Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Explanations

This message is to a few specific people in my life.  I know there are things that are not understood.  I know that money is more important to you than me.  I know that you think you should be most important all of the time. I am sorry for you.  I feel like everyone keeps asking for explanations for stupid things.  I DO NOT love one kid more than another.  I love all of my kids differently.

It is interesting to me though that the people that say this say it for the reasons of money and equality of THINGS.  The way that I feel towards David is much different than the way I feel towards Jennifer.  As soon as David moved and he stopped taking calls from me and even stopped visiting very often, David chose to ignore me and chose to hardly even text back when I was the one paying for his phone.  David has also always been a person that thinks he's entitled like I owe him something.  Even though I didn't give birth to him and I was the one transferring money into his account in college and sending him LOTS of gift cards when I didn't have to.  He has always acted like I should do more for him even when he gave nothing back.  I made sure we went to his graduation from basic training, even when his father did not, I made sure that I paid money on his new laptop even though I gave nothing to anyone else that day.  I have always been there for all of them, and yet, he gets jealous over a "supposed graduation present" for his sister.  Don't take into account that maybe just maybe I am doing better financially now than when he graduated from high school, or maybe just maybe this trip wasn't EVEN for Jennifer.  Say what you will, but this trip was for ZACH and he wanted to have Jenn go with us.  And why does Zach think of Jenn before David, OH yeah, because she has been around when his brother has mostly not. I would also like to say that David received a HD TV/DVD combo, a laptop (even though it wasn't brand new) and a $500 dollar voucher that he could cash in as he made money over the summer (we were matching up to $500 of anything he earned that summer - which he did NOTHING with) - Funny though how he only remembers the TV.  Again this is because he feels as though he's entitled.  A while back he sat in my living room talking about his younger sister, Alexis' grandmother Alice, and he said how horrible she was because she bought things for Alexis and his other sister Cheyenne but not for him.  She doesn't know him, but of course, there should be equality EVERYWHERE.  Well GROW up.

Grow up all of you..and you all know who you are.  Jennifer is 18 and David is 20.  Realize that I will always be there for both of them, and I don't plan on that changing.  Stop acting like everything I do for Jennifer is so bad or I have some other reason for doing things than the fact that I love her.  She's a good young woman, and like it or not, I have something to do with that.  I have tried to explain this to her, but I'm not sure she gets it.  A person's heart is big enough to love everyone, and she shouldn't have to choose one over the other.  She actually thinks I hate you, but she's wrong...I hate what you do to her.  She feels like she has to play this game all the time, and I am so OVER it.  I love her, and I want her to be happy.  Can you all say the same?  I do not expect her to ever love you less, so stop pushing that somehow if she loves me that I'm taking your place.  I don't really understand how a parent does not understand that love is different between each child and that each child has to be handled differently.  Why push equality, it does not work that way?

Hey David - I love you..what I got Jennifer was actually 2 concerts for her graduation.  I didn't get her the trip for that and it was Zach's trip.  He wanted her to go, so we took her.  I am very disappointed in you for your reaction to that.  You're an adult, so act like one.  I will always love you, but you're an adult married man now, so you need to really step up and stop acting like a child.

This WILL be my only EXPLANATION for any of this EVER.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

what I've been up to . . .

This last few weeks has been HECTIC.  Sorry for the lack of posting.

So not only have I been maintaining my day job, but a few friends and I have been working on opening a store front business.  Our business is The Little Black Box Theatre Company.  There are a wide variety of classes offered, and we will be adding to our course list as time goes on.  Please check out our website (know that it's still under construction)  www.blackboxtheatreco.org
We should be located at 119 N. Meridian on the square.  Hopefully our opening week will be a camp starting on June 4th.

I have also been doubled up in Accounting with Entrepreneurship at first and now with New Testament Survey.   I am actually surprised by how much I am enjoying all of those classes.  I have decided that I like being busy.  I enjoy having things to do all the time.  Sure, there are moments when I would like to rest, but for the most part, I thrive on busy.

This is a message to my daughter.
Jennifer - You have meant so much to me from the time I met you.  (People will read this, and be confused, but you know what I mean).  My heart belongs to you and your brothers.  I will always always love you and David just as much as I always have.  I could not be more proud of you for who you are, and what you're becoming.  I love how you think outside the box and have taken so much of what I put out there and learned to live by it.  I love how you don't judge people and that you have a heart filled with love and joy.  You are an amazing young woman and so easy to love fully. I'll bet really there are so many guys that think Collin is the most lucky guy on earth.  You and I never have to explain what we have; you and I never skip a beat and it's often times like you really were molded and shaped by God to be for me.  I am so happy for you that today starts a new chapter in your life.  Things will never be the same for you, but I want you to know that always and forever I will call you daughter and you will be a HUGE part of my life.  No MATTER WHAT.  I don't want you to stress over the next few days, just take them in.  I am okay watching you on Skype and I am okay just being there when you need me.  I do truly know what I mean to you, and I know you feel what you are to me.  Millions doesn't seem like enough to express it sometimes.  I know you've heard this story before, but here goes....I was about five months pregnant with Zacheriah when you started Kindergarten, and I was SOOOO sick. You were afternoon only, and the first day for you, I felt like I was going to puke before even walking you in.  When we got there, you looked nervous, and my stomach churned even more.  I don't remember many details, but I remember walking you in, and you (unlike when I dropped the boys off their first day) held onto my hand like you didn't want to let go.  I quickly got you interested in something in the room, I think it was a book shelf full of books (can't remember exactly) and then I snuck out.  I cried all the way home, as I did for each of you.  I didn't even know David that well really when he started Kindergarten, but the same feelings were present for all of you.  Like I was entered a new chapter with you and things would never be the same.  The thing that I have learned over the last 8 years or so that is so prevalent in my life: Everything Everything changes and everyday starts something new and you never stop missing those you love when they aren't with you.  Thank you so much for letting me share you life baby girl.  I will always be grateful for that.

To all of you other graduating seniors:
A lot of you I have coached and been friends with as Jennifer grew throughout the years.  I love each of you also.  I will do my best to appear at your parties.  I can not believe what beautiful wonderful people you have all become.  I wish you all the best.


Thursday, May 3, 2012

April was a learning month for me. . .


April was a major learning month for me, and another life changer.  I have learned so many things about myself lately, and to sum it up, I really like me.  I know to a lot of people that sounds conceited.  Really, it's not that I'm conceited at all.  I have struggled a lot in my life to feel comfortable in my own skin.  I've never been pretty enough or skinny enough or well..anything enough..It's taken me almost 35 years to decide that I am all of those things.  I have a great guy and 3 wonderful children and a Lord that love me. I was raised by two parents that loved each other all of my childhood, and parents and grandparents that absolutely taught me the value of LOVE.  I am so lucky and so thankful to have all that I have had.  Do me a favor today - - - Know that today is going to be a good day and SMILE.  ;)

I was thinking recently about how many people I have in my life that I care so much about, and I know I've said this before, but each person is like a snowflake to me.  You are all so dear and I love you so much.  Well maybe all of you are not dear to me, like maybe my ex-husband's wife..she's kinda not nice at all.

Last night, my dad called to invite me to a "family cookout" that my Uncle Terry is throwing this weekend.  Terry is now the Patriarch of our family, and honestly, without someone pushing, our family will probably never get together as a whole again.  I called Terry to explain that I'm walking the Mini this weekend, so I won't be able to make this one, but not to give up on me, I promise I will come sometime.  He told me, "It's okay, sweetheart.  I love you."  This is crazy, but I cried so hard at those words from him.  My uncles and I have not been very close, especially the last 15 years or so (man, I feel old).  It's dumb..I know they all love me, but I somehow feel more attached to them all now that Grandpa is gone.  Life is so weird sometimes.

Side note. . . I believe I'm starting a business with two other wonderful women soon.  This won't affect the day job, but I'm meeting on Sunday to go over some stuff.  This will be a storefront that holds acting classes in the evenings for children mostly, but we may do some adult stuff.  I'm pretty excited, and I know everything about running my own business now with an 'A' in that Entrepreneurship class (haha).  Wish us luck!  More to come on this subject. . . . .
There was an error in this gadget