What?!?!

Sometimes I think I have all kinds of stuff figured out and then... Poof... I know nothing again.. Isn't that weird? There are about 15 maybe 20 people in my inner most circle that know that peace is hard to come by for me. This morning was so hard to get out of bed.. Not only was I stepping into a catastrophic situation this morning that seemed to have no bright spot but also my lungs are now infected with the head snot infection... So coughing is happening more.. I should say unproductive coughing... Ewwee.. I made some calls though about my graduation and funding for the upcoming masters program.. And that made my morning a little brighter.. Then it took a downturn for a while... And it made me think.. Why why why why... Why am I not trying harder in a few key areas... Why do I even care about one person having hateful feelings towards me... I mean geezz everyone does not have to like me.. Kinda some uncharted waters there for me tho cuz there really are very few people I cannot connect with on some level.. Dude I am pretty great after all..
Anyway after a long day.. Of sickness and worry I get to go hang out with a bunch of LBBT kids for family fun night. And tomorrow I GET to work inventory... Oh and let's not forget I still have homework I need to do by midnight. And you ask why I'm bogging instead of doing homework now? I got home and zach was playing and gary was working... And I'm sitting on the couch resting before the LBBT experience... Yup so I decided to talk to myself like this basically..
Today on my way to work I flipped down my visor and my gma/gpa picture popped down... It reminded me that none of this.. Daily stuff... Matters at all in the grand scheme of things.. Yup you guessed it.. All that matters is the love we show one another.. All that matters is that we take care of each other and love.. And so.. With that I'll say "I love you all dearly".

Non-conformity

Let's talk about what that means. Is being a non-conformist someone who doesn't hang out with others? Nope.. That's a non-social person or someone who may think they're too good to hang out with others. A non-conformist is someone who chooses not to go for the norm just to go for the norm. A non-conformist is someone that questions why certain things happen and decide to go against the grain, but they could be totally social people. Saying I choose not to do this cuz all of you do it doesn't make you a non-conformist unless there is something we're doing that we don't want to be doing. Conformity means that I am somehow doing something only because it's expected but not because the person wants to.

Something else... It would be great if people had my back.. Just saying.. It would be great if I felt like I was actually...... Cared for..

Gobbelty Gook. . .

People can hurt you.  People that you trust, and people that you love can and do hurt you sometimes.  How do you move from that hurt spot?  How do you decide you aren't going to let it depress you for a long time? I don't know.  Honestly, I don't know.  It seems like when things get rough, they get compounded quickly by all the other stuff in the world.  I know it has to be about the attitude.  When you're feeling negative, it seems easy to dwell on the negative maybe.  Anyway, I have decided I can't go back to being a person that is insecure and sad, and I won't.  I can't change you or make you happy.  That is for you to do.  I can only love you through it.
So enuf of that.

My thoughts are random again today..can't stay on one thing too long...
Some of the hardest things you will ever have to do, are seriously yucky.  Matters of the heart are always hard for me, personal and professionally.

I did decide today to do Zach's bday party at Indy Acres Paintball.  Woot! Excited about that one.

Yeah, so boys...are sometimes dumb..don't forget that girls..Not that I don't love 'em...still dumb..

iphone 5...

My assessment...
Same phone different size..

I like the size don't get me wrong, but I don't see the appeal.  If you didn't like Apple so much before, it's not something that will reel you in now.  The screen is pretty and it's a little longer which gives the appearance of sleeker than the iphone 4 and also gives the appearance of skinnier somehow, but the width is the same.  The phone is thinner in depth though, and that is nice also.  I like the colors better than the iPhone 4, considering the two tone black on back, and the phone does seem to run a bit faster and smoother.
With all that said, for me, nothing GREAT and new and wonderful.  I know that Gary did order a new Nano though, so I'll give my opinions on that in a few days.  It made me think...I have a nano that I never use.

Gonna do some homework now, NEVER ending homework.  "hey jess, what's your sunday look like?"  - "well I don't feel good (thinking tomorrow might be a Unity visit), stressed about work stuff, and OH yeah, I have homework to do, and I'm going to LBBT in a little bit to meet with my partner on some planning stuff"..
Love you all.

Joys of Cheese. . . .

Well it got you in the door, didn't it.

I am pretty excited about some upcoming events.

Please check out the Fall events for LBBT.  www.littleblackboxtheatrecompany.com
Next Friday is a Fun Night.  Oct 12th = Lock-In
Fall session II starts Oct 8.

1.  Gonna ship my oldest son (even though he doesn't talk to me anymore) some alcohol for his 21st birthday which is right around the corner. 21...yeah...that 5 year is 21 in a week in a few days..and doesn't apparently remember what loving me means...If you happen to read this, David Alexander, I will ALWAYS love you.

2.  Halloween is coming!!  Zach's favorite time of year, and that always makes me happy.  Gonna plan a 13th birthday bash for him of some kind...scary Halloweeny.  My BABY is almost a true teenager.  Weird right...2lbs 10ozs..15 inches long..and now..a size 13.5 MENS shoe..and ...yeah..wow..

3.  I can wear sweatshirts with my jeans for comfort again.  I love fall and spring so much.

4.  I have an iPhone 5 that I'm gonna play with this weekend.

5.  My life is so busy, but so perfect right now.  Lots of good friends and family and love to surround myself with.  It is nice to be in love with my best friend.  You know what...love is just awesome...

6.  2 more weeks of doubled classes, and I will have a small break.  It doesn't mean no classes, but only one for a few weeks...That alone will feel like a relief.  - few more months, and I get to start all of this again..exciting huh?

7.  Emily told me that she will do a Spring full production . . . . YAY!  I am stoked about that.

8.  My friend, Laura, is happy about a job she's starting.  Congrats, Babe. Love ya.

9.  Lunch is at Little Mexico today, and I want cheese.

10.  Went out to the plant and toured some stuff today...It was fascinating..You'd think when a person has been here as long as I have, that things like that wouldn't be some darn exciting but they are.

11.  I decided yesterday..That I am so in charge of EVERYTHING in my life.  I can DO whatever I want to.  I know that sounds silly, but what I mean is...if you're being emo and I don't want to listen to you, I won't any longer.  If I am tired, I will sleep.  If I am over it, then I'll just be done with it.  Sorry about your feelings, but I don't need you clouding my judgment. (That is to lots of people, so don't take it totally personally)

I love you my Jennifer and Gary..since I think you two might be the only ones reading these days.
;)

I'll let you all know the ends and outs of the iphone 5 later today or tomorrow prolly.

today's thoughts. . .

I guess I don't have much that I don't share with everyone.  Sure we all have a few skeletons in the closet, but I a pretty open person a lot.  I suppose that is because I really like me, and I figure others should know me and like me, too.  

What circle am I in to you?  Interestingly enough, I put lots of people in that Friends circle or even closer.

I was thinking of reasons people might not want to be as open with another person:
Fear of conflicts
Don't be afraid to say you disagree.  Some conflict with people is healthy. You might think people in good relationships should not argue. You might think if you tell people how you are really feeling if you are upset or angry they will be hurt.
Can't be emotional
Maybe, you think you shouldn't have negative feelings like anger, jealousy, anxiety act. Well, you should be more mature and more rational, cuz if you were you would be able to control your feelings. I'd be willing to bet that other people will not see you as weak if they find out how you are feeling.
Please don't reject me!
Are you are so terrified of rejection or being disapproved of that you'd rather keep your feelings bottled up rather than making someone mad at you? Guess what, you don't have to please other people and meet everyone's expectations.  Maybe you should trust me enough to be able to share what your feelings and ideas and thoughts are.
Self Esteem Issues
How much do you love yourself?  Do you believe you are not entitled to express your feelings or ask others for what you want? Sometimes people just stink...Love yourself enough to not worry about what others think of you.  If a person is real, they will respect you more for being you.  A true friend will even love you when you're being a butthead.
Don't you just KNOW!
Why can't he/she just read your mind? Geezz.. (Okay, yeah I am DEFINITELY guilty of this, that's why I had to include it).  Maybe HE is not insensitive and maybe he does care, but maybe he doesn't know what you want him to do/say. 
      ***Girls - Really that one is for you and me, cuz I have been here so many times.  I think sometimes Guys are just really dumb, and you have to help them out.  Give them a break, and guess that they really don't know what you want from them.

The weekend...

Whoa all of those involved in my weekend know how crazy but great it has been. Started with the Mraz concert with some awesome kids.. From there the car had issues and then a great day yesterday... LBBT performance and a party at Jess' and... My Lucy said "Aunt Jess" so that i could hear her... It was very clear, too. I love that kid..
Also was surrounded with good peeps all night.. Some family and some friends.. Lots of love to all that made the day great..
Apparently though I had some issues after everyone left.. The funny kind but not really appropriate for bloggin..
This morning we got up early.. Train to Chicago and after some Navy Pier and Millennium Park.. On a train now back to Lafayette.. So.. Now I'll complain a little.. Sore throat.. Sore leg.. Sore foot and walking in flip flops like an idiot.. Welcome to my world..
Okay so I go to get zach a charger for his phone at the Verizon store and the lady there starts explaining to me first the surge protector one and then when I told her I would be fine with an off brand she started lecturing me on how off brands can hurt your battery... Really?? No.. But nice selling point.. I didn't like her at all.. Went to a cool (the coolest actually) target ever today... Really neat.. Chicago does have cool stores..
I'm all over the place but what's new.. Oh yeah... Go Colts!
Now I was thinking I want a giant turtle in my yard... A human sized yard ornament turtle..
Also I would like to do some archery I think and I want to go to a casino in Indiana.. Started a bucket list of sorts.. I love experience with new stuff.. And i wanna do all kinds of things so... I think I'm gonna get a bow and arrow...