think if they hover I will fix their problems sooner, or people that complain all the time about everything.  And guess what...I don't really like annoyance.  I'm gonna work on it.

Well - Love you..all..unless I don't.

My Thanksgiving

Even though I missed a few people.  (Dad, Donna and the Kids and Nikki, Kenny and the kids and David)  I think this was one of my favorite Thanksgiving's ever.  

I really, really love my sister-in-law for hosting and for extending her family to include Gary's sons and their families.  I love having so many people I cherish in one place.  So Sarah asked us all to mention the first thing that came to mind that we were all Thankful for.  I struggled with this, because my mind is a tricky thing, and the first thing and the last thing all jumble a lot.

Nanette and Will - Thanks for raising such beautiful, wonderful daughters and I love you guys.  It's really nice to get together as often as we do, and I feel that I've (and my children) are growing very close to you.  We have a truly interesting situation, and I love it so much.

Jennifer and Zach and David- I love you more than I can ever say.  You know this.  You are my sweets and it's so awesome to have you around.  David - you're always loved and missed my boy.

Sarah - Thanks for an awesome Thanksgiving and for making me the most proud aunt EVER.  You have become one of my best friends and I love you so much.

Roy -  Ah...what can i say..I love you, bro.  That beer was the best I think I've ever tasted, you beat Blue Moon for me.

Gary - You're the love of my life, and I'm always so so Thankful to have you.  You ARE my Neo.

Tommy and beautiful babies - I am so totally thankful to have such an accepting family, I love you and hope all the happiness for you forever.  I'll always be around for you, like you've been for me.  Taylor and Anna - Just Jess loves you very much.  Both of you are so beautiful and special and your parents are totally lucky to have you.

Katie - You're a gorgeous and determined girl, and a wonderful aunt and sister.  I'm very Thankful to have you in my life and also to have you be the sister that Sarah loves so much.  

Mom - Hmmm.  You are phenomenal, gorgeous and wonderful.  I'm so glad you were blessed with me (joke), nah I'm so glad that I have you as a Mom.  I remember when I was younger and my friends would say, I wish your Mom was mine, and I remember thinking "I've never wanted any other mom..that's weird."

Dad - You're the reason for my career.  You're the reason for my personality and I love you as much as always, I also miss you very much and I love you always.

Donna and kids - I'm Thankful to have another extension.  I'm thankful that Zach has found a best friend in you and that I have some great step-siblings and I hope that Ashley gets better really soon.  

JD - I'm addressing you because I know you read this - I love you family as though it were truly my own.  I hope you all had a wonderful holiday and I hope to get together with you all soon.

Jami - You are one of my best friends and I cherish you dearly.  We need to do something.  Thanks for being there for me always.  :)

Nikki - Missed you at the dinner - love you and the girls - happy to see you soon.  I'm happy to have you all in my life and I'm thankful that you and I have gotten to the understandings that we have.  Love you babe.  Your girls are wonderful and gorgeous and I'm very thankful for them too...Kenny too I guess.

Okay this is ridiculous - I thought I'd be able to do this, but I am very thankful for so many things.

My IWU cohort - I'm thankful for most of them..really getting close to a few.

My staff - They are the best.  I couldn't ask for a better team.

My co-workers - It's nice to be in the place we are all together.  I'm very glad to be a part of that team.

Collin - I'm glad my baby finds happiness with you.

Amber - I am Thankful to have gotten to know you so well.  Thanks for being good for David.

Brian/Kelly-Thanks for having such wonderful children.

Kelly - Thanks for letting the kids continue to see me.  I love you..even though I know that's hard to believe.

Grandpa - Love you..Glad you're still here with me.

Grandma - Love you and always will..even though you're not here, I feel you around a lot.

Alright - I know I missed people..I can't keep going..

All my readers - You're freakin' awesome..Thanks for liking me and continuing to read.

Different Kinds of Love

Isn't the heart a weird thing?  Feelings are so interesting and I really think it's amazing how many different kinds of feelings you can have towards different people.  I can honestly say that I do not feel the same way about any one individual.  I don't think that I have ever felt the same way about anyone.  I love all of my kids differently, and I love all of my friends differently.  I love mankind, but no one feeling is ever the same as the next.  I'm sure I loved my ex-husband at one point, but I definitely don't love him nor did I ever love him the way that I love Gary.  My children and I all have different relationships; therefore, I can not even love them the same.  I would argue that I love them all equally, but differently.  I love my niece like I've loved no other.  I love my sister-in-law like I've loved no other, and I am sure I love you like I love no other.  That should make all of you feel very special.

I don't need no stinking Niche

I've been trying to decide if there should be a regular type of post from me about something or if I should just do this one blog and keep it casual.  I'm a very random person and I enjoy random thinking people.  I'm not sure I'd keep up something that was supposed to be specific.  I have decided that my niche will be to continue along this path until I might find something interesting enough to blog specifically about.  

Starting today with Smear Ads and my feelings:

Our nation is full of people; some are white, some black, some red, some Christian, some Buddhist, some Jewish, some interesting, some not.  I'm so tired of hate and slinging mud.  Who really cares, and why do we allow and pay for things like this http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/slideshow/intriguing-political-ads-2010-10887147 ?

I know this one was a bit funny, but negative smear ads are ridiculous.  Someone is paying a ton of money for them while children starve somewhere.  

I do not watch the news.  Honestly, I protest it (without signs), but if someone is watching it at home, I go into another room.  I do not like at all how negative things are and how people thrive on the negativity.  How often do you see positive stories on the news?  I was in the car with Gary yesterday, and he turned off the radio, which is a rarity.  I looked at him and he said he wasn't going to listen to smear ads, and it got me thinking.  Why do any of us put up with it?  Everyone complains about it, but no action has been taken to remove them.  I'm wondering if people actually listen to what's said in these ads and believe them.  If you listen to ads like this and believe the smear, then please make sure you are using birth control. We don't need to breed stupid.

Now that we've determined that we're not stupid, how do we stop smear ads? Maybe we refuse to watch or listen to them.  Maybe we refuse to vote for anyone that pays for one.  Maybe we write our senators and our congress people.  I guess I'm asking you.  This nation is already filled with hate; these ads won't turn it around.  

Ending today with Love:

I have been having issues lately with borders.  I'm not sure why we have them.  I'm a student at IWU, and in a blog discussion lately, I commented about borders and why is it important that we have them.  There was a conversation about tariffs and taxes, and a comment was made about how it seems like the rest of the world hates us and we help people.  At that I started thinking about how we "helped" Iraq.  How do we not expect to have people hate us when we interfere and act like a bully?  I wish we could all just get a long.  I know it sounds cliche, but seriously, why is there so much "ME" in the world.  If everyone would stop and take a step back and love just because they love their fellow man, things would be so much happier.  Stop finger pointing and stop pushing smaller nations around.  Open our borders to everyone and if we all did that..We could all be one nation maybe.

An Amazing Memory

Isn't it cool how some things that happened in your life stick to you like it happened yesterday?  Well, if you don't have those kinds of memories, I'm sure that you haven't yet experienced a tragic or extremely wonderful event.

For me, 12 years ago today, was both a tragic and a wonderful event.

I had been in the hospital last week, 12 years ago, for the whole week, with pre-eclampsia.  After much complaining, the doctor sent me home on Halloween day to see my older two children go trick-or-treating.  I didn't get to take them, of course, but I got to go home and be with them.  The only symptom that I hadn't had at that point was protein in my urine, so I wasn't in immediate danger on October 31 (which that year, was a Sunday).  I went home and laid on my left side to keep my BP from causing a stroke, with the instructions that on Nov. 2, I was to go in to see my OB at 10:30.  David had just turned 8, and Jenn was 5.  Jennifer was in Half day - afternoon kindergarten that year.  Tuesday morning, I knew something was wrong.  I had trouble going to the bathroom, and I told Brian that I was sure they were going to keep me, but he insisted that we take Jennifer with us to my 10:30 appt.
Without all the gory details, we were sent to St. Vincent's emergency room.

I remember that day so clearly.  Everything happened quite quickly, and at 5:54pm, I had a wonderful 2lb, 10oz baby boy.  He was 15inches long and had very wide bright eyes, and he looked like an old wise man with all his wrinkles.  They wrapped him up and took him away from me.  I remember many things from that evening.  Bart Petersen became the mayor of Indy, Brian was a jerk and wouldn't go check on our son when I asked him, and my mother didn't want to leave my side.  I felt so alone and miserable.  He spent his first two days in the NICU, but his Mommy spent her's in an ICU room.  Finally, when I was out of danger, I got to meet him.  (not hold him, but meet him)

Christmas Eve, I got to bring my then 4lb 3oz, boy home from the hospital.  It was a long, agonizing few months, but he's wonderful and mostly healthy.  I am so blessed.  I've loved a lot in my life, but there is no other love like that of my children.

Before David and Jennifer, I didn't even want children.  I met them when they were 5 and 2.  I immediately loved them, and my love grew and grew.  I worried when I had Zach that there wouldn't be love for him left in me, but it was the most amazing thing.  The love I have for them is alike but different, all three of them have a different kind of perfect, individual, unconditional love.

Zacheriah is 12 today.  Happy Birthday, my sweet, wonderful young man.

Thickness of life

I wonder sometimes what it would be like to live a normal life (whatever that is).  I have said forever that I do not believe in conformity, but I'd bet it's a lot easier.  I would guess that if you didn't have to think about things or try to be good and decent that you could just easily blend in with the rest.

Do you ever feel like saying to everything and everyone "I'm just done with all of this" or "I'm tired of fighting the uphill battle of life"?


I remember when I was a young adult and my mom would give me advice or try to help, and I found it so annoying.  I remember asking to move out when I was 17 and disappointing my parents so immensely, yet I didn't care.  The two people who had actually loved me the most and cared for me the most, I hurt them without even thinking about it until years later.  I can not imagine how my mother felt when I did some of the things I did back then.  My parents had always treated me with respect and like I was an adult from a really young age.  Once I actually could make decisions for myself, I wanted to make them all.  I was invincible.  Until I wasn't.  Often times, I wish I could go back and listen to what they had to say, not just listen to them, but really hear them.

I give so much of myself to the people in my life, that I sometimes forget who I am.  Until someone shakes me back to reality.  I am a great me, and people are lucky to have me in their lives.  I'm lucky to have them, too, but sometimes I think the others around me just take me for granted.

A little on happiness. . .

Okay I admit it, I struggle with staying happy and positive each day.  Someone will say something negative, or I will hang on something I thought to be negative.  I think way too much and analyze conversations, people's actions and my own feelings towards everything.  I know that I can choose to be worry free and happy all the time, but it's really not that simple to do for me.

I'm gonna tell you some of the crazy things that I do to keep a smile on my bright face.  I know they're dumb, but they tend to work for me.

• I make my bed, or well Gary does now, cuz he's there.  Coming home to a fresh made bed always makes me feel relief.
• I look in the mirror and say "today is going to be a great day".
• I text my daughter.
• I try to stand up straight (almost stretch it's so straight) once or twice a day.
• Listen to a happy song.
• Imagine my happy place.
• Drink some tea.
• Spend some quality time with my phone.
• Exercise.
• Laugh with Zach.
• Go on a date with the man.
• Listen to an audio book.
• Find the love around me - it's everywhere.

I encourage you to think of the things that keep you happy and positive.  Write a list.

Loving You. . .

You were so little in my arms.  I recall the bridge of your nose and the wide eyed stare filled with love.  I remember the moment when I thought, “you’ll never get this back. Enjoy him now.”
Your cheeks were so chubby and your eyes so blue.  You weren’t wholly mine, yet it felt so like you were.  I remember the thought, “you’re making her like you, even the weird stuff.”
Zelda was my bonding tool with you.  I knew when you were young that you were a gamer at heart, and we played until the game was complete.  I remember thinking, “I will come to your level and then you’ll love me as much as anyone.”
Time has passed.
In the blink of an eye, everything changed.
The lesson that I’ve learned from the experiences we’ve had, is that we never stop.  The love is and always will be, but everyone moves on and changes and grows.
I look into your big brown eyes that I’m only looking down an inch at, and I think, “I’m so proud of the boy you are, and the man you’re becoming.”
The once chubby and now slim face of my young woman is so loving and careful not to upset.  I often think, “How did I get so lucky to have you in my life?”
The young man that is still playing games, but getting ready to join the military, I wonder..”Will you ever know how much I love you?”